(Closed) Talk me out of being annoyed, please

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m not yet married, but I have already started to have these conversations with my FH. He is willing to use whatever methods necessary to ease my mind (want to make sure we’re really ready before having a child or if we did have a child to prevent another). he’s even said he’s willing to do vasectomy if that’s what it takes. I don’t think it’s fair that contraception is up to the women (actually used those words with him in conversation this morning) and he completely agreed. Did you have these conversations before marriage? I know it’s too late since you can’t back track…

Post # 5
2908 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Seriously? I’d be annoyed. Contraception is the responsibility of both partners, not just the lady. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy in general, but his refusal to educate himself about this stuff seems pretty childish to me. Also, the fact that he’s SO anxious about this issue, despite all of the statistics, makes me wonder if he has anxiety issues in general. If so, maybe some counseling might help him find ways to feel less anxiety about having sex with you without the pill? 

I absolutely don’t think you’re being unreasonable. 

Post # 6
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think PP meant the second part – too late to backtrack on the convo, not the marriage 🙂

If I remember the thread, it is your husband who is concerned that condoms aren’t enough correct? If so then it’s his responsibility to come up with a recommendation for you to agree to or not depending on your comfort level. His concern, his job to find a solution.

My Fiance is a great and loving guy but honestly a bit lazy in the take ownership department, he also likes to stay out of big decisions so that he can point fingers afterwards. I know this about him and it still drives me mad but I make him be involved and be an active part of decision making. I hate it because it makes me feel like I’m nagging, but he needs it and knows it was why his past relationships fell apart.

Tell your husband to find the solution, maybe it’s even applying gobs of spermicide to the condom, but insist he be involved in the research & resolution decision as this is stemming from his discomfort in the first place.



Post # 7
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would be annoyed too.  If he is so worried about an unplanned pregnancy, then he shouldn’t be leaving contraception as solely your responsibility.  It sounds like you’ve really done your research on different methods of BC and he’s not doing his fair share.  If you’re discontinuing the pill because of health concerns, then he really should be more open to listening to other alternatives.  It’s normal to be a bit apprehensive now that you two will have to change up the routine, but to just shut you down like that isn’t right. 

I’d try to talk to him again.  Seriously, how hard is it for him to watch a movie? Go over all your options, and have him tell you what he would be comfortable with… taking into consideration that hormonal BC is not an option (remind him you’re talking about his wife’s health and well being) Hopefully if you bring it up again and really discuss options he will have had more time to hash out what he’s comfortable with. 

I guess good luck, It can be a tricky situation.  By The Way, I know you mentioned you had some health issues that caused you to want to try to go off of the pill, but have you tried other pills, or other hormonal options? Like progesterone only pills, nuva-ring, or the depo shot? Different hormonal options will work better/differently for every person.

Post # 9
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Maybe you could get him to go see your doctor with you to review your options? Since he is quite concerned about accidental pregnancy (but being kinda selfish about the methods used to prevent it), maybe it would help if he could hear from a doctor about the risks associated with each choice and how they would affect you.

Post # 10
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@IAmTheShadow:  oh am i SOOOO feeling your pain.  We are in a kind of similar boat.  We were using condoms 100% of the time (I didn’t want to be on BC because of hormones)… then I was introduced to FAM and have TCOYF and started charting.  That gave us about 2-3 month of pure bliss – ditched the condoms when we could, used them sometimes if we ‘had’ to)… I was still a tiny bit leery of the ‘what if’s’.  I started a thread out there wondering if people have still gotten pregnant using FAM correctly and the results kind of freaked me out.  Fast forward to today: Darling Husband now does not want to have sex WITH a condom (even though he was fine before).  I had some early signs of CF after my last cycle started up, so we literally had one day we had sex and now I’m in the middle of my definite fertile window.  It feels like I am never ever ever going to have sex again (ok, being dramatic)… but I am SO frustrated at our ‘options’.  Mostly because the end result is: no sex.  I also have been dealing with a yeast issue that pops up shortly after my fertile window is over… which also hinders our sex life.  double whammy.  I used to be a little frustrated that I had to figure out the FAM thing – but, I also realize, for him – female cycles are so foreign.  So, I don’t fault him for not ‘getting’ the whole FAM thing – I just try to tell him the windows and each month explain a little more.  I thought he’d show more interest in reading TCOYF – figuring the condom-free sex would be a selling point – but he didn’t.  I don’t take that to mean he doesn’t care, though.  Is that why you are feeling most frustrating?  Because you want him to take some initiative?

Post # 11
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@IAmTheShadow:  🙂 Good Luck lady!!! Nothing more frustrating than feeling like you are the sole problem solver in the family, particularly for an issue that’s not yours!

Post # 12
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

What about using condoms plus a spermicidal film that creates both a chemical and physical barrier? We use the pill + Vaginal Contraceptive Films for added protection. You can’t feel them, and there’s no dripping (it turns into a firm gel).

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