Telling a couple struggling with infertility?

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think it’s always best to just send a text or email ahead of time – that way, they don’t feel blindsided by a public announcement and they can have time to compose themselves before sending you congratulations. No need to make a huge deal about their struggles, but definitely give them a heads up via text/email. Something like, “hey, we just wanted you guys to be among the first to know that we are expecting. We’re going to announce it to the rest of the family at xyz. We love you and are thinking of you.”

Post # 4
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have 2 friends that are dealing with infertility. One, I see every 1-2 weeks and we talk a ton about getting pregnant. I ended up sending her a text saying I was sorry to text her but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to force feelings if I told her in person. I also told her right away as I didn’t want to be lying to her every time we hung out. She said she really appreciated me thinking of her and that it was all good. The other couple live far away and I also texted them. There wasn’t really a great opportunity so I just told her. I didn’t want her to find out on fb or something down the road. I’m all for the texting and explaining why you’d rather text.

Post # 5
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have a friend who is going into her second round of IVF this week and has been struggling for a few years now to get pregnant.  SHe has specifically requested that if any of her friends want to tell her they’re pregnant, that they send her an email or text.  That way she can process privately and if she needs to have time to deal with her jealousy or upset before she can be happy, then she can do so privately.   She had a friend still tell her face to face, and her reaction was to immediately burst into tears.  She was upset afterwards that her friend had ignored her request (even though they were just trying to be respectful).  Everyone wants to be happy for you when you announce you’re pregnant, but for those struggling, they just need time to process first.  I’d send your friend/cousin an email first…

Post # 6
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is it a couple you see often and are super close with? If not, I’d let it get to them through the grapevine. We only told parents/siblings/grandparents we were pregnant. Everyone else found out through other people.  Unless you’re planning some big public announcement in front of everyone, then I’d give them a heads up first.

Post # 7
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

 

MrsWBS:  I completey agree with you. 

I have a cousin who was trying for 3/4 years to get pregnant with her SO, we arn’t close I see her about once every two years. Me and SO weren’t trying and took precautions but here we are 18 weeks pregnant. We told grandparents, siblings, parents and closest friends. I let the said cousin find out through the grape vine, she did take it very badly since she and her siblings all deleted me off facebook and now completely blank me…. I stand by my choice, why would I “Rub” it in her face? Her reaction was down right pathetic, I understand that it was hard for her but we didnt get pregnant to spite her. 

At the end of the day you can’t beat yourself up for how people feel about yourr pregnancy, the fact your taking your familys feelings into consideration is caring and amdirable and you should be respected for that. I would either let them hear it through the grape vine or if your close send a text so they can adjust. <br /><br />

Congratulations x x

Post # 8
Member
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

As someone who is struggling to conceive, it really hurts when my MIL decides to talk about all her nieces or other family members who live across the country that are pregnant.  We usually see it on Facebook or something since we’re not close to these people and I am always very happy for others, but she does know our struggles so it really hurts to have her say “awww, did you see that so and so is pregnant!?”  Yes, no need to rub it in.  She desperately wants a grandchild, and at this point, we are her only hope.  I feel like she says it to “encourage” us to keep trying, when it’s really just making me feel worse.

So I would definitely appreciate a text/email ahead of time, to give me the chance to cry or react however I feel like I need to.

Post # 9
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ve been in your cousins’ shoes and I definitely agree with all the pp’s voting for giving her a heads up through email or text. Before we ended up getting pregnant, my SIL called my husband to let us know that they were expecting. I’m so incredible happy that she did it that way, I can’t even imagine how horrid it would have been over a family dinner or a meal in a restaurant. When you desperately want a child, but have no idea if it will happen, you are so frail and the last thing you want is to be put on the spot.

Post # 10
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Definitely let them know before hand. I had someone tell me while I was at work and I had to struggle to not cry and be devastated the ENTIRE day. (I’m a teacher. It was hard. And my kids noticed something was off and the little teenage monsters were actually really freaked out because normally I’m pretty damn cheery.) Don’t blindside someone in a public situation. It’s really not fun to deal with in any situation, but it downright sucks to have to deal with it in public. 

Post # 12
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yorkshirerose1991:  Wow, that’s absolutely ridiculous! Congrats by the way! I’m sorry they’ve had such a negative reaction. I totally understand taking others feelings into account and being sensitive, but at the same time you shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable sharing your happy news because others are suffering. It’s not your fault someone else can’t get pregnant and no one should take that out on you.

Post # 13
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

MrsWBS:  Thank you :)<br /><br />My best advice on this topic is enjoy your announcement as no one should take that joy away from you but at the same time respect other people emotions and give them a heads up. 

Post # 14
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have been the infertile in this situation and I only have two suggestions: do not tell them in person. They need to have he space to be happy for you/sad for themselves without feeling guilty if they aren’t 100% happy for you. Also, don’t let them hear it from someone else, make sure they hear it from you.

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