- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
So my mom and I are medium estranged, as opposed to me and my former dad (he disowned me) who are 100% estranged. I’ll write too much anyway, so I’ll avoid the whole story. Bottom line is went 5 years (15-20) without Mom around, and then after increasingly irrational behavior she left the state (breaking probation, I’m sure) and we wnet another 6 years without taking until her son, my older 1/2 brother (didn’t meet him till I was 25) decided to give her my phone # to force us to talk.
That was Dec 2010 – been talking maybe once a month since. It’s frustrating because she is bi-polar, and not taking medication, and her stories don’t make sense, change and are always making her the victim, AND in the rare occassions when it’s actually a conversation, she plaows through anyhting I have to say, never breaking stride with her words. I was her caretaker growing up. Its very hard for me to back off and realize on all levels that I can’t be responsible for her and the damage she’s done to her life. But I know I can’t afford to take care of her, and with her adventures with shoplifting, getting fired and evicted regulalry, puttting BF’s mom’s name down for appliances she’s buying and then not paying for them, writing hot checks in my name and then ‘forgeting’ it’s hard to keep a reign on her, so having a few states between us helps.
I just needed to vent because at times I feel so cheated, having a child for a mother, making me not want to have a child. The psycho dad wasn’t enough, apparently. I want a mom I can talk to when I’m down, a mom I can tell why I am afriad of having kids (even though she’s a main reason – I really don’t want to damage a child with suffocation and neglect similtaneously, OR beat them). I want a mom I can share my ‘waiting’ troubles with. BF’s mom is noce and great bt I can hardnly share my frustrations with her son to her. I’ve broken down in really bad times and done just that (she’s been there for me for the past decade and a half), but it’s so wrong, I shouldn’t talk to his mom about my problems with him. I missed having a woman role model from pretty much age 10 up – I was taking care of HER, cooking, cleaning and keeping her from ODing on her pills.
So last night, when teling me she got the photos I’d sent her that I’d figured she’d lost in the divorce and I’d only recently found, when she started gushing about how having me was the best thing in her life, and how everything that has ever gone wrong is (now) my father’s fault (he’s an asshole, but he’s also got other things to do than stalk her 4 states away) and none of her decisions are her own fault, I found myself getting weepy and angry. She’s ommitted half the things that happened and then talks to me like I was some sort of half witt child – I told her I remember pretty clearly back to the age of two. She swears her last OD was dad trying to kill her, and not because she’d squandered the rent money and we were being evicted a week before Christmas. Argh. I know she’s not well, and she probably things all of this is the truth. It just makes me feel like a jerk for not being able to (or hneslty wanting to) go up and take care of her, giving up my whole life I’ve made without either parent’s help, and it makes me sad that I’ll never be able to talk to her like I want to.
Sorry, I know others have no parents and worse parents. I jsut needed to get that out, and BF’s mom was the only person I felt I could call, and that just seems wrong to me, somehow.