Post # 1
Sorry in advance that this is so long!
Hi ladies, I need some advice/thoughts on this… and feel free to tell me to just suck it up, it might be what I need! My bf and I have had some issues lately (whole other story and we’re working on that), so some of how I feel right now could be coming from that.
My boyfriend has one sibling, a sister who lives around 8 hours away from us. She is married with two kids (aged 2 and 4) and we see them around every 6 weeks or so. His parents live 3 hours away from us and we see them pretty often too.
His sister and her family are spending Christmas with her parents so we agreed to go there too. My brother and his gf just bought their first home and are having a few celebrations at their house over Christmas so I was thinking we do 3 days with my bf’s family so that we can fit in seeing my family. My whole family is going out of town on the 27th until the beginning of January and we had always talked about getting a hotel for those 3 nights that we will be with my bf’s family.
Well, I just found out from my bf’s sister (we talk through text a lot) that her and my bf have talked and we’re actually spending 5 nights with them, meaning we will miss my family celebrations. AND we’re all sleeping at the same house. This doesn’t sound so bad except their house is a 1000 sq ft townhome with one bathroom and we would have to share the bedroom with my bf’s 4 year old nephew. Last time we were all there (just for one night), it was crowded! We had to share the room with him again for that one night and it wasn’t that fun! He doesn’t sleep well through the night and his mom kept coming in to check on him. I felt so uncomfortable the whole night. Not to mention the whole 6 adults and 2 kids in a small space for so many days thing. With one bathroom!
I asked my bf if we could 1) go for less nights so that we can fit in seeing my family (and not have to put the dogs in kennels for too long, especially since we have a long vacation coming up), and 2) stay at a hotel. He said he sees and respects how I feel on both of those points but he doesn’t want to upset his sister (who just turned 40) because she will “flip out” if we change our plans now.
Don’t get me wrong, I love his family to pieces but I’m very much the kind of person who needs their space. Even when I spend Christmas with my family (who live close to me), I always go home for a few hours just to kind of breathe and get away from it.
So what do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up?
Post # 3
No you’re not being unreasonable at all! It is Christmas, you both should spend time with your family too!
So tell his sister that you will spend 3 nights there as planned, and then go spend time with your family 🙂 As for the hotel thing, that is a good idea but not a necessity.
Post # 4
No, you’re not being unreasonable. You should get to see your family for the holidays too. Does he worry more about upsetting his sister or upsetting you?
Post # 5
@givemecouture: You’re not being unreasonable. 5 nights? With toddlers, in a small space like that? In the same room????? I would go ape shit nuts. No way would I be able to cope with that for 1 or 2 nights, let alone 5 nights. They’d have to commit me by the end of it.
If you do this, I’m going to personally nominate you for sainthood.
Post # 6
@Sunfire: You’re not being unreasonable. 5 nights? With toddlers, in a small space like that? In the same room????? I would go ape shit nuts. No way would I be able to cope with that for 1 or 2 nights, let alone 5 nights. They’d have to commit me by the end of it.
If you do this, I’m going to personally nominate you for sainthood.
This is EXACTLY how I feel!! I feel all tense just thinking about it! I love those two kids so much but they’re hyper and crazy and as much as I love his sister and her husband, they don’t exactly discipline them. They take your phone and play with it constantly, and last time we were there they were both going through my stuff and the 4 year old was playing with my makeup. I’m very “my stuff is my stuff” and I like my space. I’m so worried that I’ll end up snapping if I even attempt this!
Post # 7
@givemecouture: I don’t understand how you can even question whether you are being unreasonable. Just to clarify a few things: your BF and you agreed to split time between the two families and to stay in a hotel when you are visiting his family because of the space issues. THen, he goes behind your back, without discussing it with you first, and makes plans with his sister to 1)stay at her house 2) completely cut your family out of the picture for Christmas.
The space issues are sort of just personal preference. He doesn’t care if they are all crammed in, because it’s his family, but you do. But the fact that he just cut your family out of the picture for Christmas?? That’s…crazy. But the fact that you are considering just going along with it kind of blows my mind. My husband would never make plans like that without discussing it with me first, at which point, I would say “my family is equally important, so we will continue our plan of splitting our time off equally between the two families”. End of story.
Just curious….does your BF typically make plans behind your back, after you two have already agreed on something else, and you go along with it? Or is this a first?
Either way, you just politely tell your boyfriend that YOU won’t be spending 5 days at his sister’s house. YOU will be spending the originally agreed-on 3 days, then going to your family. He will be expected to do the same, or he will demonstrate to your family that he doesn’t care at all about them, which doesn’t bode well for a future marriage.
