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This is a really sticky situation. Basically you asked her to be a BM before you were engaged...now you've had a fight, you're engaged, and you have to uninvite her. Normally I'd say you have to suck it up, but in this case...
She already has an idea that there's something amiss. She's asked if she's even still involved. (I hope your BM was tactful in answering that!) I would sit down face to face and tell her that the fight you had really hurt your feelings, and that while you are trying to put it behind you, you honestly haven't yet and that you don't feel that at this point you'd be comfortable including her in the bridal party. Keep in mind that this would put the nail in the coffin that is your relationship! As is always the case when uninviting a BM, you are closing the door on that relationship. So keep in mind she will be hurt, probably yell at you, and probably not want to come or speak to you again. But you can only be as nice as possible, keep a low even tone of voice, and tell her what you're thinking. The longer you wait, the more invested she'll be in the planning and the more upset that she's wasted her time. I say do it like a band-aid: quick!
I think you need to have a major talk with her, and not so much about whether she's a BM. You need to figure out where ya'll stand. You say she "went on pretending we were the best of friends," but how do you know she's pretending? If ya'll agreed to put it behind you, she may honestly feel like you've moved on. Different people handle things differently. I have a tendency to move on from things much faster than the average person, so I can see where I could wind up in her situation and not really know what's going on. Especially since ya'll are obviously not communicating as well as would be ideal.
It *sounds* like she's still trying very hard to be supportive and be there, but she's also clearly picking up on you not being so into it. Do her a favor and let her know how you feel. But I wouldn't just say "you're out" until you've talked it through. We don't know what was said in the fight, or why you're not able to forget or look at her the same, so we can't give too much advice. But I'd say we can all agree you need to talk to her, and you need to do it immediately. Good luck! i'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know it's tough.
I'm not trying to advocate lying but in this case, it might be an option to make the situation less awkward. Can you say that your FI is one guy short and you don't want to have an uneven bridal party, or maybe that you were guilted into adding a sister in law or cousin as a BM?
Again, it really depends on the specifics of the situation so I don't want to promote lying. But it seems like your friend is aware that something is amiss and I think she would be able to read between the lines for what is really going on but your polite excuse would allow her to save face and help you guys avoid confrontation. Hopefully, with time the ill feelings from this fight will fade and your friendship will get back to normal.
If you think this situation warrants an honest confrontation, I think I would just let her know that her friendship still means a lot to you but you were honestly very hurt by the fight and the things that she said and it's hard for you to be super close with her right now without feeling hurt and resentful again. Tell her that you very much would like to forgive her and work on the friendship and you think with time it will be okay but as of right now, it's a bit much to have her in your bridal party.
Good luck!
Thanks for the thought out advice.
Just to give you more info. I went to visit her in NY where she lives, I live in Boston. I wanted to go back to her apt at 1:30 after hanging out at a bar with friends but she wanted to go to a bar close to her apt. I asked her to take me to her apt first but she wouldn't so I reluctantly went with her to another bar. (I wanted to go to bed b/c I had driven there that day 4.5 hr drive) SO we went to the bar and she got mad at me for not ordering a drink and then when the bartender gave me some cherries I put the stems on the counter and she yelled at me for being disrespectful, rude and immature, later on she called me ridiculous for wanting to go home. There was no other place to put the stems so what the heck was I supposed to do with them! I calmly asked her if there was something behind her getting so upset like an underlying reason and she just said no, it's just because you're acting so immature. I have never had friend speak to me like that over something so trivial. I don't bombard her with insults about sleeping with a different guy every night! I was so insulted and when I made up with her I didn't say I forgave her I said let's be civil with each other and she took that to mean we're best friends again. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong, and neither do I. Because of our history as friends I would like to remain friends with her but just not good friends, it would also be awkward b/c we have the same circle of friends in Boston. As soon as I sent her a message saying I didn't want to be angry with each other anymore she started im-ing me and calling me like nothing happened and I guess I just didn't want to be rude and say it's not the same.
Anyways, I know it's complicated but thanks again for reading my post and responding!
This truely is a difficult situation. It seems really odd that she woud suddenly decide that you were so immature. It sounds like you have known her for an extended period of time and that she should know you well enough to not be upset by how you act. (Especially since it sounds like you weren't doing anything wrong).
It comes down to the fact that you haven't forgiven her and she has forgiven you. You really need to find out why she acted that way if you want to go on living your lives as usual. Since you have the same group of friends is it possible that one of them knows what was going on with her that night? Maybe an outside perspective will help you understand the situation.
I think you shoud get some advice from your mutual friends. Hopefully, they will shed some light on the situation. Then you should go and talk to her. Don't make it about the BM issue. Make it about your friendship. If you want to remain friends you need to remedy this situation.
Good Luck
Had she been drinking heavily when she yelled at you at the bar?
Telling someone they are not a bm is THE WORST THING EVER. My situation was a little different than yours (there was no fight, we are good friends-I just wanted a small party, I never said she was 'in', she just assuned.). Anyways, I got 2 more BM's out of it to avoid the situation.
I know that prob. doesn't help- but you are not alone!
