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Okay so if you read my last post you know the situation. Well last Wednesday he text me that he was still in love with me and wanted to work things out. We've talked on the phone and by text several times but we got nowhere. He asked to see me on Monday so I went to our apartment (still haven't taken my name off the lease bc I can't believe all of this is happening) and we talked. I told him that I wanted him to quit his weekend travel team and he said no, he wants to play out the summer and then he will quit. I just don't believe that he will quit. He says that he loves me so much and will do anything but my question to him is then why won't you quit softball? I love him so much and have been missing him like crazy! I hate going to bed without him and not waking up next to him. I had to go to dinner with my family last night and when the waiter asked, "and you're with...?" I had to say, "just me." I felt so alone! Ladies my heart is screaming for me to go back to him but my mind says no, you'll just get hurt again. I would really appreciate some advice from someone who's been through something like this. What should I do?
He's still putting softball before you. SOFTBALL. I know it's hard and you feel alone, but when you were with him, he still wasn't really with you, if you get what I mean.
Please stay strong. You deserve someone who puts you first.
Hang in there. It's rough at first to get over it, but I really don't think you should get back together with him. Your last post seemed miserable, you didn't sound happy at all.
Also, he called off the engagement in a text message. That right there says it all.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: he says he didn't but I don't know for sure. I really doubt he did because he knows there is no way i would take him back if he did and my dad would probably kill him!
I'm sorry but you should already know that you should be MORE important than a softball team....I mean seriously...you know that.
Try to keep strong.
I thought he realized he actually didn't want kids too? Don't compromise just because you're having a tough time adjusting to being lonely. You'll get used to it and start to focus on yourself more and more until you're 10x happier than when you were with this guy! Seriously, don't do it! Take yourself on a date and then go to the spa, do all the things you couldn't do because he was loving up on softball!
This is an easy answer.
If he's not willing to make changes NOW, don't even consider going back. And even if he agrees to drop some of his commitment to the game, I still wouldn't go back until I actually saw him missing practices consistently for at least two weeks.
Like others have said...this is SOFTBALL. It's a GAME. If he was a pro player and this was his career it'd be one thing, but he's not. If you go back, you will always be second to his team. That is not how you create a healthy marriage. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this, it's truly not fair to you. Stay strong, and start taking the next step to move on. *HUGS*
Firstly he is putting trivial things before you. Softball is not important no matter how you look at it it is a hobby that comes AFTEr necessities and you are a necessity. Its not like you are asking him to quit everything he does without you but to tone it down a bit so you two can be closer.
Secondly can you ever trust him not to randomly up and leave ever again? I know I wouldn't be able to. It would always be in my mind that "He is just going to leave again whenever he gets frustrated." That kind of mistrust isn't a fair situation.
Thirdly he was out with another girl the night after he broke it off (or the night of I dont remember) it sounds to me like he found someone he wanted to screw and rathe than cheating on you he dumps you, gets what he wants from the other girl, and now wants you back. Dumping someone for a night so you can freely sleep with someone else is worse than cheating in my opinion.
I know it hurts and I know you care about/love him, but you need to think would there be trust in this relationship after this? Would it be healthy for you? You are saying by going back it is ok for him to up and leave whenever he wants a new vag to screw or whenever softball season is in and he doesn't want to "deal with" having you around. It will hurt, it will kill but you need to find someone who will respect you and that you can trust.
This is very sad. I can understand. I remember when I broke up with my ex, who was also a jerk, I would talk to him and it made it really hard to move on and just completely break away. All my feelings for him were still there even though he did something unforgiveable and talking to him just reminded me of how much I loved him. Plus eating by yourself and watching tv by yourself, really can make you feel lonely when you were used to having somewhere there. So, you love him, you're lonely, and all that other jazz. I get it. However, he is a total jerk.
You need to stop talking to him for a couple of weeks and take your space. Really do it. No texts. No wondering where he is. None of that. Just time for you. Tell your friends and family that they need to help keep you occupied. Then reevaluate the situation and see where you stand.
I can honestly say, that I missed him for like 6 months after, but just a couple weeks of fully cutting him out of my life, made me realize I could get on with out him and that he was a jerk. Plus then I met DH and he tought me what a real man and love was all about.
