Post # 1
I keep hearing so many stories (not only on this board but just in life) about huge marital problems that erupt–usually financial but they run the gamete–that should’ve been talked about way before. I haven’t had one of these yet, but I’m sure that everyone’s somewhat vulnerable to this. So my question is, what do you feel you should’ve talked to your husband about before marriage? Or what are you glad you talked to your husband about before marriage?
Post # 3
Well, I’m not married yet, but one aspect of living together before marriage that has been nice is getting our joint account. We weren’t engaged yet when we got it but we knew that we would be getting married sooner or later and honestly I was just waiting on the ring. It has helped us discuss the fact of how much we know we can spend and i have learned to better watch our finances.
Another thing that has been nice is that we have talked about pretty much everything under the sun and for me, since we disagree a little in the political/religious arena it has been nice because we know not to talk about those issues.
That’s all I can thing of at the moment.
Post # 4
honestly, we talked about everything before we got married. I think being long distance for a few years really forced us to communicate, instead of just being comfy cozy with each other. We haven’t had anything come up that’s been “holy crap, you feel X about that?!?!?!” that was really surprising or anything. We’re talking about TTC this summer and we’ve had a lot of hypothetical discussions about kids, too. We had some before we were married, but we’re having them a lot more now.
Communication is so, so key.
Post # 5
Not married yet. SO and I are wanting to get engaged this summer. Finances and politics are the big things we’re going to hammer out.
Post # 6
Like Swetrose, FI and I have had joint finances for years (even before we were engaged). Having everything be joint before marriage will make things much easier for us because there won’t be any surprises. We will continue to live life exactly like we do now. Really, the only thing that will change for us is our filing status.
It’s also helped that we’ve lived together for about 5 years. We’ve already dealt with so many of the issues that couples deal with after marriage so when those problems arise in the future, we’ve already got it covered!
Post # 7
the kid thing … that was good to talk thru. How to handle the finances … we’re in an LDR so i think that lends itself to more talking.
Post # 8
@HisIrishPrincess: It’s so funny to hear from you ladies because DH and I were ALSO long distance and while I wouldn’t recommend LDR I definitely think we communicate better than most couples I know.
Post # 9
FH and I were long distance for the first few years, and I DEFINITELY agree that it’s helped with our communication. I think a few big things are finances, obviously, and holidays. Blending traditions can often be a problem, like where you go for Christmas, etc or when you open gifts. It doesn’t seem like it’d be a big ordeal, but when you wait and discuss them at the time, it can result in a huge battle.
Post # 10
Along with the whole kids talk, FI and I have also discussed how we’re going to discipline our future kids. My sisters and I have a huge age gap, and he sees how my sisters play one parent against the other, so the FI has made it clear that when it comes to parenting, we’re going to have to be a united front… something I hadn’t even thought about until he brought it up.
Post # 11
@ejs4y8: Totally agree! That’s something I’ve said for a while about my hubby and I. The distance made it impossible to do anything other then TALK and we did. About EVERYTHING! 🙂 I saw a post a couple of times listing 100 things you should talk to each other about before getting married and we’d talked about them all. Communication (and having an understanding of how the other views things) are soooo very key to any relationship. 🙂
Post # 12
We are also currently in a LDR :-).
I really believe that communication is one of our strong points. We’ve gotten really good at letting the other person know when there is a problem rather than making them guess when there’s one. We will be going through pre-cana classes through the Catholic church (FI is Catholic, I am Protestant, and we’ve already had maaaannnyy conversations about what we’re going to do in the future). Those apparently really lead to a lot of discussions about things!
We are in the process of getting a joint checking account (I went and opened the account last week, and when I go to visit him, we will add him onto the account). We’ve talked about finances, about children and religion, even about what we expect of each other in relation to household chores.
I also got a book called Just Engaged that brings up a lot of good things to talk about. I highly recommend it!
Post # 13
I have found a few conversations to be really helpful as we prepare for this step in our lifes:
1. Finances: How to arrange savings/checking/retirement/etc. accounts, and the expectations around spending.
2. Goals about building a house, having children, and a rough timeline. My fiance is in medical school, so we have talked a lot about his residency application process and where we are willing to go.
3. Parenting: We’ve talked about parenting styles quite a bit. This is actually one spot where we have some disagreement (we were parented fairly differently), but have agreed that no matter what we won’t explicitely go against eachother and will try to work as a team. I’m sure we will have some fights about this, especially as our kids get older, but we agree on the big stuff like whats most important for kids to have, amount of pressure to do well in school, etc. We’ve talked about everything from private vs. public school to rules about movies and t.v.
(this also includes lots of discussions about me staying home before our children are in school full time as long as I am happy doing so, but we’ve also agreed that I’ll go back to work at least part time once they are in school full time because of the other goals we have in life)
4. Responsibilities: We’ve talked about chores. Its important to me that our kids don’t see me do all the “mom chores” and him do all the “dad chores.” We’ve talked about how to split things up in an even and reasonable way.
5. Divorce: I know that this sounds strange, but we are both pretty grounded in reality about this sort of thing. I love him, and if I had to do my life over again I would choose him every time, and I really do think we could spend the rest of our lives making each other happy, and I know he feels the same way. That said, things don’t always go according to plan. And we’ve talked about that. What are the deal breakers? Under what circumstances are you open to couples counseling? How will custody be split? What will the expectation around child support/alimony be? Obviously you can’t account for everything that would go wrong, but these conversations have actually brought us closer together, and at least for me made me respect him even more (because he says things like, “of course I would paid alimony- you will be contributing so much to our family in unpaid labor over the years, while I will be contributing financially. That should be accounted for.” My practical little heart swoons!)
Post # 14
Finances (what kind of house we want to live in some day, what kinds of cars we want to drive, what kinds of trips we want to take, what our savings goals are), kids (yes/no/maybe, if they’ll be baptized, if they’ll go to church), jobs (when do each of us want to retire? what do we expect of the other in terms of ambition), etc.
Post # 15
We talked about finances, religion and how many kids we wanted. Having a joint account finances was important to me. He was on board as long as we don’t waste money on stipud thins which I ofcourse agreed to. We both wanted the same amount of kids however I changed it but eventually caved. I was worried about how we are going to pay for four kids college we came up with a plan. We also talked about divorce which we both don’t believe in, parenting and responsiblities along with other things.