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You bees are going to flip out over this story... But, I want to share it to let others know it is OK to be non-traditional, and sometimes it is OK for the women to take control.
So, the BF and I have been chatting about marriage, and we both decided that yes, we would most likely want to marry each other. We talked about how we would see our wedding, etc. We have been living together for a few years now (both in our mid to late 20's).
I took it upon myself to pick out a ring, and purchase it. This is the year 2012, and I just didn't see why I had to wait and let the man buy the ring. If I did, I am sure I wouldn't get married for another 5 years, haha! Or, we would probably gert engaged without a ring. He just can't shop for anything. He can't even shop for himself most of the time.
I don't doubt his ability to commit to me. This just seemed right for our relationship. Plus, I also see this as a test for our relationship. In the future, I see myself being better with finances, and perhaps even making more money than my man.
I am not going to propose or anything, but I want to make the ring available to him so that he could propose whenever he liked, but have the ring ready if he wanted to do so. I am not pressuring him, because that would be counterproductive. He can wait as long as he likes. I just don't want the ability to buy a ring to stand in the way.
Also, he already has made very large purchases for me in the past, so I know he is willing to sacrifice a large portion of his money for me to symbolize his love and committment already.
Anyhow, so now comes the time when I have to tell him that I bought the ring. Will see what happens! But, he is non-traditional too, so I really don't think he will care.
I don't know about this. I just really hope you two are on the EXACT same page. He probably should have at least gone with you to buy it. I am all for the woman helping to buy the ring or even buy it herself if that is what she wants, but this situation seems a little different. I mean, did he even ask you to marry him?
Your comment about this being a "Test" makes me a little nervous. This type of thing is not something that should be used as a relationship tester.
You also said you talked and decided you would "most likely" want to marry each other. This doesn't seem like a definite, set in stone thing. You may scare him a little, just be prepared.
Seems a little risky. Maybe say, "How would you feel if I bought the ring? I know what I like and I don't need you to spend the money on me" ... and see what he says. He might not like the idea.... if so, you can return it :)
I definitely like to see women take control of their own situation, but this is coming off a tad pushy...
I hope he is totally on board and you two can start your wedding plans sooner rather than later.
While I did shop with my DH, he told me that buying an engagement ring was something he'd always dreamed about. And he's not a big shopping kind of guy either.
"We would most likely want to marry each other" is a risky premise to work off of.
"I just don't want the ability to buy a ring to stand in the way." you've already stated that he's made large purchases in the past. That doesn't make any sense to me.
but good luck!
I'm all for non-tradition, too. I asked my FI to marry me and then a month later found a ring I liked and bought it since he was a starving college student at the time. However, we were both 100% on the same page when said ring was purchased. I echo PP's cautions that if he isn't in the same mindframe as you, this could be a very dangerous thing to do.
A lot of guys are *really* into the idea of buying the ring and proposing. Even if they don't like shopping most of the time... an engagement ring is kind of a whole other thing. I just hope that A) he isn't disappointed and B) he doesn't feel panicked/pressured. You said you won't pressure him, but he may well interpret this as pressure (especially since you yourself said it was a sort of "test").
I am glad that you are an empowered woman! I love that you are proactive and driven. I'm also a little more organized with finances and am the bigger-bread-winner in our home.
That said, it seems like you are having trouble trusting your boyfriend to make big decisions. Surmising that he doesn't have the capability to shop and needing to test the relationship with a ring make me wary that he might not agree with your choice.
I understand that you only want to take the burden of the purchase off of his hands and to let him do it whenever he wants, but it seems a little too pragmatic to me.
I am not sure about this either....It's like you took away the opportunity for him to look for and purchase a ring for you. Now he will not have that experience that most men get to have. I know you said he doesn't like to shop, but htis isn't just about shopping, it the part of the whole proposal experience.
Obviously I don't know him and you do, but from and outside prospective this is my take on it.
Good luck and keep us posted!
If he made a large purchase for you in the past I don't see why he couldn't have done it this time. Have you given it to him? I am really curious as to what his reaction was/will be
Hmm I don't know what to think about this! My first response is: Good for you! If you know what you want and don't feel the need to "wait" around for him to buy it and know he won't mind, good for you for purchasing it.
I just hope he is as non-traditional as you say, because otherwise he may take it as you taking away part of his "masculinity," or his special opportunity to buy the ring. Maybe it would've been better to openly look at rings together and then buy it? Either way, hopefully it all turns out well! Congrats on buying a ring!
"the BF and I have been chatting about marriage, and we both decided that yes, we would most likely want to marry each other"
This doesn't sound to me like he is ready to have a ring in the picture yet. "Most likely" isn't the most convincing of terms.
Plus, as PPs have said, many men who don't shop normally love having the experience of shopping for and choosing the ring for the one they love. You've just taken that opportunity away from him without even knowing his thoughts on the matter.
Hope it works out how you expect.
I think this could work, but not for every relationship. I hope that he sees this the same way you do!