So here's what you've gotta do: completely cut off all contact, at least for an entire week. This constant texting and what not only keeps him in the forefront of your mind, especially since he's asking to work things out. Ask him to respect your wishes and give you some space, not contact for a week, and you'll talk to him in 7 days. I'm willing to bet that during this time it'll get a little easier to handle, and maybe some things will become clearer after you give it some thought.
For the love of god... I really hope you don't go back with this guy. Softball? Really? Darling there are so many other people out there who will fit with you. This guy is proving he just simply doesn't want to make the time to do it. Find another one!
He doesn't want kids....he doesn't want to compromise (you go to counseling, but he won't give up ONE of his teams)....yikes. Okay, so, that he may or may not have been out with a "hot blonde" a day later aside....you love him, he says that he loves you. It could be that he was just going through jitters and crap like that. There was just a post about being 80% sure of someone, maybe this is that other 20% for him.
That being said...
It shows an incredible lack of maturity on his part that he's unwilling to give up one of his sports teams because he's "committed" to them. If he were as committed to you as he is to those teams, you wouldn't be having this problem. Get your stuff out, get off the lease, and tell him no. If he's really serious about getting back together with you, tell him he needs to come to couples counseling.
I think the problem isnt the softball thing, but didnt you say in the other post that he said he doesnt want kids, and you do? Thats a deal breaker right there.
The first thing that irratates me about this is he did this right before you were suppose to take a Final? Did he know you had a final to take that day!? Why would he say that to you right before an important test!? Not saying what he did was right at all, but if he was going to di it he could of at least waited till after your damn test! What an inconsiderate jerk in my opnion! If he didn't know then ignore all above, haha.
I agree that I would not go back to him unless he quits some of his teams. 4 teams all together? 3 softball and 1 baseball right? and he is giving you hard time about quitting one? If that was me I would probably ask him to quit 2! So then he can have one softball and one baseball. I don't think that's unrealistic, or ridic. to ask. If he says he will do anything, then he will do anything, and that means quitting one of his teams if you asked him too. If he he doesn't or won't, then well he lied, and isn't willing to do anything. Don't let him play you. He is maybe realizing that he made a mistake and wants you back but isn't willing to quit his teams. If he really loves you then he will be willing to compromise. It's not like you are asking him to quit all of it. and yea, what's the point if you barely ever get to see him anyway. He doesn't want to spend time with you it seems. He rather be playing softball or baseball. What kind of crap is that? I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry, I sitll want to be with you! You get back together and a few days later he's back to leaving you all the time. Yea, he really loves you and misses you my butt. (Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but I am furious for you!)
I say leave him hanging. Go out on some innocent dates, go out with your girlfriends. Do somethings for you. If he really wants you back he will do everything he can to get you back, like be willing to compromise! Compromise is so important in a relationship/marriage. So like I said, don't take him back yet if you are going too. Tell him "Well if you aren't willing to quit some of your teams, then I'm not willing to get back together with you, sorry, but you being on so many teams makes it impossible for us to see eachother hardly. I want to be with someone who actually wants to spend time with me." and get up and leave. If he wants you, he will work towards getting you back.
Edit: Yea, and also if he doesn't want kids, and you do, I'm not sure if that would work out. One of you either has to change your mind, and really meant it, and want it. or else it's not going to work, and I don't think I would waste some x amount of years to see if he will grow into the idea, becaue if he doesn't then you will have wasted x amount of years on nothing.
@KristenGotMarried: I really do feel like I could move on but he's everywhere! He was in my christmas videos and my families Easter pictures! He's everywhere! But like you guys said starting next week I will be keeping very busy. I start my last semester of college and graduate in July! I'm so excited about it! After school maybe I will have time to concentrate on myself and start thinking about finding someone else. Right now I just can't.
It's very simple and his behaviour is incredibly common...
Even the addict & abusive bf/husband will come back nicely to "work things out" b/c well they miss you. This says nothing as to any long term change and is simply b/c they don't like the not having instant gratification.
Have you made you list?... I surely wouldn't make ANY moves of reconciliation until AFTER you have that and then ONLY if how he is NOW matches what's on that list.
Breaking communication is the hardest part of healing and it's incredibly common for us ladies to not make it through b/c our guys come groveling back with hearts heavy but not real understanding or revelation of changes or need for them.
