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I think lots of people experience monetary guilt and sticker shock at first when it comes to weddings. They're a lot of money, but it's also for a big-deal event. And while it's natural to experience guilt, if you put things in the perspective of being thankful for the generosity that any parents contribute and being good stewards of all the money regardless of who contributed it, eventually the guilt wears off and the elation of having the day of your lives starts washing over you.
That said, I think you're smart to have a set number for the budget and to treat that as your ceiling with the goal of coming in under budget. As long as your dad knows that he won't be spending any *more* than that amount and that you're going to try your darndest to spend less, that should hopefully help him stress less. I think people get into trouble when they treat budgets as starting off points rather than stopping points.
We're in the exact same boat as you! We were happy to have a small wedding with what we are paying and what my parents offered to help with. They set a number years ago and my dad (most frugal man I know) thought that his number was so high we'd have "money left over to put towards a house" - he was so nice about it I couldn't bear to tell him that the money wouldn't pay for half of our now expected guest list.
I was talking with FMIL one day, and she was expressing what she was disappointed in with FSIL's wedding, and we were agreeing on a lot of ideas for mine. She was saying how important it was to her that certain people were invited, and she saw the look on my face at the number, and said, "don't worry, we'll be happy to help you out."
So two very generous offers, but one very vague, and the other thinking that it's enough to pay for everything plus some! I feel guilty for planning the wedding we & FILs want, and I'm really going to have a hard time asking for anything. I just feel too guilty, especially because the FIL's have basically single-handedly allowed me to continue my college education by keeping my well-paying job in their nursing home and supporting me when my parents would not.
I would just be upfront with your parents about the actual costs of the wedding-- things add up really quickly, and you want to make sure they know you did search for the best deals. Maybe work out your budget spreadsheet with alllllllll the categories, and add in some rough numbers, and send to them. Say something about how you're so grateful that they're being so generous to host the celebration for you, and something to the effect of: "FI and I are continuing to add to our wedding fund each month, and are in great shape to cover the remaining $xxx-- I think we'll come in under our estimate, as long as we keep our guest list around 75-85 people, that is..."
We had our first quasi talk last night with FIs parents (my side is not able to financially contribute anything, my Aunt bought my wedding dress and that is about all she can afford).
FI dad said they'd help, but ya, I need firm numbers and a firm guest list (as apparently there are some FI wasn't considering or didn't think about). I'm hoping to have FI finalize this with his family so that hopefully we can start doing some serious reception leg work next month.
But yes, I feel your pain on this topic.
I know how you feel. I couldn't bring myself to ask for any help at all. Luckily, my grandparents both immediately offered some money and my mom is helping where she can with things like the flowers and cake. FI's family has offered to do the rehearsal dinner. Anything not offered, we're doing on our own!
I totally feel you! It took me months to work up the courage to ask for any help from my parents for the wedding!
I totally understand how you feel. My parents are also in their 60s and I felt like I was putting a dent in their retirement. They didn't really have much of a clue what stuff cost when we started. We split it up based on vendor. They paid for "the reception" (location, rentals, food, drinks) we paid for other things (photographer, DJ, officients, centerpieces, invitations).
I was chatting to my Dad last week about the wedding and he said something like Yeah, I think we did the whole thing for like $X number of dollars. I gently mentioned that hubby and I had spent about half of that on the wedding too. He couldn't believe it and thought it must have included the honeymoon but once I started listing stuff he quickly saw how fast it added up.
Once you start getting quotes your parents will see what the normal costs are!
My parents are giving us a sum of money and its up to us to budget appropriately. Originally I thought we could easily plan a wedding on that amount. And then reality hit (huge guest list, etc, etc). I freaked. I tried to explain the problem, but they weren't getting it. So I put it into terms they could understand - cost per head. Once I did this my Mom was suddenly motivated to cut her enormous guest list. And now we have more wiggle room.
Maybe the same approach will work for you.
I found it uncomfortable too. My parents were great though and we decided it was easier for them to give us a dollar amount and we just had them pay for specific things up to that amount and we paid for the rest. We had planned on paying for almost everything ourselves as we're older so when they offered to pay for such a considerable portion we were pleasantly surprised and grateful.
I definitely hear you... for months the response we got was, "well, just let us know when you need some money," and as nice as that was we needed a firm # so we knew what we could afford.
What helped was sitting them down, showing them what things actually cost, showing them our contributions and then point blank asking what they're able to cover of the remaining amount. When my family saw the numbers then it changed from "let us know when you need money" to "catering is X amount, how about we pay for that."
My parents are already retired, so I know how you feel. They are not contributing much, but I'll never bring it up myself. If they want to give me money, they will. If they don't, then I'll do it on my own. Ugh, it's so frustrating! Wish they would just give me a number and be done with it :)
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Let me start this post by saying that I ADORE my father. He is so special to me and I'm crazy about both of my parents.
Unfortunately, I kind of want to vomit when we're talking wedding budget. The whole thing stresses me out so much and our approaches to it are so different.
For one thing, I feel pretty darn guilty to just ask them to hand over so much money. They offered, they assured me the amount was ok, but then, a part of me keeps going "My parents are over 60 now, they could be putting that money towards retirement."
So I already struggle with that. And then me papa, love him to death, takes a much more ambiguous approach to planning. Funnily enough, I am Miss Laid Back in general, but I get anxious where large sums of money are involved. So I want it to be Set In Stone.
Talked to him the other night and when I mentioned the original amount we talked about, he was like "Well, how many people are you inviting? That seems like a lot for a small guest list, are you sure? I mean, I guess it depends on your vendor choices too, you'll want to research the best deals on that, so we'll see how it goes." Then he was thinking maybe he would add his first cousins / extended family to the guest list.
Aack! First of all, going back and forth on the budget stresses me to no end. I just want a firm amount to work with. Whatever portion he doesn't contribute will fall in my lap if I find out to late, and that could have a huge impact on me financially if it's less than we talked about.
Second, my dad doesn't realize that I am actually contributing a significant amount of money to this wedding myself. He thinks that the amount he originally said might be too much for our smaller guest list, when in fact it represents about half of the actual costs involved. They are in a small town and we are in a big city, it is SO different price-wise. Also, adding all these people to the guest list would blow the budget through the roof, but again, he doesn't realize this and I would feel really, really awful saying "You want to invite Great Aunt Bea? Great! Cough up 10-20K!"
I will end up talking to my mom, she is good with practicalities and numbers and she will be able to talk to him. Still, I hate this process, I get so guilty and stressed about it! Anyone else going through this?