She hadn't been drinking heavily... I've been considering adding her to the bridal party to avoid it but it doesn't seem fair because now there are a couple other girls I would want to add before I added her! I think I'm going to find it hard to say I know you have put the fight behind us but although I'm not angry anymore I just don't feel the same way. I think we're just different people now with different lifestyles. But that only seems to be a problem when I'm with her and her NY friends who are very different people from my friends. I have asked our mutual friends about it and she told them the same story I did for why she got mad. I just don't want another fight so I may just say I want to keep it small and that after the whole thing that happened between us I decided to have only my other friend in it (My BP consists of my sister, two cousins, my sister in-law and one friend). If she freaks out about it then I guess she's not the kind of person I want to be friends with.
That does seem strange. It also sounds like maybe you two are driftig apart because she is hanging out with a new group of people now, who are changing her a bit.
I get the impression she is very single. If that is the case, maybe she is feeling jealous that she isn't about to get married. OR she is concerned or annoyed thinking you are the one who is changing, becoming more "settled down", now that you are getting married. She wants to keep partying, you wanted to go home early.
Good luck, I'm sorry you had the fight with your friend. If you take her out of the BP, she might blow up and not speak to you again. And she might also se through a lie, like you are goingto keep it small. But you seem to be prepared for her to do that anyway. Move on the best way you can. Then enjoy your upcoming wedding.
I had to do it. It was awful. My story is long and drawn out but in the end, we stopped talking. Her attitude and the way she was treating not only me but Mr. Wonderful as well left me with no choice. I told her that she would not be in the wedding (and that I would have my sisters ONLY) and she flew off the handle! I didn't even invite her to the wedding. It truly was the WORST! I'm sorry for your situation, but do recommend that you face it and deal with it now. Having her in your wedding will put you on edge the entire day. No one needs that on their best day ever!
Good luck!
Just so everyone knows, I told her. I did it in a very nice way and told her I think we're just different but I still want to be good friends but I'm going to keep it to 5 girls and she could come to everything like the bridal shower and bachelorette party but she didn't have to buy a dress or stand up there. She was Surprisingly understanding thank goodness! She agreed that we were very different and had drifted apart a bit. She said if this was 4 years ago I would be pissed but I understand. We also agreed it would be easier this way since she lived far away it would be hard for her to attend some necessary things with her work schedule. We remain friends and she doesn't seem upset! Thanks to everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it!!!
I was in a very similar situation... the difference is that I was previously engaged, chose this girl as my MOH, broke off the engagement, she and I had a falling out then made up, then a year later I was engaged to someone else. I knew that she would probably expect that since I'd asked her to be my MOH previously, that she had the job this time too... only I didn't want it to be that way.
The way I approached it was to present to her a different task that I thought she'd be great at. She's very good at organization, so I asked her how she'd feel about being my day-of coordinator. She was kind of cold about it at first, taking in the fact that she was no longer MOH, but then after thinking it over, she came around. I still want to include her, but we're just not as close as we were previously, and I'd rather have someone else in that MOH role. Is there anything you could ask her to do to still be a part of the wedding, but in a lesser role?
Wedding aside you and she agreed to disagree. If now this is still bothering you and she is moving on you need to talk to her. I would suggest talking it over with her and moving from there in deciding if you want her in the bridal party.
Does she read the Bee? Maybe you can ask someone to hint to her to read this instead of having to talk to her since she isnt being reasonable! I had this kind of situation with my sister and she never said she was sorry or anything and just acted like oh well I was the one who was mad and I should have just gotten over it! But we arent really close and I didnt ask her to be a bridesmaid...she will be invited but wont be in it. I pretty much just deal with her for my moms sake and because I know my mom is going to invite her to the bridal shower and I didnt want things to be awkward at my bridal shower so we just went to her house party and she acted like no big thing! But i dont really talk to her that much...i called her for her birthday and she called me for mine and that was it! Being Civil is the best thing....just talk to her...if she doesnt understand then thats on her...at least she doesnt live in Boston any more!
I'm glad you talked to her and she seemed okay with how things where left...how lucky of you to have avoided the drama that could have resulted from that!
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So a few months ago I knew I was going to get engaged and I started planning my wedding in my head and on the knot. I already had a good idea of who my bridesmaids would be. I even told them that I would have them in the wedding. I was talking about it to my one friend about how I planned to include her. Not too long after we had a huge fight where she yelled at me for some pretty stupid things (like goofing around) that none of my other friends would have ever gotten mad about. We didn't talk for a month but finally just said let's agree to disagree and put it behind us. I don't feel the same towards her anymore but she went on pretending we were the best of friends after that. I still haven't forgotten what happened and don't see her as such a great friend anymore. When I got engaged she didn't say anything about being in the wedding but asked if she could plan my baachelorette party and told me how excited she was and that she needed to lose weight for my wedding and so on. I know she asked one of our mutual friends if she thought she was still in the wedding. I know I have to say SOMETHING to her but I don't know what to say. She still acts like she's my bestest friend and wants to help me plan the wedding but I really don't want her that involved.
What do I say!?