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I'm hoping to get some advice on the best way to handle this. My teenage half-sister is really overweight. She has always been fuller figured but I feel that I have noticed a large weight gain in the last year. I am worried about her health and want to talk to her about it. I don't want to make her self-conscious or uncomfortable. I am sure that my dad has brought it up and probably not in the best way.
Is it best that I say nothing? Or, if I talk to her, what is the best approach? I am not overweight and no one in our immediate family is or has been so I am not sure how to deal with this if at all. Thanks.
Do not say a word to her. She is aware that she is overweight, I assure you.
You can't but you can encourage her to lead a healthier life style. Ask her what physical activities she likes... ask her what heathly foods she might like and expand on both those points.
What Corgi said. Bringing it up doesn't help the matter. Practicing healthy eating and exercising habits with her will help. Ask her to go on a walk with you, ask her if she would like an apple too. It will be good for the both of you, whether you are at a healthy weight or not.
Wow this is a tough one. I struggled with my weight on and off for years and I know I was especially sensitive as a teenager. Being a teenager is hard enough but the added pressure of being the biggest friend and the only one without a boyfriend etc (I'm generalising) is heartbreaking. I cried many secret tears about it.
I'm pretty sure your sister knows she has a problem with her weight and its probably all she thinks about. Finding clothes is hard, you start to avoid social occasions because of not finding anything you feel nice in and activities that'll highlight your weight (for me it was swimming) You know your sister obviously but however you approach it you are going to make her feel self conscious and upset, even if you are going there with her best interests at heart. Is there another way you could help her? Try to get her involved with more activity with you for example? Or maybe a chat would be the best thing, its hard to say without knowing her. Just know that even if she pretends she isn't bothered there's a good chance she is and is putting on a brave face. Be there to support her however she needs and give her some self confidence to try and tackle it herself. Best of luck xx
I agree with the others, I'm sure she knows she's overweight. What you could do is offer to do things with her in an attempt to get her to be more active, but don't say it's specifically so she can lose weight. You could invite her for a bike ride or to take dance lessons together or something like that.
Agree with everyone - she knows shes gained weight, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like being the "fat girl" in high school. Totally not your place to say anything to her... I know you're concerned and all, but you saying something to her isn't going to do anything. It's not going to make her want to lose weight. As a matter of fact, anytime a family member expressed concern over my weight, I would often get so depressed after, and binge and purge even HARDER than I was previously.
Is her Mom fuller figured too? You could ask your Dad to get her Mom to talk to her. Maybe the Mom can get her to go to the Doctor for a physical. She should have her hormones checked if there is no "obesity trend" in your family.
Have you also considered the fact that maybe shes on a medication that causes weight gain, that you don't know about? She might not be sitting on the couch eating chips and donuts all day, you know.
I dont think you should directly tell her anything about her weight but if you have the opportunity to take her out to eat then you can make a point of choosing something healthy and using that as platform to set an example and mention healthy eating.
I'm in the "say nothing" camp. I have a horrible memory of my mom delicately advising me to suck in my stomach before I left for a middle school dance. She was just trying to help me and honestly didn't mean to upset me, but it was still awful for me to hear. When you're that age and already self-conscious about your weight, hearing it from someone else just makes you feel worse and more helpless.
One thing you might try is bringing up "body image" issues to her. For example, sharing a story about something you were/are self-conscious about, and using that to segueway into a conversation about how she feels about herself. Weight gain, esp. suddenly, is such an emotionally charged issue that she might be relieved to have someone to talk to. From there, she may feel like you're someone she can ask for help when she's ready to.
I agree with the other bees that she is aware of her weight gain. I don't think, however, that you should just be quiet about it, pretend that it doesn't exist and let her deal with it her own way. I think that you are perfectly justified in telling her that you support her, love her, and if she ever wants your help or advice, you are there for her. In my experience, the lectures and suggestions, no matter how well intended, always come off critical and hurtful.
Thanks, everyone.
@jacinda10: Her mom had gastric bypass but has gained a lot (if not all) of the weight back. She isn't on medication. I don't believe she is sitting around eating poorly all the time. I'm just not sure she has the best example of healthy eating.