My FI and I shopped for my engagement ring together, so we both had input. It was a really fun and romantic experience for us!
Good for you! Most of our guys were in the same position that you are in. (Not mine, he knew I wanted to get married like yesterday) There is no rule that says he has to take the risk, not you. Good luck, and I hope you get a yes!
I dont understand why you bought the ring before telling him. Atleast if you discussed it first and he was okay with it, it wouldnt feel like he was being ambushed.
Definitely interested to hear how he reacts to this. Like PPs said, it seems like you "most likely" wanting to marry each other isn't the best premise for purchasing a ring... Then again, we only know what you have told us -- maybe he will be totally fine with it!
Good luck + make sure you come back to update :)
Unless you're going to propose to him, I don't think I like this idea. It sounds like an ultimatum or a form of guilt trip on him (and a really unhealthy test). Like, I spent all this money on a ring, now you HAVE to propose or I'll look bad/feel bad/be out of money. That and I would feel like I had my balls cut off if I was a man and this happened to me. It's not the tradition that would upset me, it's how major life decisions were being controlled by someone else. This is something that should have been done together at least. You could have told him you would go pick it out and tell him what you want and where to go, and even financially contribute to the ring, but buying it outright just seems sneaky.
That and there's the whole saying about if a man really wants something, he'll do anything to have it. He doesn't need a fancy ring to propose to you, etc., etc.. My friend's engagement ring was made of bamboo. If a man wants to marry a woman, it's a very simple thing for him to do. He just needs to tell her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, he loves her, and ask her to marry him. If he makes excuses, he's not ready or certain he wants to get engaged.
@ChickN: YOWZERS on so many levels. Please don't take offense I am just tyring to get a better understanding.
"we both decided that yes, we would most likely want to marry each other." Are you sure that you both are 100% on the same page with EVERY aspect of this?
"...If I did, I am sure I wouldn't get married for another 5 years, haha! "but then you follow-up and say I don't doubt his ability to commit to me. Are you sure?
"I am not pressuring him, because that would be counterproductive. No one here knows your relationship and your SO better than you. So this may work for your relationship. but If you love him and you really trust him, do realize that he MAY take this as pressure. Even if it's not what you intended, their minds work differently than ours. So what you may perceive as not applying pressure,he may very well perceive as just that. At which point I assume you two will just work through everything.
What if ihe is okay with you buying the ring but decides that he is just not ready right now? How will you respond, considering you said "He can wait as long as he likes."
This sounds like it could go either way. I agree that the men don't need to be the ones to buy the ring (I put some money towards my ring technically as I traded in an old piece of jewelry) but I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to be taken aback/his pride to be hurt a tiny bit.
I would probably try and feel him out on this a bit more before telling him that you have it. You need to make sure that he is 100% on board with getting married in the near future (not five years down the road - or I fear you are going to come off as a bit crazy) and see how he would feel about you picking out your own ring or contributing money towards it. If he is totally okay with all of those things, you can give him the ring that you bought but I would think he would at least be taken aback since it is very unconventional.
@MademoiselleL: This sounds like it could go either way <--- agreed.
I know it's the year 2012 and non tradition is good, but I feel as though this is one area where breaking tradition is not always accepted. I hope he takes it well and does not see it as pushy. Maybe before you give it to him, you can test the waters and ask, 'how would you feel if I bought a ring?'. If he is totally opposed, you might want to re consider giving it to him.
I know for a lot of us on the Bee, our FI's wanted us to be an active part in picking out and designing our rings. This is something we have all said is a special time, so maybe you can express to him (when he is ready) that you want to be part of it, instead of taking over his job. If you think of it, the only part of the wedding process the male can have total control over is the ering! I think this means more to most men than we know.
I agree with the other girls. My fiance and I are non tradtional but he REALLY wanted the whole proposal and ring thing to himself. I eventually got him to let me go for the ring shopping... but I had no say. We actually both fell in love with the same ring and it was perfect.
If I would have taken that away from him he probably wouldn't have ever proposed because he wouldn't feel good enough I guess. I would ask him a little more how he feels before telling him just to be safe.
But I do think it's great if you are sure it's good for both of you! Way to take charge :)
Am I the only one curious how much you spent on a ring? Is this a traditional e ring, or a vintage or other type of ring that you found that could be worn as a right hand ring?
Ditto to the comments about him feeling like his moment/part of the experiencehas been taken away.
Hun, its GREAT that you took this step but maybe it would have been best if he hadd already proposed or talked to you about not affording to get you a ring.. then perhaps you could have offered to buy your own ring.. Heres the thing.. now that you bought the ring and have it stored basically for whenever hes ready, your giong to be SO anxious, and unintentionally pushy. what if he doesnt propose in the next 2 years? wouldnt u feel that its not making any sense since the ring is available? It might cause more problems then you thought.. I know you came on here looking for support and Im sure everyone here applauds your strong step ! Kudos! but I think a talk to see if you guys are on the same page and how he felt if you purchased a ring would be before you went off and bought it.
