Talking About Your Past

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

I honestly have no idea, IMO there shouldn’t be “rules” for relationships. Everyone is different and you should just do what works for your relationship. DH and I have been open and honest about everything since day 1. We’ve been together for 4.5 years so I don’t think it’s an issue. If we want to share something, we do.

Post # 3
9204 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Yeah I don’t get it either, ultimately I think partners should be open and honest with each other about everything, including their past. Not very early in the relationship but once it has become more serious, committed or intimate. But it all depends on the relationship and the individuals involved and what they agree is best for their relationship.

Post # 6
2679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My FI knows all about my past and I know what I wanted to ask of his. Never understood that whole “not talking about it” thing. I think it’s just jealousy in most cases.

Post # 7
6666 posts
Bee Keeper

I am all for getting to know a SO with all that shaped and formed him into the person he is today. The facts of a past relationship, including why it ended, whether they lived together, what she did, how they met, whether they travelled etc.  OK, fine.  But to go into really intimate or graphic detail is unnecessary and potentially hurtful. I don’t know why anyone with any tact or common sense would find it necessary to do that. 

Post # 8
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Fi and i know pretty much everything in each others pasts, lots of it shameful and things we regret. We have talked about all the nitty gritties and luckily arent jelous of each others eventful pasts, but i think that has more to do with the fact that we have similar backgrounds and life paths and can see where the other one os coming from. I think people on the bee try to say that if hearing things about the past may hurt you, then dont ask, because you have no right to get mad if it was before your time. 

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  nessdawwg.
Post # 9
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

Honestly, I don’t like thinking about my FI in romantic situations with anyone but me so it’s a topic that we just avoid. Right or wrong, I always end up with my feelings hurt or feeling jealous. I can’t help it, he knows I can’t help it, so to avoid any misunderstandings, we jokingly refer to each other as one another’s “firsts” and leave it at that. I simply see no reason to share the sordid details of our past experiences with one another. I can accept that things have happened, sure, and I don’t think any less of my FI for anything that he’s done but that doesn’t mean I want to actively know about anything that doesn’t involve me.

Post # 10
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Mattyfeets:  In my opinion it’s okay to describe things and events that were good/bad whatever. Or things that someone did that you’d love your SO to try. I do believe it’s innapropriate to ask or bring up the exact number of your past relations. I wouldn’t ask and it’s a deal breaker if he does. Your past is just that, your past. It got you to where and who you are now, doesn’t need to be hashed out in every ugly detail. If my partner asked if I had done whatever activity before then that’s fair game, I’m not going to lie. But if they judge me or feel the need to rehash every detail, again deal breaker.

Post # 11
3497 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Mattyfeets:  We’ve discussed our serious relationships of the past. I lived with an ex and he did too, so we know about that and the general details. We also have discussed other prior relationships as they’ve come up in relation to whatever conversation we are having. We know eachother’s numbers, but other than that we don’t discuss our sex lives prior to us meeting, at least not in specific terms. He has a much more extensive past than me (I was in one very long term relationship for the majority of my adult life so far) and I don’t need to know about everything he’s done with other girls. 

I don’t think there is any problem with honesty if both partners are ok with it, but I don’t think there is any need to go into excruciating detail. FI and I have kind of let it happen organically, as previous experiences and relationships have come up in conversation. We didn’t sit down and discuss it specifically. If someone finds out something about your past and judges you for it and can’t handle it, like in previous posts on this board, then they are probably not meant for you.

Post # 12
585 posts
Busy bee



Mattyfeets:  I have been with my FI for 4 years now and we pretty much know every detail about eachother’s pasts relationships. That being said, I am sure there are things he has not told me for whatever reason, and vice versa. Not because we are hiding them, but because it would be pointless to tell the other person and might make them jealous or feed insecurities. (Like, if he thought “Sarah” were better in bed, he would never actually tell me that). But, I know exactly why he broke up with who and how that relationship went. I know exactly how many girls he’s been with and done what, who he thought was the most attractive, who he thinks is bat shit crazy and why. Most of it just comes up in conversation, not that I probe. He knows the same details about mine.

Through these conversations, which mostly happened early on, we know better about what eachother wants and needs, and what doomed our past relationships. Some details actually make me feel MORE secure because I know that all his/my past relationships failed for reasons ours obviously hasn’t.

I think it depends on the people, though. Some people are extremely insecure and would FREAK if they thought their SO still thought one of their ex’s were pretty, etc. In some relationships, some unharmful secrets are just best kept for yourself.

Post # 13
6666 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ll give a real life example. A BF and GF went out for a day at the beach. BF says, wow,this place holds a lot of memories for me!  Ex and I used to do it here all the time. 

The need to share every unfiltered thought that went through his brain was one of many reasons they broke up. 

Post # 14
585 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven:  I will say, I have been in that situation. I call it “repeats”. Early on, my FI used to tell me things like that (although not quite that blunt) and learned I got extremely jealous. I used to refuse to do things he and his ex’s had already done. Sometimes he didn’t have to tell me, because I already knew (we were friends first) or because I could just tell. Now we both joke about something being a repeat, but I am so secure in our relationship (which has matured over 4 years…) knowing that their’s failed, mine didn’t.

But I can see how at the beginning that would have drove me away if he didn’t learn to know when it was appropriate and when it wasn’t.

Post # 15
16 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

As many of you have already learned, this is one (apparently serious) part of relationships where I just don’t have an intuitive sense of the boundaries.  Obviously my utter lack of any kind of experience in relationships in comparison to the typical person (which I’m not) contributes to the way I am.  I’ve always felt that an established couple who has a secure relationship, where they feel more connected to each other than to anyone else, would naturally share all the nitty gritties with each other over the course of their being together. I can see where it would be unnecessary in the beginning of a relationship, but it seems like it would be inevitable to eventually share about those things when you truly feel intimate with the person.  

I was always surprised that my husband was surprised that I didn’t become jealous when he happened to bring up his past relationships or experiences.  I was interested to know all about him and appreciated his sharing–and by “sharing” I’m not talking about comparing your SO to previous ones or talking about how great someone was in bed or something else insensitive.  I’d obviously sometimes feel some carnal sense of jealousy when he told me some stuff, but that’s natural and the point isn’t to feel jealous but to learn about the person.  

But most people seem to think sharing details is a matter of propriety and not intimacy. I personally don’t get it, but in my future relationships I just won’t go there.

Leave a comment

Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors