Post # 1
New to the board, and I know it’s been discussed before, but no harm in an updated discussion.
My FI and I are planning our encore wedding for the both of us and budget is a big concern. We want to keep things small, which means limiting guests. My family isn’t as big, and not as close, so saying no to cousins and even Aunts and Uncles isn’t too tough for me. But my FI family is close and is used to inviting everyone to everything.
She is stressing about telling certain family no, and other they are invited. I have told her to just explain that we have a budget and if they cared about you they would understand and not take it personally. Of course her Mom and Sister reinforce that she “has to invite” this family member or another…easy to say when you aren’t paying or planning.
Anyway, how do you guys handle this? What is the best way to tell family or friends with out them getting bitter? Have you ever had to deal with a bitter non-invite? Did it change your opinion of them? How long did it take them to “get over it”?
Post # 3
Ughhhhh the dreaded guest list:) Can the venue size be a help at all? MY FI’s mom wanted to invite everyone she’s ever met and we were able to say that the venue only held X number of people so we needed to start cutting the lists down.
If the venue can’t help, you might try putting other perameters on the list (time since you’ve seen or talked to family member, how close you feel, etc).
It’s important to remember that usually the reason families want EVERYONE invited is because they’re so excited about the marriage- so even if the conversation doesn’t go well, remember that it could be worse…. they could not want ANYONE to know about the wedding/be invited:)
Post # 4
The other way is to make a standard rule, like only Aunts and Uncles so if someone happens to be a cousin or some other relation, you can just say you are sorry, but that was the line you had to draw due to venue and budget constraints.
Post # 5
I was worried about this, myself, as we want a small (50 or less) wedding and I’ve got too much family for that under normal circumstances (and the aunts and cousins are all on Mom’s side and live in a small town: invite one and not another and it’s hurt feelings all around).
We put a rule into place: Immediate family and friends, only. And when I mentioned it in passing to Mom the other day she didn’t even flinch so I got off easy.
But it will help, later on down the line, if someone asks (via Facebook or calls Mom) to be able to say “It’s a small wedding, just immediate family and friends.”
So I’d suggest you place a line at some level of the family tree and not deviate from it.
Post # 6
I am have a very similar situation. I grew up out of state, since everyone one came to the first go round it was very easy for me to tell everyone one it really is going to be a very tiny wedding – 25 guests. Our children, the spouses, girl friends etc , my parents and the bible study class where we met (15 people). he on the other hand grew up here and has never left the area. Last year for his birthday we had a party and ONLY family on his side was invited -84 people!! His parent are no longer alive so we said kids and the people who, in a way, introduced at the bible study. So far so one has said anything, at least not to our faces. The chapel where we are getting married has only seats for 12, standing room for 30. So we simply tell people we are having a very small wedding the chapel only sits 12 and don’t go any further. We are also not doing a dinner or dance, just cake and wine. So we also add that the whole thing will probably last about 2 hours tops, which is true. So bascially i am using the venue to our advantage – BIG TIME!
Post # 7
We are also keeping our wedding size small. The issue isn’t with his family- it is with mine… I am simply telling folks that we are have a very small wedding since we are an encore couple.
Post # 8
I wish I could make it open to all of my family (his family is very small) but we just can’t afford it. Unfortunately, our families are scattered far and wide, so it’s not like I could even have a casual family potluck picnic to make up for not inviting people to the ceremony. But if everyone kind of lived in the general area- that’s what I would do- I’d have everyone get together on a summer afternoon at the park and everyone bring a dish to pass.