(Closed) Telling a Bridesmaid to Step down

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Unfortunately, I don’t know what you should say. I am in the same position with one of mine, where I realize it will end the friendship and whatnot. In my case, I am leaning towards texting her cuz I know our friendship will be over either way, and I am too much of a coward to call.

Post # 4
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@BOSOX11:  I think you’ve made the right decision. Your “friend” sounds very selfish and like she’s only in the wedding for the trip to Hawaii. My thought is that this is the most special day of your life. The girls that stand beside you are there because they are supposed to support you as you enter into your marriage and I also see them as the girls that will help you stay strong in times of turmoil during your marriage. You don’t want someone that you already know you can’t count on. 

I would be honest with her, in the end, it’s better to tell her exactly why, rather than sugar coat it. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I know this wont be popular but honestly I don’t think this is entirely your BM’s fault. You talk about respect but from your post it doesn’t seem that you were being very repectful towards her either. Do I think the BM is not handling the situation well- yes but I also think you are not either.

1. Who told you she doesn’t get along with the other BM’s? Was it the other BM’s? Maybe she had a differing opinion on something and they are the ones b*tching about her?

2.Did she really lie? can you prove that or are you looking for an excuse to dump a friend? Maybe her boss did say she couldn’t have your b’day off but she pleaded with him when there was a little bit of extra motivation involved or pleaded with a colleague to switch shifts. Maybe she didn’t want to attend your b’day because all the otehr BM’s who hate her were there?

3. She may be ignoring your texts/emails if she feels overwhelmed and bombarded by them. I mean really a text or an email would be sufficient not both! I personally would roll my eyes at a friend if they did that to me. It comes down tot eh old saying that no one will be more interested in your wedding than you. She has a life and your wedding isn’t her number 1 priority (and nor should it).

4. You are complaining that she is excited about going to Hawaii for your wedding? It is a destination wedding so why shouldn’t she be excited about the destination! Maybe she has always wanted to go to Hawaii and your wedding is giving her the excuse to take the expensive trip. And unfortunately when you have a destination wedding you really should spend sometime with the people that make the expensive trip to come! They are after all spending their time and money to attend your wedding.

Do you try and talk to this BM about things other than your wedding?

Honestly you should take the wedding out of the equation and focus on your relationship with your long time friend.

Post # 9
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@BOSOX11:  You were disrespectful in the fact that you are calling her a liar without the full facts, that in one paragraph you call her an old friend that you get along great with but then say she is acting very self centred and dramatic. You also implied in your post that she was lacking in intelligence (facetopalm) when she was confused over an email link you sent. I know when I was sending possible wedding dress links to my mum and vice versa that often a different dress came up or a page of dresses.

It also sounds like you have written her off as a friend without even trying. Have you tried to go and see, tried to talk about anything non wedding realted, expressed concern the change in your relationship? To me if I am so close to someone that I ask them to be a BM I sure as heck have enough love and respect for them to try and sort out problems. You admitted that you don’t care whether she is at your wedding or not even though she has shown enthusiasm about going to Hawaii for your wedding (which I don’t think is about going on holiday or she could go anytime!).

As I said in my post maybe the guy being at your B’day party was the extra motivation she needed to go since it seems so many people who “hate her” were going to be there. I know I would be reluctant to go somewhere I felt no one liked me! And it was only a B’day party- sure it is nice if friends can come and it’s disappointing when they can’t but I think you need to let it go.

If you realised she was so bad at responding to text/email why didn’t you call her? Personally I would rather take one phone call than receive multiple emails/texts. Text/emails can be really cold and it is really hard to read/convey tone.

She isn’t required to contact you about other stuff to do with the wedding. Its great that other guests have but thats them- you can’t treat everyone with such broad strokes of a brush. She has expressed that she is excited about spending time with you and going to Hawaii. I personally was delighted everytime a guests told me how excited they were to visit such and such at my DW. I was happy that there were coming along and excited to see the sights. I also think you are condeming her before she does anything. Yes she may be going over early even if you have explained you will be busy but this doesn’t mean she will tag along and whine about everything. If you do happen to run into her you can just explain that you are off to an appointment and will see her later.

Honestly I struggle to understand how a long term friendship can be “over” because of the things you have mentioned. There has to be a reason why she has been your friend for all these years and it is disrespectful to just chuck that away without trying. As I said take the wedding out of the equation and think about this in terms your relationship with this girl. She may be having personal issues that she doesn’t want to share with you becasue she doesn’t want to be a downer during your planning/wedding. There could be a million reasons why your friendship has changed but you wont know the reason until you talk to her (and I mean face to face not in an email or text).

