- 2 weeks ago
hey y’all, so I’ve been struggling with talking about marriage stuff with my boyfriend for a little while now (our 5 year dating anniversary is coming up, we started talking about marriage stuff about a year ago). We didn’t start actually discussing it until after 4 years because we’re still pretty young (22/23 years old, he just graduated college and landed a well-paying, secure job, and I’ll be graduating college/getting a full-time job in 1 1/2-2 years). I really want to talk about it with him mostly because it makes me excited and I want to know where he stands on certain things, like what he thinks of ring shopping vs. doing it on his own, even if we don’t plan on getting engaged for another 2-3 years. I guess I just really like discussing the topic, not because I want to get engaged right now or because I want to pressure him- we’ve agreed that we’re fine with it happening at some point in 2-3 years, and he wants to let things “develop naturally.” Even though we’re not planning on getting engaged for a little while, I want to be able to talk about wedding stuff (I’m an art student so naturally wedding design is a huge interest for me- I’ve even thought about pursuing a career as a wedding planner!), rings that I like (I could be happy with just about any ring, the only thing I don’t like is bulkiness/high-set gems), etc…heck I had a funny proposal dream the other night and would just want to tell him about it just because. I want to be able to discuss this stuff openly with him in a non-pressured way. Just like any other discussion- just like how we discuss where we’d like to live in the future together and what kinds of houses we like (which we have no problem talking about). The problem is, he doesn’t really enjoy talking about wedding stuff because he has some reservations about marriage and he still needs a little time to sort through how he feels about it. His parents got divorced as a kid so he’s genuinely afraid of divorce- I say genuinely because we’ve talked about it and he’s not using it as an excuse, trust me. He told me he wants to spend the rest of our days together, but he’s so scared of getting divorced or disappointing me…I’ve tried my best to reassure him that we are not his parents and our relationship is so much stronger, and that couples are bound to disappoint each other every once in a while and that’s okay- we try our best for each other and acknowledge that disappointment happens sometimes, and that we love each other despite that. After having this talk he seems to be a lot more open about it- the other day he mentioned that he wants to buy a house with me in 2-3 years. He knows that I don’t want to buy a house unless we’re at least engaged, and after I reminded him of this by asking if he was going to buy a house on his own, he said that there’s a “high possibility” that the engagement part would be taken care of by then. Also, the other day we were just casually talking about how couples should have kids no later than the age of 30 so that they can still be young enough to enjoy spending time with their adult children and grandkids, and he told me that he thinks 25-27 is a good age to have kids. And I was like “I couldn’t see myself having kids at 25, that’s in 2 years!” (because I want marriage/graduation/a house/a job to happen before kids, of course) and he was like “You never know, I’ll have been working 2 years and will have a higher salary by then, and you’ll be graduated and have a job too.”
I feel like he’s starting to become more comfortable about “future talk” and I’m tempted to bring up marriage stuff in a non-pressured way but I’m worried it’ll freak him out. I talk about wedding stuff with my mom and girl-friends all the time, because I don’t feel like I can talk about it with him and I want to change that- like I said I want to be able to talk about anything with him, but I also don’t want to make him uncomfortable.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you and your boyfriend openly talk about marriage? Any suggestions for how I can do so without freaking him out? Should I just keep it to myself?