If he wants to play out the summer then he needs to play out the summer... making him quit will NOT fix the issue... thing is though he needs to play out the summer ALONE!
It WILL get better! I promise! Stay strong and don't settle. One day you'll be able to look back and know that as much as he says he "loves you" his actions are not love speaking at all.
((hugs))
He broke up with you with a TEXT!!!! Keep reminding yourself of that when you feel like you wanna go back to him...
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard to make clear decisions when you're still so emotional about things. It sounds like he regrets the text message, but it doesn't sound like you're convinced he's changing. My longterm BF and I have activities that we do separately that we love but it doesn't interfere with our relationship and it really shouldn't. I feel like if he was really willing to do whatever it takes to fix your relationship, he'd be willing to lie down in traffic and at the very least quit a softball team (or come up with a REALLY convincing reason). Bottom line, he sounds like a jerk and you sound like someone who wants a caring partner. Stay strong, girl!
@amnystik: I have made my list but could you PM me yours too? Mine was only like 10 things but they are all very important to me.
You ladies are amazing! I'm all for the tough love some of you are throwing at me because I need to hear it. I'm going to stay strong I promise. Since I started this thread he has text me and called and I haven't answered any of them. Keep the encouragement coming because without you guys I won't be able to make it through this.
I feel like he is expecting to be able to walk all in and out of your life whenever but he wants you to be there at the drop of a hat. He is still putting softball and baseball ahead of you... He with no warning txt you and told you to get out of his place. That he couldnt do it anymore. To me he sounds a bit unstable and a lot selfish. I say dont put yourself through that anymore.
Its hard Ive been with someone like this. And it hurts and you just want them back in your life. But you will realize soon that you are much less stressed bc he is gone. And doing things more for yourself. Put your head on straight and really think about the things that you want in life and if they match up to what he wants. If not move on and fast.
@pec1216: I know, it's so hard to do it, because I have been there myself, but you absolutely cannot talk to him for a couple of weeks, no texts, no calls, no nothing. You can't think clearly about any of it until you give yourself time to breath. Hang out with friends, do something that makes you happy.
Send him one final text that says, " I need some time to think about things" and then LEAVE IT. Don't respond to any more texts, calls. You're doing well so far, just keep it up!
You know what. My SO LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES softball. It is honestly his life and he enjoys playing so much and he runs his whole own team and everything. But, I know that he would quit in a heartbeat if it were between me and ball. He rarely likes to skip a game but for things that are important to me and him as well, he most certainly will. He puts the important things in life in front of them such as me, his work, and our finances (like skipping a tournament to work an extra Saturday).
This is a game. It will not be there for him forever. It cannot be next to him when his grandma dies or hug him after a bad day. The softball can't give him great sex either. But yet, he still clearly loves it more. It should have never come before you but now that it does if he REALLY TRULY wanted you back he would make the sacrifices to keep you. He will not quit his team after this year, he will make every excuse in the book not to and he will hope that next season you will have become complacent again and that he will get to go back to his traveling time. He's messing with your mind and you definitely know it!
Stay away! Sorry to be harsh but I just know that if softball created that much interference in our lives I wouldn't be able to handle it.
One last thing from me. Love is a verb. He can tell you he loves you til the cows come home, but if he doesn't SHOW you, his words are worthless.
ETA: Okay, I lied. This is the last thing: Breaking off a two and a half year relationship by text is AT BEST a dick move.
He broke off your engagement with a TEXT?!?!?!?!? 
I'm sorry, but no one who would do that is mature enough to be in a relationship, much less a marriage.
His refusal to quit softball to save your relationship is just a symptom of his selfishness that will continue to cause problems. He seems to default to his own needs, and not take any part of your life or feelings into consideration until he "needs" you.
Magnify this a million times for any other little issue that may come up during your lives. Do you trust him to ever be there for you and to always be on your side? He needs to be your best friend first and foremost, and this guy doesn't seem like anyone who even deserves a date with you, much less a marriage for the rest of your life.
Get some distance from him and find yourself again. Then take stock of your priorities in life and see if he fits into any of it. Only you can be the one to make the decision to move on, but you HAVE to define your reasons for leaving. If you're on the fence and still missing him in a lost haze when he texts you, you will be back at square one... in a relationship with him, but more alone than ever.
