Post # 1
I have been friends with this girl I know since I was 12. She is also my Mom’s sister’s husband’s sister’s daughter so we have to attend all the same family functions. We were the best of friends through highschool, but after highschool, we started to drift and become 2 very different people. I am more preppy, career & goal bound, and traditional. She is more wild, likes to party, drink, and still is stuck in the “teens” of our youth. I have not always agreed with how she lives her life, but I have always accepted her for who she is. Throughout our friendship, I have always done for her. I have always been there for her and was always the first person to throw down money if she needed it. I feel that I have been a very good friend to her over the last 13 years. As I mentioned, she is a little wild and currently has 14 tattoos, 9 of which are very visable; such as on the wrists, or neck, shoulders, legs, feet. When I got engaged, I knew she had tattoos and I accepted that. I accepted that there were going to be many that could and would be seen. I asked her to be my bridesmaid, and she accepted. A month later we go to dinner and she starts telling me about the 4 new tattoos she had gotten since I got engaged a month ealier, all of which were huge and on her arms. I laughed and made a joke stating “At the current rate of new tattoos, I am going to have to put you in a body suit for the wedding.” At the time she laughed and we went on with our dinner. I did mentioned that since all the bridesmaid could pick their own dress, we might be able to find one that could cover the larger tattoos on her backs and legs, which she agreed with. This would still mean that several of her tattoos would be visable (even if I do not care for them). She does not get them professionally done, but by friends and they are very “trashy” looking, but I was okay with that. Several month after that a dinner, and several times of seeing eachother since, she sends me an e-mail that states that she no longer wishes to be a bridesmaid since I am trying to cover-up her tattoos and she does not feel that I should ask her to change herself and ask her to hide who she is. (Did I mention this was out of the blue, and a message to me on facebook?) When I said that about the dress, I figured that she would be okay with that, it is not like I was saying that she needed to wear a turtle neck, gloves, and full garb. Just said, a long dress (which all the girls are wearing) and maybe something a little more modest on the back and chest. I feel that she wants me to beg her to e in my wedding or to call and apologize for joking about the full body suit. I don’t think I did anything wrong and did not ask her to do anything I did not ask the other girls (who do not have tats) to do. What should I do? Should I call her and apologize and ensure her that the tats are not a problem (even though I would be lying) or let her know that if that is how she feels, then okay. I feel publicly humiliated that she would say that, on facebook no less. Why could she not just come and talk to me like adults and tell me that purposely cover the tats is offensive. I just I just assumed that it would not be a problem, becuase when I have been a bridesmaid, I wore the dress that we picked, did my hair the way that was picked, did my makeup the way that was picked. I am not demanding any of that. But I guess I am bridezilla!
Post # 3
Personally I think she owes you an apology for the way that she addressed this on facebook instead of face to face or atleast on the phone. I think that its fair that since she added more tattoos after you asked her to be you BM that you do have a right to choose a dress for her that atleast covers some of the tattoos.. I know that people will say you have to accept her as she is, but its your day and you should be happy with the way the bridesmaid’s look for that day. I expect my bms to wear the dress i choose and wear their hair the way i choose. this “friend” of yours should be willing to do the same. I doubt it will kill her to wear a long modest dress for one day just for your sake. I say pick someone else to take her place.
Post # 4
no you are not bridezilla. It is very resonable to ask her to cover her tatoos and you asked her in a very resonable way. When anyone has to go to a formal event, like work, job interview, weddings, funerals they should be prepared to and want to cover their tattoos out of respect. Even if you are not having a formal black tie wedding, it is still a formal event and people should respect that. You and your family have worked very hard at your wedding and it is a very special day. I think your friend should understand that, though the tattoos dont offend you, they will offend your great grandmother and you would not want her to have a heart attack.
Post # 5
Ok, this might not be a popular response, but here goes:
Specifically choosing a dress for her that just happened to cover her tats is one thing and if she refused to wear a dress YOU chose then yes, she would be wrong BUT you told her she could pick her own dress and have made a lot of comments about covering her tats which is a little different. In doing it that way you are taking something that is very personal and a part of her (regardless of how you feel about it) and basically telling her that it’s not ok.
If you aren’t ok with having someone with visible tattoos in your wedding that is totally your choice but you shouldn’t have asked her. To me what you’re doing is not that much different than telling someone to lose weight to be in your wedding. It’s like you saying you need a long dress because I don’t like how your legs look and you need a empire waist to cover that belly…
If you really want this girl in your wedding then apologize (yes, you can ask her to apologize for doing it on facebook, that wasn’t cool). Then make a date to go shopping with her for a dress you both can agree on.
Post # 6
I think you owe her an apology. You knew about the tattoos when you asked her to be a bridesmaid. If you weren’t okay with her tattoos, you shouldn’t have asked her in the first place.
Post # 8
@PumpkinSpiceChai:the bm didnt have as many tattoos at the time she asked her. so she technically didnt know about all of them at that time. why would she owe the BM an apology after the rude way the BM even brought up the topic?