Post # 8
@givemecouture: Yep, no way would I agree to it. I personally wouldn’t do it for even 1 night, but that’s me. I need LOTS of personal space and peace and quiet. LOTS and LOTS. It would ruin Christmas for me, and I’m selfish enough to feel my needs and desires count just as much as anyone else’s.
Besides, doesn’t your SO want to be alone with you in the bedroom at night? He can go for 5 nights in a bed with you and be ok sharing the room with a toddler or two? Hmmmm.
My opinion is that your SO should consider how you feel about this above and beyond how his sister feels about it. He’s not in a romantic, committed relationship with his sister.
Post # 9
It’s a little crazy to force 6 adults to stay in a 1000 square foot house with only one bathroom. Tell your boyfriend you want to stick to the established plans, or that this year you might do the holidays separately with your own families.
Oof. Good luck!
Post # 10
Nope not at all. I’d frankly stick to the original plan of 3 days, AT A HOTEL and the rest of the days by your family. Set the precendent from now that your family is equally as important. He doesn’t sleep with his sister so why in the hell are her feelings more important than the woman he loves. GTHOH
Post # 11
We talked about it last night and he made me feel kind of bad about it… he said maybe we could consider one night in a hotel, but make it a fun one so that the kids can come hang out with us. But then he said it wouldn’t be worth the hassle his sister will give us if we do that.
I bought some super cute Christmas lingerie from VS and it’s definitely crossed my mind that with this arrangement I won’t be able to use it right around Christmas, lol.
Another dumb thing – my period is due right around Christmas and I get awful, mind numbing cramps. This is my first cycle back on birth control so I’m hoping they won’t be as bad but usually I can’t sleep for the first night because I’m in so much pain. I know that will just add to the whole “gonna lose my shit” feeling!
As for my family, I just feel terrible! They love my bf and want to spend time with us and they’re getting brushed off by him and his sister because there’s no kids in the family.
Post # 12
Um no you aren’t being unreasonable at all. Your bf needs to man up and tell his sister you’ll only be around for 3 days then go to your families. That is if he even wants to do this. He could be using it as an excuse to stay there longer. Either way, I say you spend 3 days there and move on to your family. If he doesn’t want to go – that’s a whole other issue and conversation to be had. I’d totally stay in a hotel even if he didn’t want to!
BTW we have a 2000 square foot townhome with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths and we rarely ever let people stay with us!
Post # 13
I would not compromise on not seeing my family for Christmas. The house vs. hotel thing, it sucks but you might need to get over it. I don’t know. I’d fight the family battle first!
Post # 14
You’re NOT crazy or stupid at ALL. I think it’s MORE than reasonable to do what you’re suggesting.
You actually sound a lot like my DH, and your BF sounds a lot like me…. let me explain. I’m such a people pleaser, and I have a habit of agreeing to things, even if it’s not what I initially thought I’d do. So if my mom guilts invites me to stay over an extra 2 days, I’m likely to say yes. But that was when I was single, and could ‘suck it up’ myself.
My DH, on the other hand, really needs his space. After a few days there, I can tell that he’s “off” and is really not enjoying himself anymore, because he just needs some down time in his own space. Out of respect for him, I try to cap our visits at 2 or 3 days. (For the record, my parents’ house is smaller than our own, and when we’re there, there are 5 people under the same roof – so I understand where he’s coming from!).
I’d recommend asking your BF to consider his priorities – and then show them. Personally, DH is my #1 and I want to make him happy above all else. After that, I strive to make all others around me happy. The best way to do this (I’ve found) is to have good, open communication between me and DH, and to then stick to it. I’ve gotten very good at not committing to plans before running it past him, because that’s where the most frustrating and difficult situations arise.
Good luck! I think you can see that we’re all behind you here. Hopefully you can get your BF to see your side too.
Post # 15
@MrsWBS: I’d totally stay in a hotel even if he didn’t want to!
You and me both. And I’d leave him to when its time to go by folks if he insists on staying.
Post # 16
i would be a bit upset that he made other plans without consulting you. tell him that you are very excited to see his family but the two of you had already agreed on the plans and that he needs to let his sister know what the plans are.
it would be completely unfair to disregard your family visit just to stay longer with his. totally unfair.
as for the sleeping arrangements, i would probably want to stay in a hotel too. it would be a lot more comfortable for everyone involved.
maybe as a compromise you can stay 1 night (christmas eve) at the house and the other 2 at a hotel.