Post # 1
I am bi and although I have not come out to my family my FI knows about my past relationships. I absolutely love my fiance and find him to be the sexiest man alive, BUT I am still very much attracted to women. He has asked me on several different occassions if "I’ve gotten it out of my system" and I don’t know how to answer that…has anyone gone through this?
Post # 3
I have not personally gone thgough this bc I am straight, but I am sorry you are having to go through it. I have several friends who are homosexual or bi and love them all dearly. I really don’t think that there is a "working it out of your system". You can’t just stop being attracted to someone because they are the same gender. Everyone has those initial attractions to people, even if they are in a relationship with someone else. They may not act on that attraction, but it is still there.
I think that your fiance needs to realize that. If he doesnt accept your being attracted to members of the same sex then that could be a problem. Maybe talk to him about your feelings and see why he keeps asking you that. Aslo, reasure him that just becuase you are attrached to women doesnt mean you are out fooling around with them. As i said before, everyone is attracted to people outside their relationship, but if they dont act on it, what is the big deal.
Sorry if this wasnt helpful at all, but I am thinking of you and hoping that everything works out.
Post # 4
Here’s a link for someone who has shared your situation. Maybe you can contact her and talk.
Post # 5
I haven’t been through it personally, and I really don’t mean to pass judgement on your FI or your relationship, but I couldn’t think of any other way to respond.
A comment like that suggests to me that he maybe has not fully accepted you for who you are. Your sexual preference is not something you "get out of your system."
Do you think he’s worried about (or feels threatened by) the fact that you will continue to be attracted to women? Are you comfortable with only being with a man (in the general sense as well as sexually) for the rest of your life? If you are, you should reassure him about it. He may be worried that once you’re married, you will occasionally crave an experience that he can’t give you.
Post # 6
@chaiankh99 – I think you nailed it. I don’t want to be with anyone else and I do think that he may feel that later on I may want something he can’t provide. I just don’t know how to reassure him that he’s my one and only.
Post # 7
I’m sure you’ll find a way. I wish I had real advice, but all I can say good luck!
Post # 8
I think ChaiAnkh is spot on about him worrying that someday he will not be able to satisfy you in a fundamental way. It’s making him feel insecure about his masculinity.
To reassure him, I would approach it from the angle of choosing to be monogamous with him. When we get married or in a relationship we don’t cease to be attracted to other people, but we do choose whether to pursue those attractions. You both will be making those choices throughout your relationship. He could just as easily find another girl he was more attracted to. So what he’s trusting is not that you’ll never be attracted to another person ever again but that you are going to choose to remain faithful to him.
Then there’s a question of magnitude of attraction and temptation. A common misconception is that bi people are attracted to everyone. He might be worrying that your pool of potentials is twice the size of his, increasing the odds of temptation and thus your attentions straying. Well, he certainly isn’t attracted to every woman he meets, right, only a small subset? Explain to him how you are the same way, except that your subset of people happens to include members of both genders. Then yopu are back to square one about choosing to act or not act on those attractions, and that is the fundamental discussion of fidelity that every couple has. Good luck 🙂
Post # 9
I think your fiance just needs to get around to realizing that attraction is attraction is attraction. It’s all alike – just like he’ll see other people he’s also attracted to at times, it doesn’t mean that you’re not enough for him. You just need to find a way to best explain that. You’ll BOTH have attractions to others but you’re making a conscious committed choice to stick together. With him saying stuff like "getting it out of your system" it seems like he just doesn’t think of it as equivalent to ANY sexual orientation, and he needs to start. I hope you can help him understand and that he feels more at ease! I wish I had more advice on it!
Post # 10
Hmmm I guess I am looking at this from a different perspective. I don’t care if you are bi or homosexual. I know you are feeling like you are put on the spot when he asks if it is "out of your system" and I am sorry that it makes you uncomfortable as it isn’t something you can change. BUT, could it be that he is just looking for you to no longer be attracted to anyone? I know with my FI, I don’t even notice people I once would. I am personally no longer "attracted" to anyone but him. I mean, yeah when a celebrity I like comes on the TV I may say something like "oooooo, I LIKE James Franco/Mark Wahlberg/Robert Pattison/fill in super celeb hottie here" but thats just in good fun.
Just playing devil’s advocate here and maybe he just wants to be sure that you only have eyes for him?
Post # 11
I think some people have the mistaken idea that “bi” is synonymous with, “not monogamous.” That is silly. As pointed out recently by Dan Savage in an analogous situation (bi husband, straight wife):
I suppose you could point out that women with straight husbands aren’t guaranteed an adultery-free ride. Sandra Bullock, Jenny Sanford and Elin Nordegren all married 100 percent heterosexual men – at least so far as we know at press time – and despite their husbands’ failure to take it in the ass (no man’s perfect), all three women wound up on the cover of In Touch, Us and People.
The fact is, even if you were 100% straight, you would have to remember not to have sex with the 3 billion other men in the world. If you are bi, you have to remember not to have sex with either the 3 billion other men or the 3 billion other women in the world. You don’t have to get being bi “out of your system”; you just need to make the same commitment any other married person does to be faithful to your spouse.