You deserve to have a MAN who will be there for you NO MATTER WHAT. There IS a man out there who will make you happy for the rest of your life. This guy doesn't deserve you.
I'm going to be a total old lady b*tch right now and say this:
You're young... you've got your WHOLE life ahead of you. You've got just a little bit of school left, so concentrate on that now and get through it as best you can. You're lucky to have found this out about him right now instead of years down the line. THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF MAN WHO IS READY TO GET MARRIED. You deserve someone who wants the same things you do, and you shouldn't settle with anyone until you find him. Instead of dwelling on the past, daydream about the wonderful, kind, selfless, loving man you are GOING to meet! Make him as hot as you want! :)
(getting down from soapbox) Good luck--and study hard!
Beyond all the other things he broke an ENGAGEMENT in a TEXT before a FINAL!
I'm sorry. If he isn't willing to stop softball to save and help your relationship, he is not worth your precious time.
He sounds inconsiderate, immature, and useless to boot. You can do better! Stay strong and stay the hell away from him!
You said that if you knew he was out with another girl that you would never go back with him.
I think you should consider the possibility that he went out with a girl and doesn't feel obligated to tell you because "you weren't together" at the time.
Also, not only was it bad enough to dump you via text, he did it right before a final. Goodness knows I could be having the best day in the world but finals are hard. I can't imagine realizing the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with is no longer there then taking, often, a pass or fail determining test.
Others brought up a good point with the no contact thing. It really helps clear your head.
I dated a guy who was into softball and he was just like this. UGH! The world revolved around stupid, club softball. I'm all for hobbies, but there were all these teams that he "had" to play on and one of them involved a woman he used to be with, intimately. I asked him if once that team was over, if he'd find a new team and he said he would, but then went back on his word and didn't understand why I was upset. There were lots of stories because they all go out and drink afterwards...and lots of the women are predatory...and lots of the men are looking to stray. It is a weird group with little to no boundaries. Softball guys are bad news!
He is emotionally abusive to you as well. He broke up with you by text before a final? What a jerk!
He doesn't want to have kids, but you do...I've seen marriages break up over this. There are guys out there who will treat you nicely, make YOU a priority, and will not break your heart over text message.
Stay strong and don't give in. I really think that not staying with him is the right answer, as a few diffferent posters have written. It does get easier, I promise!!!
Here's another reason: Because your vows would say "Baby, I love you more than anything and will always be there for you. Unless there is a baseball/softball team to play on but right after the game is over I'd run home. Except if the team goes out for drinks. But I'd be there for sure when the baby is due. Except if my team goes on the road." etc...
You guys don't want the same things..he says he may want the same things as you, but his behavior proves otherwise...regardless of how much you love him and how much he claims to love you (which is very debatable), if you take him back, there will be a constant struggle between him wanting his independance and what you want and deserve.
Two words- NO CONTACT. Change your phone number if you have to. Make a list of things you don't have in common that always bugged you a little bit.
And don't be in a rush to find someone else. Do not affix a band-aid to your heart. Let it heal. :)
I'm going to have to agree with everyone that said that you need to cut off all contact. Put the things that remind you of him away. There might be a lot of it, but you'll feel so much better.
And remember: he's a douchebag. He's scum. He's worse than scum. He can't even let go of SOFTBALL. OMG.
Just reading about him breaking off the engagement via TEXT makes me taste stomach bile. Ugh.
ok, I read the original post. um, text message breakups and text message getting back together? seriously? he wants to concentrate more on softball? he said he needs more time to do his own thing, but then he's seen with a hot blonde?
I'm sorry but it seems so obvious that he is immature and a liar as well. DTMFA (dump the mf already)!
Oh my gosh... please please move on! Be with your family, they will keep you strong. I promise.
Don't let him walk back into your life...at least until he matures a little. Someone who broke up with you...via text 10 minutes before your final is inconsiderate of your feelings! You obviously have a lot going for you, so find someone that can appreciate all that you are. I was in your position once..it really doesn't mean you'll be alone forever..someone who will appreciate you will walk into your life...keep going and you'll get there. =)
Guys want a sure thing, and he knows for now anyway, you are a sure thing. No matter how badly he treats you, there is a part of him that knows he can play on your emotions and get you back.
That's not love, it's abuse. So please prove him wrong.
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