Having the "wow you've put on weight..is evertyhing ok??" convo is tough. She knows she's getting pudgy. It's like knowing your boobs are hanging out lol. I agree with the other ladies that saying something is probably the wrong way to go....however, the right way to go is to encourage healty eating and exercise. Instead of asking her to a movie, ask her for a walk to "enjoy the weather", or because you want to "get her opinion on something" and then instead of hitting up fast food places, go to your local salad bar. Park further away when you two go out to do something, and encourage her to exercise withouth actually hopping on the treadmill. Prior to having my son I was a size 10/12, with my frame is skinny. I lost a bunch of weight to get there by doing little things, cutting carbs, and eating when I was hungry, and stopping when I was fullish. I ate slow, and still let myself have ice cream (my personal weakness) once a week. The little things added up. It really helps if you have someone who is there to work out with...but not really working out, kwim? As for me, I just need to actually get back in the habit. I'm just too lazy right now.
I agree, say nothing. I got a lot of flack growing up from "well-meaning" family members for being overweight. Their comments really hurt and it's not something I think should be discussed.
I agree. Don't have a talk with her, but spend time with her doing active things. Encourage her to be involved with school activities. With her being a teenager, she is not in complete control of what she eats. What kind of food is provided for her in her home? You may need to have the conversation about healthy eating with her parents. If her mom had gastric bypass surgery and gained it all back, it seems the family makes bad food choices overall. Your half sis is not in control of what's in the fridge. Her parents are. If her mom prepares a high calorie, high fat meal for dinner, what can she do?
It's extremely difficult to help someone with a weight problem if you don't get the people closest to them on board to support them and lead by example.
I would talk to your/her family members and try and get all of you agree as a group to cook healthier meals, develop and maintain good eating habits, and find active things to do together on a regular basis. That way you're all following a healthier lifestyle and she doesn't get singled out.
@NJmeetsBX: Well she probably has a very skewed sense of eating/weight in general. My Mom has always either been 100 or 200 pounds. Either bones jutting out, or a little chubbier. She has passed that down to me, too. I don't "know" what healthy eating looks like, I don't think about balanced portions. I've always been exposed to binge and purge, and cutting carbs to drop weight fast. So I can sympathsize with your half-sister. We learn our food habits from our Moms. (my Mom currently is on a gastric bypass kick, saying she should get it before my wedding, and oh - I should get it too.)
Anyway - you can try to influence her, but if you're not around as much as the Mom is.... your efforts are more going to make you feel better about it, like you did something to help, but not make her actually lose weight if her Mom is always around.
I'm changing my mind now.... I think that because her Mom has such a yo-yo history, the only way you could MAYBE make a difference is to talk to her, maybe use her Mom as an example, and make sure the sister knows that above all, you love her and don't want her to be skinny, but be healthy. I think talking to her is the only chance you've got.
I was an obese child/teenager. Nothing anybody said to me ever made a difference. I had to get to a point where I made the decision to change my lifestyle. I imagine that as an overweight kid, she has a lot of insecurities...she's probably not that interested in exercise or activities because she's not naturally inclined or other kids tease her and/or she's picked last. Also, as a kid, she probably has NO IDEA about nutrition. I know I didn't.
I am not overweight now...well, I guess I'm mildly overweight by BMI standards, but I lost a ton of weight and I am very active now. Knowing what I know now, I think the approach I would take would be to invite her to do active things with you....like, Hey, we should hang out, let's go for a walk, or let's go rollerblading, or biking...and show her that things like that can be fun with no pressure. Then casually talk to her about how eating healthy food is necessary then WHAT is healthy food...and here's the part where it takes eveyrbody's help, the whole household has to stop eating junk food. The worse part abotu being overweight and wishing you weren't is seening that you're just doing the same thing all those skinny people are doing, yet you're fat. Of course, what you don't know is that those skinny people are working out when you don't see them or only eat like that once in a great while, or whatever. But you can't say "you need to eat better" to a teenager, then eat crap in front of them.
Sorry, that was a rambling answer.
I think you need to approach this from the back end, determine first if she has a physical problem that is causing her to gain weight, or if she may simply be depressed and medicating herself with food. More often than not, the root cause of overeating is depression or anxiety. The sensation that food gives you is like a drug-it is calming or endorphin producing. A reason many people over eat is that they are chemically imbalanced and they are trying to balance themselves out with what they have available. Whether it is food, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, drugs or exercise. The body is seeking a fix for what isn't right. She may need to be on anti-depressants or need therapy. But, getting her to seek it out may be an issue.
