(Closed) Teenage sitser-in-law to be…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Oh dear, I  can totally relate, except mine is now 17.No, she didn’t grow out of it. 🙁

It’s saddening me that I am beginning to resent her and ” tolerate her as a nessacary evil “. – gosh that sounds terrible out loud. 

I get it.  Breath.  

Post # 4
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  The school thing really surprises me. If a kid were to miss six months of school here without good reason, the school would be calling Department of Family Services and there would be major problems. Did she get held back at all? I can’t imagine that situation going over too well with the school!

Post # 6
Member
12831 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ugh, that sounds really, really awful.  I would try to include her in as little as possible so there’s less of a chance that she’d really upset you.  Try to not dwell on it, and hopefully she’ll grow up at some point!

Post # 8
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You can’t do anything about the relationship between this girl and her mother. If she’s not going to stand up to her daughter and refuse to cater to her, that’s on her. You don’t mention the girl’s father at all. Is he in the picture?

As far as your wedding goes, I think maybe you and your FI should take her out to lunch and have a talk away from the influence of her mother. And I think when you let her know you have some concerns about her behavior, you should approach the subject the way you would with an adult. You don’t have to agree with her opinions, but try and give her the same courtesy of listening when she expresses them that you would give an adult. It works both ways; if she’s treated like a child, she’ll behave like one. You may have better results if you start by treating her like an adult, and setting expectations for her to live up to, not down to.

Post # 9
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It seems like she needs some discipline and structure in her life.. If a teenager is allowed to act that way, and keeps seeing postive results by constantly getting her way, what do you expect the result will be?  Is her dad involved in her life?  She might be acting out because of her parents not being together.  It might have been difficult for her to see her mom get re-married and unfortunately her poor behavior was the result.

Post # 11
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You should not feel guilty about how you are feeling, I would be equally as frustrated.  Everyone copes with situations differently.  My brother and I had the exact same family life, and while I am totally fine and have dealt and adjusted to it not being an ideal situation, he has never really been able to work through it and still struggles with it.

When your 14 (at least when I was anyways) you are dealing with all of these new hormones and emotions and unfortunately they can come out in a not so positive way.  I agree with PP that you should both sit down with her and talk to her about how you are feeling and treat her like an adult.  Has she always been this way?  Or is her behaviour a newer development? (within the past few years)

My little sister is 13 and is going through that phase right now.  When I see her getting annoyed with our mom or being “bratty” (i hate to call her that though!) I ask her whats wrong, get down to her level and sympathize with how she is feeling, relate to her and then move the coverstaion forward.  What may not seem like a big deal to her mom or you and your FI may be a big deal to her and something she is struggling with.

Post # 12
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

Trust me, I’m in the same sort of situation, but mine is way over-confident. She’s recently become VERY religious and is shoving it down all of our throats and is absurdly spoiled by her stepmother, who thinks that she’s the greatest thing since sliced organic bread. Every other word out of this girl’s mouth is “I need.” Ugh. I just try to ignore her behavior, even when she looks down her nose at the birthday present that I struggled to afford for her. 

Post # 13
Member
4722 posts
Honey bee

I have a 15-year-old sister and all I can say is.. WOW! My sister is an angel in comparison! She’s a good kid anyway, but I’ve never seen something like that. 

I think discipline and proper parenting could do wonders. 

Post # 14
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have a younger sister who is 16, and am planning to have her as one of my BM’s. To be honest, she has become such a sullen teenager that I am almost regretting asking her to be in the wedding.

She does not have her license yet, and my mother treats her like a baby… won’t give her any freedom, won’t even let her stay home alone! (My mother was not even quite so bad with me, but that was only because she needed a free baby sitter).

I excuse her sullen behaviour and inappropriate actions/things she says because my parents try to shelter her too much, and it is obviously making her angry and rebellious. I was a much more compliant (oldest) child, and even I had some awful fights with my parents. I was angry and depressed while I had to live with my parents, and I can see that she is as well.

Not excusing YOUR FSIL, but kids at that age are often rude and overly dramatic because they don’t know better, and all that matters at 14 is your friends. Developmentally, 12-15 yr olds just do. not. care. about other people and can’t understand how they come across to adults. Especially if her mother is indulging the behaviour and giving her any consequences or attempting to explain why it is bad.

Post # 15
Member
6 posts
Newbee

We have all been that age. Although I do not condone such blaitently rude behavior nor am i defending her at all. From my perspective as an adult and having been through what sounds to be sort of a simular situation, young teens all go through phases and some of them last longer than others depending on how parents in that childs life react to the behavior. I mean who hasnt mouthed of to their mother or said something you peobably shouldnt say. Honestly she probably does have, for lack of a better term, daddy issues. I know first hand how that is. My father wasnt around until i was 11 and then still wasnt there. Although I never acted quite like this, i did have a phase where I was out of line, nor did I want to claim I was wrong. But by the sounds of the situation the mother is enabling this behavior. I mean she does her daughters hair at 14 years old!? Are you kidding? I am sorry but that mother is not doing her daughter any favors by doing everything for her. Kids all go through phases sometimes they grow out of it sometimes they dont. I fortunately did and realized that everything in life isnt going to be handed to you on a silver platter nor will it get done for you. You have to take the resposibility and stop letting everyone do things for you, and I think this time it needs to start with mom and step father not giving positive reactions to such negative behavior.    

Post # 16
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I understant your frustration. Im surrounded by 16 year olds on the course Im doing at college, and the way they view the world can be so…skewed. They have little to no respect for our tutors and my jaw just drops with some fo the stuff they say. Surely I wasnt that bad at their age?but I probably was!

If I was in your situation, the relationship between the teenager and her mother is between them, and as hard as it is, you will have to just step back and let them deal with it their way.

However,when it comes down to me,any attitude of her would be unacceptable, and she would made aware of this and the reasons why. Not in an unfair way, but just to let her know that her bratty behaviour is not going to fly when your around me. 

Also if she talked over others at dinner, I couldnt stop myself from saying something,like putting one hand up, shushing her and telling her it is rude to interrupt others wihtout saying excuse me first. But then that would be my bitchy side creeping out…..Innocent

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