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I think you shouldn't try to hide your ring, and when it comes up it comes up. I am speaking from no experience of course, but it sounds like you have a midly working relationship with your ex for the sake of your daughter, so just let it lie and see what happens.
Also Congrats!
I had a similar situation. No divorce but my son was almost three when my fiance and I got engaged. However Myself and his dad (my ex) have an okay relationship. It was just better to have one less thing to worry about and tell then it to slip and him get upset, for whatever stupid reason. I say just go for it. It's your choice!
Another person of no experience here, but I would recommend being really casual about it. I wouldn't bring it up exactly, but I definitely wouldn't try to hide it. At some point, he should know, since this will affect his daughter, but I don't think you need like a deep heart-to-heart about it. My comment actually isn't very helpful at all. sorry! And good luck :)
'm sure some of the encore brides will have better suggestions out of experience, but as an outsider, here's what I think:
Honestly, if your daughter is old enough to say anything about it I think you should tell him yourself, sooner rather than later. Maybe just tell him you're getting married in a little over a year, but that you want him to know this doesn't affect your arrangement.
I'd recommend telling him sooner rather than later.
The longer you keep it from him the angrier he's likely to be when he finds out, and it would be terrible if he decided to make things difficult for you and your daughter during the immediate run-up to the wedding.
Maybe take your fiance with you the next time you drop off your daughter and tell you ex then? That way you have immediate back up if things get heated.
I also don't have experience with this, but I do agree that it's probably smart to tell him sooner rather than later. If I were in your shoes, I'd want him to hear it through me and not my daughter, because who knows what his reaction will be, and I'd rather him react on me and not my daughter. While I don't have experience with that exactly, I did have an ex of 7 1/2 years who had proposed to me that I decided to tell that I'm now engaged, because I felt it would be best coming from me and not someone else, so I do know it's not easy.
Tell him directly, when you're not with your daughter. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it might turn into one if you don't tell him.
Thanks for the advice! I'm not worried at all about how he'll react. He's a habitual liar so no matter what he's feeling he'll act like it's cool. I think I have this irrational fear that he'll get his lawyer involved and they'll try to re-write our agreement or something. :)
In the last year we have talked on the phone twice. Otherwise we keep it strictly to email communication. What do y'all think of taking the chickens*&t route and emailing him?
-Mona
Not to scare you, but I wouldn't say that it's an irrational fear.
Even if he reacts calmly, you don't know whether he's seething inside and thinking of ways to "get back at you" using your custody or alimony arrangements.
Don't tell him over e-mail. A conversation will always be a case of he-said, she-said, but you can't argue against a papertrail.
Don't hide your ring. Tell him. It is best to tell him face-to-face. Maybe during one of the exchanges, you can casually mention it. You don't have to make a huge deal out of it. And again, kids talk A LOT. He probably already knows or suspects.
So...as a single mom of a 12 yeard old I will give you my perspective...tell him now so that you will have time to deal with the blow-up when it comes.
My daughter's father and I ended our relationship when my daughter was a little over a year old. He has since married and has been married for at least 5 or 6 years now. He only sees my daughter maybe 2 or 3 weeks out of the year. He lives in KY, I live in NC. I let him know that I was engaged and planning on moving and at the time it seemed like it was cool....guess what happened about 3 months after I told him.
The sheriff came banging on my door early one Saturday morning to issue me a subpoena for family court. This buster who only sees our child maybe 14 days out of 365 wanted joint custody.
In the end it worked out b/c I got a lawyer as well and he actually ended up with less custody than he had before (I have sole custody...as always) b/c the judge saw through his antics...but it was a big headache that I am glad I had the opportunity to deal with early on.
My ex is a very controlling man. In the beginning he was also immediately with a girlfriend and he was literally EVIL during the divorce b/c my state does recognize fault.
He got about 30 percent custody with having my son every other weekend for 3-4 days so it was about eight days a month. he did that only so he couldn't pay more CS or alimony (which was far less than what I should have gotten as he lied to the courts on documents and had his company verify that false information).
anyhow, it's about control for these types of men. It is just that. Like what happened to Jamaica Bride for instance.
My ex has been remarried for five years and was remarried the day after our divorce was final and the new years' holiday was over. Yea, that's what happened. And yet somehow this man called me last week and said he was going to have his attorney pull T's divorce decree and get the "truth" out of it because he was wondering something about him. Alluding to doing something legally.
I totally laughed at my ex. I said "do you know where you're calling from? Do you know I have full custody now?" (let's just say my ex is in a world of trouble ok).
He totally backed off. But then again things have been different for several years now.
Talk about this situation with your FI. You need to be strong right now and so does he. He needs to support you 100 percent and stand by your side in case your ex does the "crazy controller" thing too. But let's hope this guy doesn't. Family courts and experienced judges can see thru this crap. He (your ex) could wind up with less visitation and pay more, just like Jamaica Brides' crazy ex did.
My guy is 100 percent on board with me. He's been to every birthday party and every joint event where the ex will be there and let's say my ex had dramatically backed off over the last 2 years when he knows that there is somebody else in the picture on my side too..and somebody just as big, and smarter than him he'd have to deal with rather than pick on a woman half his size.
Hugs and many many hugs to all here who have gone thru this. You can get thru it! I did. I'm so happy I stood up to the big bully in my life..the man who was once my husband,.