One thing I might suggest is that you take up walking, and ask her to be your walking buddy. You have a perfect excuse, getting in or staying in shape for your wedding. I think if she thinks she is helping you she may not connect that she is helping herself too. An hour she is out walking will burn calories and also be an hour she is not eating, plus the endorphins it produces might trick her body into feeling satisfied. It's worth a shot.
Ignoring that she's gained some weight is also not helpful. I wouldn't say hey you've gotten fat, I'd say hey I'm here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. Maybe we can go out for dinner and talk. I wouldn't outright ignore it. Weight gain in my experience has always been a result not a cause of something deeper going on in my life. I was overweight all my life it wasn't until I went to therapy to figure out what was wrong with me that I started taking an active interest in my health and fitness. Maybe you should approach from that angle.
I'm with CorgiTales - don't make any comments or discussions with her about it. I'm sure she knows she is overweight; she doesn't need someone to point it out to her.
Even though she is aware, you can support her and encourage her in other ways. Trying getting her to eat healthier meals under the ruse that you're teaching her how to cook? It could be a fun thing you two could bond over, choose a healthy recipe and make it together and see if she enjoys it! Make sure to buy a healthy cookbook and use that when you're cooking, so that next time she wants to try and make something herself, she'll have a healthy cookbook on hand. Who knows, maybe she'll get into the habit more often, and will truly start to enjoy meals that are good for her.
Yeah, don't say anything, it might hurt your relationship with her. I know it hurt mine with my mom.
Guys, I knew when my family was trying to get me to lose weight by exercising with me and preparing food for me or suggesting an alternative menu option when we went out to eat and it just made me feel worse. I think the OP should stay out of it. The OP's sister isn't dumb, so I gurantee being deceptive will not work.
@NJmeetsBX: when i was a young teenager maybe 12, 13 i started to gain weight, my parents didn't bring this up as they thought i wouldn't be able to deal with any negitive comments and that it would only upset me.... i really wish they had, i wish they had warned me, it hit me hard in high school, i got picked on, i never had a boyfriend :( i began to notice my weight more but i got depressed about it and got stuck in vicious circle, i ate when i was sad. it did get better once i left high school and start going out around the time i was in college, fourunately my chosen career path mean physical activity was on the perspectus and the weight began to shift, and my confidence grew, i'm still not happy with my weight, but not because of lack of exercise or over-eating (stubborn baby belly)
it not neccersarily about words, she needs to be given opportunities, exercise, find something to do with her away from other girls her age, something less obvious and fun, get your parents to help change eating habits, if it's not there it cant be eaten,
talking to her all depends on how she is as a person, will she be able except what you are saying, if you think she can, then say it just be tactful. if not, maybe words are not the answer.
I'll like to recommend you one of the best books I've read, Rosalind Wiseman's 'Queen Bees and Wannabes'. It's a bible when treating with teenagers and altough it focuses with social issues, it teaches you how to talk to teens.
@linguo42: THIS.
I had my weight shoved down my throat my whole life. My family never had healthy eating habits or portion control. I was expected to diet (600 calories a day when I was 10 years old) while my other siblings ate at will. Unless everyone is on board with food and activity and all the crap is out of the house, your sister is likely to fail.
OK. I agree it is a hugely sensitive subject HOWEVER I think people make a lot of assumptions. I don't know how much I really knew about nutrition as a teen. Are we talking 13 or 17? I know I was over weight and joined weight watchers in 8th grade b/c I didn't WANT to be that way, but I had obese parents who didn't know how to teach me what a normal portion was either.
It might be hard for her to reach out and ask for help b/c it is obviously a shitty situation to be dealing with in high school. I think that you know your sister best and if there a non-confrontational way to talk about things she might appreciate it, but I'm definitely not in the majority here.
i don't think ignoring the issue is the way to go either. Who knows if she knows how to be healthy, or what portion control is. I'd have a conversation with her, ask her if she's happy, and if she's not to ask if she'd like help with how to make changes. It doesn't sound like she has good nutritional role models and she may need someone to show her how to eat healthy. If she says she's happy and doesn't mind her size, or she'd not comfortable with your help, then let it go.
I wouldn't directly talk about the weight, but why don't you try to spend time with her and inivite her out to do something more physical to get excercise. Ask her to go for a walk with you, or ride bikes. Help inspire a healthier life style.
