Post # 1
I posted earlier in this thread about wanting to stop BC pills and my husband’s nervousness over just using condoms. By the end of the thread, I’d decided to try using FAM plus the condoms plus maybe pulling out as well to help ease DH’s mind.
Well, from what I understand about the rules for using FAM for BC instead of TTC, it appears that you get 20 or so days out of a 30-day cycle where you are safe to have sex with no chance of conception, and roughly 5 of those days are during your period. We don’t have sex during my period currently. I asked Darling Husband if he thought he’d be comfortable with doing that, and he said no. So that leaves us with maybe 15 days per month that we could have sex. We’re not exactly sex fiends right now – if anything, I wish we’d do it more often than we currently do – and so cutting out half of the month really sucks.
What’s maddening to me is that we would be using condoms the entire time. I am honestly not that worried about us having sex any old day we feel like it as long as we are using condoms, but he acts like he’s sure we’re going to wind up with an accidental pregnancy that way.
So anyway, I talked to him about this last night. I tried to explain the rules for FAM as contraceptive, and I ended up feeling like I was just confusing him. So I asked him if he’d read some of TCOYF so that he could understand as well, and while he didn’t come right out and say no, he never agreed to it. So then I asked him to watch The Great Sperm Race instead, because I figured it would be easier/more enjoyable for him and at least give him some good info about how difficult conception really is, and he acted like that was a big old pain, too. I again offered to get a diaphragm, and he said no, you don’t have to do that. I asked him if he wanted me to just keep using the pill, and he said, “You know I feel more comfortable with that, but it’s your choice.”
I am pissed off now. I feel like he’s making this all my responsibility – I have to be responsible for knowing all the FAM rules and explaining them to him and applying them properly, or I have to take the pill. He has to do nothing but wear a condom each time.
Anyone else feeling this same frustration? How did you resolve it? I swear, my husband is not an unsensitive jerk. Am I just being unreasonable?
Post # 3
I’m not yet married, but I have already started to have these conversations with my FH. He is willing to use whatever methods necessary to ease my mind (want to make sure we’re really ready before having a child or if we did have a child to prevent another). he’s even said he’s willing to do vasectomy if that’s what it takes. I don’t think it’s fair that contraception is up to the women (actually used those words with him in conversation this morning) and he completely agreed. Did you have these conversations before marriage? I know it’s too late since you can’t back track…
Post # 4
@hecallsmelove: I’m trying to read your comment and not feel like you’re saying I shouldn’t have married him, but it’s kind of hard not to take it that way at first glance.
I’m going to guess what you meant was, it’s too late to backtrack and have the conversation before marriage (if I didn’t), not that it’s too late to backtrack and not get married.
So here’s what we discussed before marriage – number of children we would like to have, rough idea of when we’d like to start trying for children. We did not discuss what form of birth control we’d use until we started TTC, probably because we both assumed I’d stay on the pill until that time. My wanting to go off the pill stems from recent health issues that may be connected to the use of hormones such as what are found in the pill.
Yes, he has offered to get a vasectomy, but it wouldn’t make sense to get that until after we have had the children we want.
Post # 5
Seriously? I’d be annoyed. Contraception is the responsibility of both partners, not just the lady. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy in general, but his refusal to educate himself about this stuff seems pretty childish to me. Also, the fact that he’s SO anxious about this issue, despite all of the statistics, makes me wonder if he has anxiety issues in general. If so, maybe some counseling might help him find ways to feel less anxiety about having sex with you without the pill?
I absolutely don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
Post # 6
I think PP meant the second part – too late to backtrack on the convo, not the marriage 🙂
If I remember the thread, it is your husband who is concerned that condoms aren’t enough correct? If so then it’s his responsibility to come up with a recommendation for you to agree to or not depending on your comfort level. His concern, his job to find a solution.
My Fiance is a great and loving guy but honestly a bit lazy in the take ownership department, he also likes to stay out of big decisions so that he can point fingers afterwards. I know this about him and it still drives me mad but I make him be involved and be an active part of decision making. I hate it because it makes me feel like I’m nagging, but he needs it and knows it was why his past relationships fell apart.
Tell your husband to find the solution, maybe it’s even applying gobs of spermicide to the condom, but insist he be involved in the research & resolution decision as this is stemming from his discomfort in the first place.
Post # 7
I would be annoyed too. If he is so worried about an unplanned pregnancy, then he shouldn’t be leaving contraception as solely your responsibility. It sounds like you’ve really done your research on different methods of BC and he’s not doing his fair share. If you’re discontinuing the pill because of health concerns, then he really should be more open to listening to other alternatives. It’s normal to be a bit apprehensive now that you two will have to change up the routine, but to just shut you down like that isn’t right.