Thanks for everyone's advice and sharing your own situations! This really helps.
And teaandtoast I totally agree about the email thing. When I started thinking about it I definitely don't want anything written..just in case. :)
I haven't decided yet when I'm going to tell him but I definitely will let him know in person or on the phone. I'm sure it will be way better than I think it is. I'm a total worse case scenario girl so I'm envisioning the absolute worst. Once I do it I'm sure I will be glad I got it over with.
-mona
Envision the best. After all the ex's did move on. Let's cross our fingers and hope they're REALLY moved on and that they'd just be darn happy for us.
I just know my ex won't be at the wedding. And the beauty of that statement is he can't! Seriously can't! I've had full custody for over a year now and he's well.."otherwise engaged" for quite some time. Won't go into detail, but he goofed up majorly for the last time.
Expect the best but know you're not alone in case he acts bully-ish. We're here for you! And so is your wonderful FI!
My ex and I are on pretty decent terms. So after I got engaged, I called him and told him because I thought it would be worse if he heard it drom someone else (our 6 year old daughter) or saw it on facebook or something. I thought of it as a courtesy. However our divorce was very amicable and not messy so I may have handled it differently if it had been. But the funny thing was my ex' reaction: "well, will I be invited?". Um no.
@belle - you crack me up... hehe
I didn't call my ex and tell him, but my kids did. They were SO excited. ( They just turned 8 & 9)
He gets them every other weekend and unfortunately the kids get LOTS of questions about me. It was worse before, but now he's married. I wear my ring with pride.
when i told my daughters father, it went so well.
not the other way around when fi told his ex wife.............. but it was a good thing he did. she had been putting their daughter in the middle drilling her with questions ever since she heard a rumor that we were engaged. that is not the place for a five year old to be.
she is an awful woman who is so rude and just plain evil to us since she found out.......... even though she herself is remarried with a child with her new husband.
i guess it just depends on the situation.
my advice is to stay strong, be honest and up front and be proud of your engagement with everyone. you will reapect yourself more that way, it will give your ex more time to digest the news, and most importantly it keeps children from being middle men.
good luck.
If you're already living with your FI, being engaged would if anything strengthen your case for custody. But I agree with the others--if he hears it first from your daughter, it's going to be a lot worse than if he first hears it from you.
Of course, by the time NotFroofy and I got engaged, my ex's first reaction was along the lines of, "We'd been wondering when you were going to get around to that."
I don't have any experience in this area, but I think it would be best to handle the situation in the same respect that you would like it handled if the shoe were on the other foot. I'm sure if your ex were getting married, you would appreciate a personal heads up from him.
The original post is a little old, so maybe you've gotten your answer already, but here's what I did.
Similar divorce situation, minus the expensive attorneys. Mine was helped when he decided to move several states away.
When FI and I started dating I told Ex at the first opportunity that DD would be meeting him. Ex didn't call often, but his first call after DD met FI I told him. When FI and I decided to move in together I actually sought Ex out to tell him. I figured he deserved enough notice to try and stop it. . . not that he had the money for attornies. In May Ex moved back and visitation started back up, so now I see him regularly. In November FI proposed. I didn't see how this (very pretty) ring changed anyting for DD. We're still living with FI, so nothing really changes. I didn't see the point in telling him. I figured DD might tell him on her next visit.
For other reasons my mom had to drop DD off on her next visit and let the cat out of the bag. Ex was upset that I hadn't told him and asked me why. In the nicest way possible I explained that the engagement doesn't change anything for DD. I went on to say that I had told all my friends and family and he didn't really fit in either group.
And that was it. When we get closer to the actual wedding date I might have a chat with him about it, but I really don't even see that changing anything for DD. We'll still live with FI, but she might call him dad instead of by his first name.
That is actually a tough one... my fiance's ex is pregnant, and she is due in January. We are a new couple, but we know exactly what we want out of the relationship... each other, love, support, commitment. We have decided to wait until after his son is born so there won't be any complications during her pregnancy. That is the last thing I want, is for something to go wrong. I don't want her to go under any stress. My friends tell me that I am not normal, because of the way that I handle the situation with his ex. I just want everyone happy and healthy. A healthy attitude is a happy spirit.
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Hi ladies-
I could use some advice from divorced women with children. My daughter is 3 1/2 and her dad and I separated when she was about a year and a half. The divorce began VERY amicably and then turned VERY ugly, with him hiring a very expensive lawyer (his mommy and daddy are very wealthy and got involved) and kicking my ass financially AND getting joint custody. We live in a no fault state so the fact that he had a girlfriend was irrelevant.
He has 50/50 custody but is so 'busy' with work that he really only sees his daughter 25% of the time. He's not a bad father, just kind of a half assed one. You know, dinner at McDonalds and lots of televison.
I recently got engaged and am not sure if/when I should tell him I'm getting married. We're not doing the deed until 2011 and he knows I'm living with my fiance. I am so uncomfortable with him knowing that I find myself hiding my left hand when we exchange our daughter. I'm thinking of telling him when the wedding is closer (maybe a few months before??) but otherwise just letting him find out on his own.
Any thoughts? Anyone else have to do this? I'm sure my daughter has said little things here and there to him since she talks about wedding dresses and stuff.
Thanks
-mona