Teacher on summer break, husband super critical

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2685 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

dontstopbeelievin:  I’m not a teacher, but I would urge you to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about this because it is NOT okay and he needs a wake up call. “I work very, very hard during the school year, and one of the few benefits of my job is that I have X weeks off in the summer to recuperate. All of the snide comments about bon bons and the lists of the chores you expect me to do have to stop immediately. To be frank, it’s emotionally abusive. If you can’t grasp that, I think we should find a couples’ therapist to help us work through this, because I can’t and won’t continue like this.”

Post # 3
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I totally agree with Jijitattoo !!! This is not ok! How long have you two been together? I mean, he had to know that you have summers off as a teacher. It’s obvious that he is jealous of your summers off and that’s ok (I’m jealous too!) but he can’t take it out on you like that. That’s completely unfair and I really think you need to have a talk with him about the way he is treating you. 

Post # 4
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have to admit, I can totally understand why he’s jealous that you get summers off. I’m jealous too! It’s a huge benefit of being a teacher. That being said, it’s a perk of your job, not you being lazy. Being a teacher is hard work. Have you guys lived together during the school year? Maybe he’ll be more understanding if he sees the long hours you put in during the school year. Regardless the snide comments and chore lists need to stop. If he kindly asks you to run some errands or whatever, I’m sure you’d be happy to get things done so you two can spend time together when he gets home. But you’re not his housekeeper! I think you need to sit down (maybe over a yummy homemade dinner!) and talk about work and expectations. Let him know how his comments and actions make you feel. Be sympathetic that it’s probably hard for him to sit at his office on a beautiful sunny day and wish he could be enjoying the day, at home, with you. But he didn’t pick a job with the perk of summers off and that was his decision. 

Post # 5
Member
6013 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t like to use the jealousy card but in this case, he’s probably just jealous. My husband gets to make his own hours (business owner) and sometimes he doesn’t have to work every day of the week. Even if you’re not lounging around all day, you aren’t being forced to sit in the office. It sucks to be on the other end.

With all that being said, his behavior isn’t neccessary. I used to say little things like he does. “Must be nice to not have to work”, “must be nice to sleep in”, etc. Well, one day my husband made it clear that those statements annoyed him and made him feel like crap. It was a wake up call and now I do my best to not say things like that. I would suggest talking to him about how you’re feeling. You might be surprised at how understanding he can be once he realizes that these comments hurt you.

Post # 6
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

dontstopbeelievin:  Can you start a project around the house? Maybe a room needs painting or re-decorating, the attic needs organizing, etc? Not that those are “chores” but a task that will take awhile and your husband won’t imagine you sitting on the coach watching soap operas all day (not that you do, but sounds like that’s what he thinks).

While I am not a teacher, I do understand how nice it is to get a few weeks off from the stress of a school year. I know you guys deserve it! Please tell him how hurtful his words are and maybe he will change his attitude. Good Luck!

Post # 7
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with IzzyBear It’s surely just jealousy (and who could blame him!) and he probably doesn’t realize those statements actually hurt you. To him, he’s probably just teasing you while letting out a little jealousy. Just talk with him about it.

Post # 8
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I can sympathize with both you and your husband.  I was between jobs for a year, so was not working.  My DH (then FI) thought I was being lazy and would make snide-ish comments about me not working and relaxing all day.  I was in fact, spending a lot of time looking for a job and running our house, so that annoyed and hurt me.  We had a heart to heart, and the solution we came up with was, while I was not working, I would do the tidying up, Errand running, and prepare dinner for us.  And DH would stop the comments and be supportive and appreciative.

So sit down and have a heart to heart with him!

That being said, as someone who works 10-12 hour days everyday all year long, I dont really see the need for a summer of relaxation time (your words) – maybe a week or two at start of the summer?  Surely after you destress from the year, you can help out around the house during your time off – I know I did more than my fair share when I wasn’t working!

Post # 9
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

Sounds like he resents that you get to stay home all day. Tell him how you feel about his criticsm. He’s acting like a douche.