I’d try to talk to him again. Seriously, how hard is it for him to watch a movie? Go over all your options, and have him tell you what he would be comfortable with… taking into consideration that hormonal BC is not an option (remind him you’re talking about his wife’s health and well being) Hopefully if you bring it up again and really discuss options he will have had more time to hash out what he’s comfortable with.
I guess good luck, It can be a tricky situation. By The Way, I know you mentioned you had some health issues that caused you to want to try to go off of the pill, but have you tried other pills, or other hormonal options? Like progesterone only pills, nuva-ring, or the depo shot? Different hormonal options will work better/differently for every person.
Post # 8
@KatieBklyn: You could be right about the anxiety issue, at least in this area. He doesn’t seem anxious in general about other things, so maybe something happened in the past (maybe a pregnancy scare with a previous girlfriend?) that I don’t know about. Hmm. It’s worth asking him about.
@Snow00774: Yes, you are remembering correctly that he’s the one concerned that condoms aren’t enough. I think your reasoning of “his concern, so he should be responsible for helping to find a solution” is very valid. I hadn’t thought about it that way before.
And the “gobs of spermicide” painted a funny picture in my head 🙂 Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!
@kiddosc: I am really hoping to clear all forms of hormones out of my system for awhile to see if that helps me resolve the issues I’ve been having. Once I get those under control, starting a different form of BC with lower doses of hormones or different hormones might be possible, but for now I just want to get all that out of my system and focus on being healthy.
Post # 9
Maybe you could get him to go see your doctor with you to review your options? Since he is quite concerned about accidental pregnancy (but being kinda selfish about the methods used to prevent it), maybe it would help if he could hear from a doctor about the risks associated with each choice and how they would affect you.
Post # 10
@IAmTheShadow: oh am i SOOOO feeling your pain. We are in a kind of similar boat. We were using condoms 100% of the time (I didn’t want to be on BC because of hormones)… then I was introduced to FAM and have TCOYF and started charting. That gave us about 2-3 month of pure bliss – ditched the condoms when we could, used them sometimes if we ‘had’ to)… I was still a tiny bit leery of the ‘what if’s’. I started a thread out there wondering if people have still gotten pregnant using FAM correctly and the results kind of freaked me out. Fast forward to today: Darling Husband now does not want to have sex WITH a condom (even though he was fine before). I had some early signs of CF after my last cycle started up, so we literally had one day we had sex and now I’m in the middle of my definite fertile window. It feels like I am never ever ever going to have sex again (ok, being dramatic)… but I am SO frustrated at our ‘options’. Mostly because the end result is: no sex. I also have been dealing with a yeast issue that pops up shortly after my fertile window is over… which also hinders our sex life. double whammy. I used to be a little frustrated that I had to figure out the FAM thing – but, I also realize, for him – female cycles are so foreign. So, I don’t fault him for not ‘getting’ the whole FAM thing – I just try to tell him the windows and each month explain a little more. I thought he’d show more interest in reading TCOYF – figuring the condom-free sex would be a selling point – but he didn’t. I don’t take that to mean he doesn’t care, though. Is that why you are feeling most frustrating? Because you want him to take some initiative?
Post # 11
@IAmTheShadow: 🙂 Good Luck lady!!! Nothing more frustrating than feeling like you are the sole problem solver in the family, particularly for an issue that’s not yours!
Post # 12
What about using condoms plus a spermicidal film that creates both a chemical and physical barrier? We use the pill + Vaginal Contraceptive Films for added protection. You can’t feel them, and there’s no dripping (it turns into a firm gel).
Post # 13
@oracle: I think my frustration is because I feel like I’m trying to make a choice to better my health (i.e. get rid of hormones), and his behavior right now makes me feel like he’s just thinking, “Well, if you’d just stay on the pill, this wouldn’t be an issue.” It makes me feel selfish and guilty for making the decision to stop using the pill. Even though I’m trying really hard to get us to a point where he feels comfortable with our BC setup, it feels like he’s not putting in any effort at all or helping me with this. I guess it feels like a sort of passive aggressive attitude on his part – you know, “Okay, do what you want about the pill, but I’m just going to sit here and freak out over the chances of pregnancy rather than help you figure out a better option, so that you really get frustrated and just give up and keep taking the pill.”
@crayfish: Whoa, how have I not heard of this vaginal contraceptive film before? Okay, couple of questions, and feel free to not answer if it’s too personal – does it just come out on its own after sex? And it looks like you have to wait 15 minutes after you put it in…doesn’t that interfere with spontaneity?