Echoing everyone else's thoughts... I think you should have talked to him first...
Let us know how it goes!
If this works for you two that is fantastic! Every relationship is different and that's a wonderful thing! Good luck :)
I hope you come back with an update, I'm interested in hearing his reaction when you told him you bought an engagement ring for yourself.
I'm all for the woman at least having a say in the whole engagement process, but this seems a bit over the top. You said you didn't want him to feel pressured, but he might interpret the presentation of a ring as pressure in and of itself. How would he (or any guy) possibly feel like he could wait until he was truly ready, which may be months or years, when his girlfriend had spent a lot of money on a ring and given it to him to propose with? It seems like he would definitely have no other choice but to propose OR hurt your feelings, even if you told him it didn't matter.
From what you wrote, it seems like the two of you have talked some, but not enough, about the future. You seem to have ASSUMED that the potential roadblock to engagement would be his inability to purchase a ring, but perhaps that's not it at all, perhaps he just isn't ready or isn't 100% sure that he wants to marry you. If that's the case, he might just plain feel bad about the situation.
Even if he does want to get married and wants to marry you, you've ASSUMED he won't want to shop for the ring. Unless he had outright told you "Hey I really want to marry you but can't afford the ring" I'd say you have taken a big risk and set yourself up for a big disappointment. Most guys seem to enjoy being able to pick out the ring, or at least pick out the ring as a couple, not just have it handed to them!
Personally, if I were in your position and I were worried about my guy not proposing because he didn't want to shop for a ring, I'd sit him down and point blank ask if he wanted to marry me, and if so, could we look at rings together.
I don't know about this...I hope for your sake it doesn't backfire big time, but I really am curious to hear how it goes/went!
I want to see your update! Hope it works out for you! I know if I had taken the proposal part out of the equation for my husband it would have had a big negative impact on us getting married. That was something he really enjoyed and was special to him.
Pretty much what FutureKMM said!
I think this could go either way, it really depends on your relationship and communication styles. As much as I sometimes want to go out and buy the ring and take control, I could never take something like this away from my SO without discussing it first. Him and I are a team and make big decisions together as a team, especially when it's something that means a lot to him. That's just how we work as a couple though, this may make way more sense in your relationship dynamic.
I just hope that your SO didn't have his heart set on picking out and purchasing the ring (: Good luck and let us know how it goes! I'm also really curious about the ring stats/price if you're comfortable sharing (:
Hmm... I guess I think it's funny that you bought yourself a ring. Why didn't you buy one for him instead? I think it's awesome to be nontraditional, but it seems like you're just trying to get something traditional (a ring, a proposal) for yourself in a nontraditional way. And maybe forcing it? I just don't see the point.
I think a lot of posters are being quite unfair to the OP. If the situation was reversed and she was a guy, I don't think anyone would blink twice. I honestly think that this is pretty cool and am very interested to hear how everything turns out!
I would just be concerned that he will feel pressured now and it'll backfire.
@trailmix: I think guys who run out and buy a ring when they aren't sure she is 100% ready are asking for trouble, too. The context of the situation is key - it's not as if he's totally on board, wants to get married and the only thing stopping him from asking is the funds for a ring. She assumed an AWFUL lot about what he does and doesn't want and purchased this ring as a self-professed "test" of their relationship. Male or female, that is not healthy relationship behavior, imo.
@jocember: I completely agree. If a guy had written this post and said the same things, that he and his SO had agreed they "most likely" wanted to marry each other, but that he felt she was procrastinating on getting engaged for one reason or another, and that this would be a good "test", I'd give the same advice. I'd say, either don't buy a ring or don't propose or suggest engagement until you have sat down with your SO and talked more definitely about whether this is 100% what both want. It's risky to make these assumptions, male or female!
ETA: Also, what if, rather than proposing, a guy went out and spent a lot of money on a ring, and then told his SO he had the ring, and she could decide when she was ready to be proposed to...either way...it's definite pressure for the situation!
I chose my ring, and while I didn't contribute financially, I did order it with him (as in, he was sitting next to me) because he wanted to be sure I got exactly what I wanted. He really didn't want to do anything without discussing it with me first and he knew that it would be a really sentimental item, so he wanted to be 100% sure it was my dream ring. We're both starving students, so I chose an inexpensive Moissanite ring (it was $590). We're both extremely happy with it.
I think buying the ring yourself feels a tiny bit controlling and it really should have been something you two discussed together first. I am huge on discussing things and communication. A lot of issues stem from simply not talking about things together.
Proceed with caution, that's my vote. I don't mean to offend, by the way. This is merely my opinion, I am not in your situation and no one but you can make this call. But you asked our opinion...so I'm answering.
WOW, I'm sorry but most men would think this reeks of desperation! You could have most DEFINITELY had this conversation without actually making a purchase! Having made this purchase BEFORE consulting him seems a bit controlling of a situation most men like to have some involvement in. You stated "2012 is the year"... ok, or what? It might be the year for YOU, but if it's NOT the year for him, are you prepared for that?
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