Post # 10
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

How long have you guys been dating before you got married?  Did you live together previously?  What I don’t understand is, if this wasn’t a shot-gun wedding (where you get hitched a week/month after meeting) than your DH should have been aware of your work schedule as a teacher.  And as such, WTF is he doing being so resentful and mean that you have the summer off?

Perhaps it is jealousy.  But I don’t understand the jealousy unless neither of you lived together before getting married and this was the first time he’s ever experienced your time off.  But even then, if you’ve dated for at least a year, he should have experienced your summer vacation while you were dating.

Based on your OP, it’s hard to tell why he would treat you this way.  But you definitely need to have a serious heart-to-heart with him where you tell him how much it hurts when he treats you like a lazy person every single day, and then instill some strong boundaries around his rude comments.

Post # 11
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

I’m in the opposite boat! I’m just dealing with my FI being a teacher and being at home all summer and having to leave him every morning to go to work. It’s HARD. And it makes me feel all sorts of nasty things that are NOTHING to do with him. I don’t think the ‘I work hard’ argument is going to gain much ground, though, because really, we all work hard. Luckily, my FI and I have talked and I’ve straight up told him I’m going to be jealous and have difficulties going to work and being positive when he gets to stay home. And he has said that he’s going to do whatever he can to make it easier on me. I know for a fact how hard he works and that he brings work home and all that. I totally get it. But it still feels shitty to go to work when your spouse is at home. Just a fact. The whole lists and snide comments thing needs to be talked about though, obviously that’s not okay. I would never dream about doing that. Maybe an unintentional snide comment occassionally because I’m feeling sorry for myself, haha, but not really. So, just a thought from the other side, definitely have a talk, but remember that it’s probably just hard on him and he’s not dealing with it in a good way.

Post # 12
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

dontstopbeelievin:  Sounds like he’s jealous, but that’s hard to understand when he chose NOT to be a teacher. If he wants to the same perks you have, then perhaps he should consider changing professions. I’m guessing no one MADE him choose his profession??

Anyway, rant over…I would definitely have a talk with him. Giving you a list of chores and then (the icing on the cake) instructing you to give him updates is NOT okay. You are not his housekeeper. You are his wife. He has no business treating you the way he is.

Post # 13
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

dontstopbeelievin:  I would take that list and shove it up his ass. Instructions to let him know when its completed? Is he for real?

He is probably just jealous. Tell him to back off!  He is not your boss. You are a teacher and everybody knows teachers ( unless they do summer school) get summers off. I would just make sure the house is taken care of, then go about my day.

He needs a reality check. It sounds like you havent lived together during the school year, so it seems maybe once he sees all the work you do next summer will be better. IN the meantime, I would sit him down and tell him he is not your boss and he will not be micromanaging you time. if there is something he would like you to do, he can ASK YOU NICELY like a normal human being. 

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m a teacher too, though I haven’t really had much of a summer break. Between writing curriculum for 2 1/2 weeks, several days of professional development, and two weeks of band camp coming up (I’m the color guard director), I’ll have only had about 3 weeks off. My FI makes joking comments like this from time to time, but he flat out told me he’s jealous. I would mention to him that you are taking time this summer to work on your upcoming classes for the new year and also maybe find a small house project to tackle. 

Post # 15
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think it’s jealousy or resentment but rather your perception of your workload and contributions to the household during the school year and the break time do not match his. It’s very possible that he does not see what you do every day in the same value as you do, and it’s also possible that you don’t see what he does every day with the same value that he does.

I think you need to have a calm, rational conversation about expectations, contributions and distribution of work. Do this some time when there are no distractions. Turn off your phones and focus on sorting out what each of you expects from the other, and then find some common ground.  It sounds like he has the perception that you should be doing “more” when you have the free time, which may be justified and may not, but before you know if his feelings are justified, you have to understand what his perception is. 

I would also take that chance to let him know how hurtful his words are to you, and suggest alternate ways for him to discuss projects and such when he percieves you have too much time on your hands.  Saying something like “that back bedroom really needs painting and I’ve just not had the time; if I tape the windows, would you mind doing the painting on your days off?” is a lot more productive than handing you a list and asking for progress reports.

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