Post # 1
Just curious to know what happens in other homes with other couples.
I am an emotional person. I am very affectionate, loving, I yell when I am angry. It’s just who I am.
I told my FI when we started dating that I am passionate. I am sensative and I can have a bad temper. he thought it was cute.. ugh..
he comes from a 14 year marriage that according to him had very little communication, they rarely argued and she doesn’t yell.
We don’t fight much. sometimes fight roll over and we might have a rough week. however he has said a couple times now that he wont tolerate me yelling at him.
which makes me feel like ..so you like the way your ex was better. she never yelled. seems like they held it all in and built resentment and relationship over.
when I say that he doesn’t say anything.
I informed him he does things I dont like either. like talking down to me sometimes and just being overall obnoxious & a jerk!
he can be very childish!
I dont name call. I just get angry and he tends to cut me off when talking so I raise my voice.
what do you guys think? how do you fight?
how often do you fight.
we are 10 months from our wedding. think I am getting a little nervous about making a second mistake. : (
Post # 3
I think it is perfectly acceptable for him to state that he will not tolerate you yelling at him, especially if he is not yelling at you. That respect works both ways and it has nothing to do with his ex.
You’re going to have to learn to control your emotions. Generally people who are set off that easily have something else going on, generally underlying issues or unresolved conflict. It might serve you well to talk to someone about communicating better yourself.
If I was being perfectly calm and collected in an arguement and someone was yelling at me, I would walk away. Period. It is rude, disrespectful and not productive at all.
You can call it “emotional” or “passionate” or whatever word you want to pretty it up with, but it is yelling and is not fighting fair.
Post # 4
We raise our voices when we argue, we have a small, nothing major argument at least once a week and more often than that most of that time, and I really think it’s fine and perfectly normal. I know the difference between our petty arguments and our very rare, real fights.
Post # 5
Instead of telling you how it works for us and making you compare yourself, I’m actually going to give some advice because that is really what you are seeking. You want to know if what you two are experiencing is going to hurt your chances in the long haul. Valid question!
Did you know that 90-some percent of conflicts in marriage go unresolved? That’s right. Often you don’t ever get to sway the other person into thinking you’re right, or vice versa. Instead, happy long term marriages are sucessful because they know HOW to deal with the conflict.
If you have someone who clams up, gives the cold shoulder, calls names, criticizes… then that’s a BAD way of dealing with conflict.
Do you consider him a man-child? What does he do that makes him like that? Give an example.
When you start to fight do you feel your blood pressure rise? Gottman talks about the flight or fight response and how to react to that, how to avoid blowups.
Try not to look at it so black and white. She didn’t yell = they broke up. You do yell = will it work? It’s not about yelling or not yelling really.
I highly recommend these books:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
Post # 6
I would never tolerate my partner raising their voice at me. Every once in a blue moon I will get snippy with my partner or he might call me out on something I’m doing– maybe once in our entire relationship have we ever raised our voices and it wasn’t a yelling argument but more of a “will you stop doing that?”
I think yelling is absolutely pointless in an argument and accomplishes nothing.
Post # 7
FI and I rarely argue, so I voted rarely argue and raising your voice is natural.
When we do argue it doesn’t last long we may raise our voices but it usually lasts less than 5 minutes and we part ways after and regain composure and then have a rational discussion about whatever was bothing us. But when we do argue it usually starts over something stupid like the dishes in the sink or something but the real issues are usually something that happened at work that we inadvertently take it out on eachother. Taking a “time out” helps us figure out what we are actually bothered by.
Post # 8
We do NOT yell… but since being pregnant I HAVE raised my voice & gotten a little irrational probably 3 times… all to quickly apologize (almost in the same sentence).
I lived in an abusive relationship/marriage for 5 years so there are just certain things that are unacceptable to me & that was on the table in the very beginning of DH’s & my relationship.
We have had numerous “heavy conversations” as we like to call them, but we also don’t have the normal “starter marriage” as I came with a 7 y/o son & are already expecting a child together.
I would suggest reading up on or taking some counseling on fair fighting & open communication so that you and your FH can have progressive “arguments” as opposed to things that don’t really get resolved & come up later.
Post # 9
I think I get louder naturally when I’m upset about something. I do the same thing, however, when I’m excited or happy.
Post # 10
ya we both raise our voice, we dont argue often.
Post # 11
We don’t argue much, but we do sometimes raise our voices. NOT yelling, but just louder than we would normally speak if we were say, talking about the weather. I often find myself talking louder whenever I am excited/passionate about something, so to me, it would make sense that we would elevate our voices when we’re upset about something.
Post # 12
We hardly fight but we argue about stuff sometimes (not often and usually because of me when I PMS).. I tend to be loud sometimes and I’m working on it.. LDR’s are very stressful : but my SO is a saint for putting up with me. In the 4 years we’ve been together, he’s only gotten loud with me once (and it took me by surprise because it was over something really dumb lol). Any time I get angry he tries to calm me down by overwhelming me with sweetness.. of course it always works haha. He likes to talk things out.. we both get defensive sometimes but we always talk our problems out no matter what happens.
All relationships have different dynamics though. You shouldn’t feel like he is comparing you to anyone. People deal with things differently and I’m sure he would prefer you not to yell and handle things in a calm way like he can.. but its something you have to work on. It’s not easy but practice makes perfect!
Post # 13
my husband has only ever raised his voice with me once and i burst out laughing because its just not him – we rarely argue and if we do its usually my fault from being in a mood and he reminds me this (because its true). hes good at saying “dont take it out on me if…” that gets me to focus on the real issue
Post # 14
@eloping: Now THAT’S a good way to diffuse an arguement!
Post # 15
@eloping: I use that one on DH when he’s moody… it does diffuse things & changes attitudes really well! =)