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Are you certain that it will be a surprise to your Grandma? She might have caught on already but didn't bring it up because you haven't mentioned it. Do you think she would have a negative reaction? Sometimes we tend to think older people will automatically be more conservative, but she might just tell you to follow your heart.
I think it is probably best to tell her in person. If you write a letter you are going ot be stressing out like crazy and eventually you'll have to see her in person and get the reaction first hand. You may as well do it in one go, in my opinion. And once you come out to her, I bet you'll feel like a great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Good luck :)
@jacinda10: Are you sure she doesn't already know and is waiting for you to tell her yourself? I think that she possibly would be more hurt to find out from a letter than from your own lips. I waited for years to come out as bi-sexual to my parents and my mom admitted they knew the entire time, they were just waiting for me to announce it. It was actually the same for quite a few of my LGBTQ friends who had been in relationships for a long time and had brought their partner around but was not overtly affectionate or gave any other indication as to a romantic relationship. That's just my thoughts though, I know it's a very hard thing to do.
I think she DOESN'T know, because a distant cousin asked some of my closer cousins infront of my Gramma, something along the lines of "SO, Jacinda and Amanda... are they like 'together' ?" and my Grandma blurted out "They aren't GAY if thats what you're asking!"
So I don't think she knows. Maybe she does and is in denial. She outwardly talks about not liking blacks, Jews and gays (and I already converted to Judaism 4 years ago.... I think I'm one adoption of an african baby away from being written out of the will).
This just sucks - I guess you all are right about doing it in person is a better idea. Its just hard, all this fun fun fun wedding planning and this really rains on my parade.
Hi,
So has your gran ever said anything that would make you think she would react negatively? Just because she is of 'that' generation does not mean she holds those views.
My gran is 94 next week and is more open minded and liberal than half the 20 somethings I know today.
Honestly if she wants you to be happy then she will be happy for you. Plus if she knows your partner and likes her and sees how happy she makes you then I think she will be accepting. Just give her some time to take it in.
Personally I think you should tell her over the phone, or go and see her, that way she can talk to you and ask questions and clarify points she may not understand. Whereas the written word can be taken the wrong way and she may get confused and then not know how to approach you to clear it up.
It will be daunting and as I mentioned above give her a moment to absord it as she is in her 80s. But if you have a strong relationship with her then I think you will be fine.
And if she behaves negatively then atleast you will have treated her with respect and given her a chance to be accepting, and from then on you would know where she stands in her relationship with you and your partner.
GL and congratulations!! :)
@jacinda10: It probably is better to do it now though, instead of her realizing at the wedding that it's actually between two women instead of a "traditional" one and freaking out in public. I hope that she will remember first her love for you and let that override her prejudices, but I know that this doesn't always happen :( I am hoping for the best for you! If you need support, we are here!
I'm sorry. I know people say you should have the discussion face-to-face, but it's hard enough for someone to do and open themselves up to ridicule from someone they love. I would do whatever you are comfortable with. If it's a hand-written letter, in person, a phone call -whatever you feel is best.
My FI sent her grandmother our save the date w/o even talking to her about it (that was her decision). We figure we're acting like we're a "normal" couple; if other people have their blinders on or are going to make a big deal about it, that's not our problem. She still hasn't heard back from her grandmother though.
I really think it doesn't matter much how you come out to someone. If they love and accept you, they'll love and accept you if you say it in person or in a letter. If they are going to have a problem, they'll have a problem regardless.
@bellagio: I felt the same as you - my gramma is so old, that I don't really think I'm going to have to deal with her reaction for the rest of my life if you know what I mean.
I honestly feel comfortable with the letter. I think I'm going to write a few practice ones and see.
@jacinda10: I agree with the letter. My Grandmother was pretty prejudicial and racist but would deny that if ever called on it. However, she also had gay friends, due to being active in her homeowner's association group and meeting people from the neighborhood. On the other hand, when it was suggested to her that her beloved Aunt who was very fond of her as a child was indeed a lesbian, she FLIPPED out and got really angry at the suggestion, insisting that the woman that her Aunt lived with for a decade was "her very good friend and that was IT". Everyone in the family knows better but she wouldn't hear of it. It was kind of crazy.. the Aunt in question was totally BUTCH, even way back then.. I've seen the pics! But nope, my Grandma wouldn't entertain the thought for one second.