Post # 10
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, this girl sounds really selfish.  You are not being wrong or disrespectful by asking her to step down.  All she is doing/will do is stress you out even more on your wedding day.  There is no point in having someone in your wedding that you have to question why they’re even in it. 

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know EXACTLY how you feel because I had to deal with that dilemma just a few months ago. I had asked a girl who I was friends with for 7 years and we always had one of those friendships where even if we didn’t see each other all the time, we always picked up right where we left off.We were close during most of our friendship. Within the past 1.5 years, she started becoming very unreliable, flaky, taking forever to reply to things, not responding, etc. I had voiced my concerns about our friendship several times and honestly, I tried hard to save this friendship. Even though our friendship had clearly gone down the drain, I was still hopeful that we would be able to go back to the way we were, despite the warnings from others. My fiance actually objected to me asking her in the first place because he thought she was a terrible friend and person in general. After what I thought was a nice talk that cleared things up between us, I asked her to be a part of my bridal party, thinking her involvement in my wedding would bring us close again. Long story short, within a month, I found out that she had lied to me about something for months and showed no remorse for it. We had a conversation about it, and it didn’t end well. I was heart broken and devastated. I finally realized what everyone had known all along and I decided that I didn’t want her in my life anymore, let alone be a part of my wedding party! 

I waited 2 months after that bad conversation to contact her. Up until that moment, neither of us had contacted the other person. I thought about HOW and WHAT I would say to her and even consulted several friends about it. Some people said, “Leave it. If she doesn’t get an invite to your wedding, then it’s assumed that she’s not part of your wedding anymore.” My fiance told me not to waste any more time on this girl. I felt like I needed to bring closure this ordeal, and more importantly, to myself. 

I ended up e-mailing her, which is something that apparently she doesn’t like, but really, her feelings didn’t matter to me anymore. I wanted to get the message across to her with minimal contact. Although I really, and I mean REALLY wanted to say more in the e-mail, I decided not to because I didn’t want to waste any more energy on her. In the e-mail, I told her that we hadn’t spoken in a while and it was clear where our friendship stands. To avoid further arguements and feelings being hurt, it would be best if she wasn’t a part of my wedding party anymore. She never contacted me about it, but it is safe to say that we’re no longer friends. 

I thinking e-mailing her would be the best and non-confrontational approach. Texting would be too impersonal. I hope this helps. 

Post # 14
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

But the point is if she wants to step down she will. Pushing her to step down is just a backhanded way of dumping her.

As to the birthday party you said it yourself that most of the people there wouldn’t like her so why would she go? Maybe she thought that this guy liked her and would be friendly to her- why wouldn’t that be an incentive to go if she thoguht there might actually be someone there that wanted her there. I don’t think she was using you- she didn’t say hook me up with that guy and then not speak to you or thank you! She used a situation to her advantage which could be argued that you are doing- using the situation of a BM not doing exactly what you want to ditch a friend.

I really don’t see how she is halting your planning or controlling your wedding! You tell her the dress that was picked, where to order it  and when it needs to be ordered by and let her go forth and do it. You don’t need to collect her measurements, she is capable of going in and giving them to the dress shop. If she chooses not to do all that by the date then she has taken herself out of the wedding. If she makes a comment on a particular dress you should be polite and say thanks for that imput and when a dress decision has been made you let her know.

As I said in Hawaii you tell her again that you are busy and are unable to do such and such activities. I never mentioned that I thought you and your FI would have the Island to yourselves! That fact is though that Hawaii is a big place- most resorts are big places- on my honeymoon hubby spent over an hour looking for me at the hotels beach because there were so many people. The chances of running into someone are slim. I think you are making a big deal out of nothing.

If you read your original post the facepalm was in reference to her being confused about the email and the links and not in relation to her not responding.

As I said in my first post I don’t think the BM is being very mature either

As for the text/email well if that is they way you usually do it then wouldn’t she get the picture that it was serious if you actually went to talk to her about the problems in your relationship face to face?

As I said in my original post I don’t think the BM is being very mature either, but it takes two to have a relationship and disagreements like this are rarely only one sides fault.

I think there is more here than her just being a perceived bad bridesmaid. I think there are other reasons why you want to end the friendship and you are justing using this situation as an excuse so you don’t seem like the bad guy. If you want to end a friendship then just be honest and do it. And if you don’t want to end the friendship than be a friend and talk to this girl. Friendships should not be like tissues that you  dispose of once they get a little bit icky.

I don’t mean to be harsh but when you look back in 5 years, 10 years or 20 years and reread what you posted you need to be sure that you don’t regret your behaviour.

Post # 16
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@BOSOX11:  By forcing her to back down you are ending the friendship. How could you expect anyone to want to remain friends with someone who basically says I no longer value our friendship and want you out of my wedding? I keep having to repeat myself.

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