@NJmeetsBX: my sister signed me up for a half marathon, a few months after I had my son - just to help me lose that extra baby weight. It really helped. I was forced to run and I did! It wasn't rude or anything...she just wanted me to feel good about myself again.
I don't agree with Corgi at all. I have a 14 year old relative who is almost obese. she walks hunched over as if it hurts her back. she eats, like 2x the amount of food than anybody else. like, I've seen her put away an entire pizza and then have a huge piece of pie on top of it. I believe she is depressed (she also does not take care of her hygene at all) and has a food addiction. she needs to get counceling, I think it's too late for her to do anything on her own.
I've talked to her mother and she is aware, but she will not talk to her daughter about it. it KILLS me. I have no idea what to do!
As an overweight person who has been overweight for over 20 years, I can honestly say that you CAN say something, but you should wait for her to bring it up first.
Would you feel comfortable taking her for a mani/pedi and then dinner or lunch? If you do some sisterly bonding, I'm sure it will come up somehow. Not exactly "I am overweight and I'm frustrated" but other hints as to why she has gotten this way. Those could easily segway into a discussion about how she's eating, etc. If her mom's not eating right, then she'd definitely need a push to choose healthy foods over those which are in the house.
You can extend the advice to do physical activities with her to educational activities regarding food. Sign up for a cooking class together, preferably one that focuses on healthy eating. Invite her over for dinner and have her help you cook. Invite her over for movie nights and serve cut veggies with hummus.
The best thing you can do now is expose her to other, healthier ways of eating. It's 100% possible to do so in a way that is positive and health--focused, rather than making it a conversation about weight. Being a healthy role model is of the upmost importance here. She needs to see you making good choices - mostly healthy foods, enjoying sweets/fats sparingly, but not completely depriving yourself.
Id say DO talk to her. Nicely, be understanding, listen to her. if she chooses not to talk, then just say u understand and maybe when the time is right, talk to her again. Yes shes definetly aware, of course she is! but sometimess.. we all need to hear it from someone else to help wake us up --
I don't think you should ignore it completely. I also think she is probably smart enough to see through any suggestions about doing something physical or suggestions about healthy eating. People who have issues with their weight, whether it is eating too much or too little, tend to have larger emotional reasons behind these behaviors. I like the PP suggestion of a mani/pedi and dinner to check in with how your sister is doing. Ask her about how things are going, her home life, school, etc. and hopefully this will open the talk up to more sensitive issues and give you a bigger picture of her life in general.
As a woman and adolescent who is/was overweight, I actually think it should be addressed somehow. In my opinion, it's easier to break unhealthy habits at an earlier age, rather than waiting. Also, what if there was a medical or underlying emotional reason for her weight gain? Wouldn't you want her to be able to address that? If you are uncertain of how to approach her about this, maybe someone in the family could ask a physician to bring it up at her next visit. The one time that I really responded to another individuals prompts for me to do something about my weight, was when my OB said that she noticed I had been gaining about 10-15 lbs. per year. Then, she suggested that I work to maintain my weight and gradually take the weight off. Best luck with this decision!!
I think that it's most likely she's overweight either because she has poor examples or there is an underlying issue, such as depression, bullying, etc. See if you can get her to open up about other areas of life, maybe at a girls' day out or something, and see if there are any hidden problems. Also, you and her parents can be the examples- if she sees everyone around her eating better she might too. Also, if possible, get her parents not to stock junk food in the house. If she's hungry for a snack, and she has an option of chocolate, it's tempting. But if there's only fruit, yogurt, crackers, whatever healthy snack she'd eat, then that is what she'll eat. Also, healthier dinners- do her parents cook? What kind of food? Do they eat out a lot?
I believe she knows she's overweight, as PPs have said, and as a plus size myself, saying anything to me about my weight would just make me more upset about it and more depressed, no matter how nicely you approach it.
Ugh, I agree with PP. I highly doubt she doesn't realize she's overweight. I know you have good intentions, but I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you not to lecture her on healthy eating, lifestyle and exercising. It's probably more of an emotional issue than a common sense issue.
People have always assumed that because I'm fat, I must be stupid and just sit on the couch all day, stuffing my face with junk food. There's nothing I hate more than smug thin people who think they're being subtle. Earlier in my engagement, FMIL was telling me I should start walking more to get in shape for the wedding, and FSIL (who is 5'5, weighs 90 lbs and lives on pizza and soda) butted in and asked if I know that fruit is good for me. Seriously?????
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