Anyway, I didn't tell my Grandmother, because she had Alzheimer's during the final 8 or 9 years of her life and the last time she was "clear" in thought, I was splitting with, but still married to my ex ! So for the longest time when I saw her she'd ask me where my husband was, and when I brought my wife around (then girlfriend) she just thought she was my friend. And sometimes she referred to her as "That little Mexican boy who is so sweet and always brings me coffee.." ;)
I saw no point in telling her because she'd forget by the time we saw her next! But that's a very different situation, and if the Alzheimer's wouldn't have been a factor, I would have told her for sure.. but it would NOT have been easy!
Did you end up writing the letter? Let us know how it goes, and good luck! I hope she surprises you and is open minded.
I know this is super old, but I thought I'd give it a shot. Did you tell ever tell her? I wonder this about my own grandma and I am in a very similar situation.
@Cupcake2012: I did, and she says she doesn't think I'm gay. You know, because I have long hair and wear makeup. She said if I was really gay then one of us would be "the boy" in the relationship. She's 86.
I doubt she will come to our wedding. She told my Aunt "its weird" and "it's going to be trashy " (we're having a black tie wedding....) It sucks, but shes 86. She's not going to change.
@eagle: Wow, I am sorry to hear that. :( I fear mine will feel the same. However my mom is very unsupportive so I kind of don't care at this point . . .sigh . .Anyway thank you very much for sharing. I appreciate it a lot!
@eagle: This is old and I just read through, but your grandma would really hate my sister's GF then! She's a black lesbian who will probably be converting to Judaism when she and my sister get married!
I'm really sorry she won't be coming to your wedding, but hopefully you have the rest of the family's support!
Thanks. My other family is fine.
And I already converted to Judaism a couple years ago. She is Catholic and didn't like that much either ha ha!
@eagle: I wish I could "like" your reply. Maybe she'll come around--it took my family a couple years, but we've made progress! I got a "For a Special Couple" Christmas card in the mail from my Grammy yesterday.
@Carnival_Bride: Well that is exciting! My friend David, who just bough a condo with his boyfriend, got a card from his Gramma that said "To Grandson and friend"... it was hilarious, he tweeted a pic of it.
@eagle: sorry to hear that, but some people are stuck in their ways.
Just yesterday though, we got a Christmas card from my 87 yr old adopted Grandma. The cover was originally a Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, but she had drawn breasts and long hair on Adam to make it two women! we laughed so hard, wins best Xmas card hands down.
She also included a cheque to help us pay for our officiant fees. (love her!!) that's why she's my adopted Grandma. :)
Hang in there Ladies. It will get better. You can see and feel love. Don't let her fall out of your lives but don't hide away your love like your ashamed. Send pictures, letters and cards that show the love you share with your wife to be.
My future mother in law told my fiance that we were going to die of AIDS, go to hell and that she hated her. She then blamed me for making her daughter gay. Needless to say it was not a pleasant conversation. However, we gave her space but did not allow her disrespect either one of us. An hour after the blow she was ready to talk. We let her ask questions and didn't treat her any differently. Because in reality nothing had changed. We've been together 7 years. She just now knows. That's not to say that she was as respectful. Went she was out of line with either one of us we quickly and firmly let her know that her behavior was inappropriate and would not be tolerated by either one of us. we're all adults and should act accordingly not throw tantrums like a spoiled child when things don't go as expected.
We're still in the mist of it, my fiance told her mother around Thanksgiving, so we're still adjusting. Her mother is, not her father, apparently he's know since high school. Good luck, I'll keep your family in my prayers.
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So I still haven't come out to my 85 year old Grandmother. The rest of the family all knows and is excited for the wedding.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I just don't know how "to do it". A letter? Emphasize my love for my partner over being GAY? She already just adores my partner, she will do that grandma hand on top of your hand thing to her, buy her christmas presents etc. I don't want to break my grandma's heart - but I'm getting married, she needs to know. (Canada - its legal here so she can't make any snide comments or anything).
Would a letter be too cold hearted?