Post # 9
I agree with PumpkinSpiceChai. I think you ask someone to be a bridesmaid based on the quality of their friendship and the relationship you have with them, not what they look like.
I think that although you meant it as a joke, she took your comments as a personal affront to her appearance, and to be honest, I probably would have thought the same thing. Would you ask a girl who is a bit heavier to lose weight for your wedding so they looked better in pictures? If your answer is no (and i think it should be), then this is a similar situation. You should accept your bridesmaids as they are, or else you shouldn’t have asked them. I do think you should apologize, and let her pick whatever dress she wants, modest or not.
Post # 10
i wonder why people are comparing weight to tattoos.. are they really similar?? Employers never talk about an employee being too heavy, but they do turn people away for having too many tattoos that dont fit in with their corporate look or they ask them to make sure they keep them covered. no one chooses to be over weight, but people actually go out and pay for tattoos to be painted on them.. these are two separate issues that can’t and shouldnt be compared
Post # 11
I beg to differ. I think the issue is that you are asking someone to change their appearance. Do people choose to be overweight, no, not necessarily. But If I was a BM in a wedding and I gained a bunch of weight because of lack of exercise and eating chocolate cake for dinner, I wouldn’t expect to be asked to lose that weight either, even if its a choice I’ve made to put weight on. Do i think thats why all people are overweight? No, but the issue is that it shouldn’t matter what a person looks like. You don’t pick people to be in your wedding based on how your pictures will look. You don’t have to agree that the situations are similar, but I think there is a comparison to be made. The OP is asking for opinions, and I’m sharing mine. Nobody else has to agree.
Post # 12
Tattoos and weight are both “appearance” things. And both part of the body itself; neither is easily removable.
(As far as “no one chooses to be overweight”, well that’s another debatable and controversial topic entirely, so I won’t even get started on it.)
There’s a huge difference between work and personal life. At work, you are representing the company; during personal life you are just you.
I also see tattoos becoming more and more accepted. Heck, I work at a children’s hospital, and even there tattoos are allowed. The only ones that need to be covered are those “scary to children”.
Post # 13
I can relate to this situation. My younger sister, whom I love dearly, has 2 visible tattoos already. The first one, which is on her foot, never bothered me- it’s cute enough and it was just on her foot so it wasn’t a big deal.
About 6 months before we got engaged, she started talking about getting a tattoo on her leg that would be a “memorial” for all the people she knows who have passed away. She told me what it looked like, and I mentioned “Hey, what if you want to wear a skirt” and she was said that she never did. I mentioned then that she would have to wear one in my wedding, and she just said “oh yeah” and I told her that she should really consider how large the design was.
Well, she didn’t take my advice to get it smaller or somewhere else, so now she has a huge tattoo on her right calf.
On top of that, she asked recently if I would mind if she got another tattoo on her shoulder of her daughter’s footprint and her name. What could I do? I wasn’t going to be the mean sister who told her she couldn’t do something to her body b/c of my wedding! I just told her that, while I wished she would wait until after the wedding, if she wanted to do it I wouldn’t tell her no. She hasn’t yet, but the wedding is 9 months away so who knows!
At some point, I just realized that it’s easier to say “I love you the way you are” and move on. She’s my little sister, I love her, so that’s why she’s in my bridal party. It really isn’t something worth stressing over.
Post # 14
so should the bridesmaid just put her appearance on hold until after she’s been in the wedding? i dont really feel like that’s fair either. yes, she’s accepted being a bridesmaid, but she hasn’t accepted having personal aspects of her life dictated. i feel for both sides, don’t get me wrong. i think maybe the bm had let the comments stew which resulted in the facebook message instead of in person or after the conversation intially happened.
Post # 15
@kazie15: I honestly see both sides of this. I think if this was a issue for her she should have mentioned it right away and in a more appropriate manner. But at the same time I think if you value her friendship then you may just want to look past it. In the end is it really gonna matter? I think the better question is to ask yourself this: in 20 years would you rather look at your pictures and see her tatoos or potentially regret that she wasn’t in them?
As for the posters commenting about tattoos Vs weight issues. If you asked someone that was overweight to be in your wedding you would probably expect them to pick a dress that flattered their body style. That’s all the OP is asking for when it comes to tattoos. She just wants the BM to pick a dress that works for what she has going on with her body.
Post # 16
Well, i’m gonna have to agree with the girls comparing this to asking someone to lose weight for your wedding. You ask someone to be a BM because they hold a special place in your life, not for what they look like. I asked my cousin to be a BM and she is covered it tats as well and I think they are awesome! would I get tattoos myself? no. but i still respect her decision to get them, it’s part of who she is and she wouldn’t be the fabulous person she is without that rebellious side. And she looked beautiful on my wedding day, tats and all, and if you make up with this girl so will she. While messaging you on facebook wasn’t the best way to convey her feelings, I still think she is justified in feeling bad about this. I don’t think you’re a bridezilla, not even close, but maybe your priorities need to be rearranged. lighten up a bit, maybe you could learn a thing or two from your “wild” friend 😉 go take a tequila shot with her and talk things out lol!