(Closed) Talked about a timeline today – did NOT get the answer I wanted :( HELP :(

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Aww this sucks – Sometimes we don’t get the answer that we want. But that said, you have only been living together officially for 6 weeks. That adds an entirely new dynamic to your relationship. Your time as long distance DOES count but I wouldn’t be asking for a timeline after 6 weeks purely for the fact that you are still adjusting.

When you go back, I would just make it clear to him that while you respect that he wants to get married around 30, for you that isn’t going to work. You aren’t expecting him to propose right away, but at some stage your work is going to require you to make a decision and possibly move back and how would he feel if that happens?

Good luck

Post # 4
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I second what Cupcake said. You have to express that part of beinga couple and building a future together means having a similar time frame, and if he doesn’t think he’ll get there until he is 30, that probably won’t work for you. I know it is even harder now that you’re living with him b/c that makes you feel like you have no “safe space” when conversations don’t go well. Just don’t let that fear control you and keep you from asking for what you need. hugs

Post # 5
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I was in a LDR for about 3 years, I don’t mean to come off as harsh, but I have to agree with your spouse, if you’ve only actually, physically been living together for 6weeks, that is not a lot of time, and if I were in his shoes I would probably be shocked/pressured by the seemingly sudden/abrupt conversation. Not saying that the LDR time doesn’t count, but for him, the relationship is probably more ‘real’/’tangible’ now that you get to see each other on a daily basis.

You might be ready, but you have to be able to respect the fact that he may not be. It could very well hinge on the fact that he is still adjusting to the living dynamic & is not sure how resiliant you as a couple will be now that you will be dealing with each other’s emotions/stressors/conflicts/quirks/interests/schedules/lifestyles/insecurities/expectations/etc/etc/etc face to face. It can really be intimidating.

I think it is totally fair for him to ask for more time. Sorry. I understand having plans and goals and personal timelines, but he too was honest in saying that he also has these things in his mind, which although different from yours he is completely entitled to that perspective.

There lies the beauty of compromise.

 

Post # 6
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m going to go the other direction on this one. Living together is a fairly recent phenomenon – in the US which is very liberal about this, it’s only been happening openly for roughly the past 50 years. Before that, people were meeting each other, falling in love, and getting married on short order without a big hoopla and all these shenanigans. Despite all this “making absolutely sure” and living with someone etc we still enjoy one of the highest divorce rates in the world. So I disagree with others. If you have had an LDR with someone, feel you know each other well, then you have as much of a chance of having a happy wonderful marriage as someone who’s living with their SO for 5 or so years “just to make sure”.

I think you need to reapproach this topic later with your BF when you are again calm and this time go into it without any expectations on what you want him to say. You should listen to his point of view, and voice your own. After that, do some thinking. I think you should take this year living here to see how things evolve with your BF and at the end of it decide if it’s moving in the direction you’re happy with or not.

Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

He doesn’t seem ready to commit, and you have just left everything for this one person.  You’re not in a good position.  If I were in your position, I would be really needy.  Plus, I think you said that he was communicating with his ex?  I think you need more independence.  If I were you, I would move out and get a place of my own and try to find some friends.  Have you tried meetup.com?

Post # 8
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

This is a rough position.  I agree that you guys have known each other long enough now that you should be able to decide if you are committed to each other.  

When do you have to let your job know if you are moving back or not?  I would tell your BF that if you aren’t engaged, then you are moving back.  Make it clear that waiting that long doesn’t work for you and you aren’t willing to put your life on hold until he turns 30.  

Post # 10
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think finding the right person is equally about love and timing. I don’t believe in “the one” and I DO believe that you can love many times in a lifetime. I think you marry the first person that you love enough to marry who is ready when you are. Unromantic… maybe? But it seems to work that way. I don’t think that usually people who aren’t ready will just automatically be ready for the “right person.” And I don’t think not being ready means he doesn’t love you. If you believe he REALLY loves you… he will probably marry you some day. But are you willing to wait? I think its equally likely that if you leave him you will find someone you love just as much (or more) and marry him.

Post # 11
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you just freaked him out a little.  Yes, you’ve known each other a long time, but if I’d only had a non-LDR relationship with someone for a few weeks and they asked when we’re getting married, I’d probably be caught off guard and feel pressured as well.  Not just pressured to propose soon, but pressured to make life plans, evaluate not just the relationship, but everything.

I’d freak out like Tweek on South Park, yell AAAH!! PRESSURE!! and run out of the room.  Even if I totally knew I wanted to be with the person and get married eventually.  I think his 3-5 years might have been his way of calming himself down.  It sounds like he does want to get married eventually, but isn’t nearly ready to commit. 

The buying a house thing sounds a little discouraging (like maybe he is planning a future, but isn’t ready to commit to you being into it), but maybe next time he brings it up, ask him about his plans for the next few years.  Talk about yours.  Don’t bring up engagement unless he does – this is about you and your job and your location.

You do have time to figure out what to do with your job – maybe closer to a year in you’ll know where things are going with him, if marriage is imminent, if he’s still the guy you want to commit to.  You can also start looking for other job opportunities in the next several months, towards the second half of your contract.  It will make you feel less locked in, and give you other options if you do want to stay.  Tell your work you’re not sure either way yet.

Post # 12
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

Maggie- didn’t you two just get in a fight about his ex?  He probably needs some time to digest and come off the ledge before he is ready to talk about foreva-eva. You guys are still probably fighting about the dishes. Adjusting to moving in together is a HUGE step for guys. (And guys can only think one thing at a time.)

Post # 14
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think there are always other jobs and you probably have a little more time before you need to tell your job.

I agree, the first conversation about timelines usually does involve an “AAACK” freakout from your dude. I’d focus on taking the absolute best care of yourself as you possibly can, and focus on how well things are going.

It’s also possible that now that you’ve talked about it, he’ll be rolling this around in his own brain and will be more comfortable with the topic shorly.  If he’s a good guy and loves you he will be thinking about it now.  Think about how you feel and what you want, and how much time you can comfortably wait, So you don’t get past the point of no return and dissolve into a resentful mess. It’s a lot more difficult to bring it up if you’re already past that point. 

I think it was better to bring it up earlier than later, I know 6 weeks of non-LDR is not a long time but you’ve known each other for awhile.  It’s important for your own planning to have reasonable parameters. This is YOUR LIFE too!

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i would sit him down again in like say 6 mos… and say. listen… i gave up everything for you bc i love you and i want to be with you… if you dont know by now that you want to be with me… then maybe its best if i just move home  and as you said… cut your losses… see if that changes his mind… i dont see how he doesnt want to commit to you with an engagement after so long. 3-5 years is a long time…. add that on top of how long youve been dating… and yea. maybe hes just not  ready for marriage… and if you two are on two diff levels there… it might not work out πŸ™  dont stress though… just calmly talk to him and tell him your feelings and listen to his. πŸ™‚

Post # 16
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Yes! 6 monts is a good timeline to have the talk.  Calmly, and if you really can mean it that it’s best to move home if you’re not on the same page.

The topic ‘Talked about a timeline today – did NOT get the answer I wanted :( HELP :(’ is closed to new replies.

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