Post # 1
Looking for a little advice on how to tell FI’s kids we are getting married. We live together, so they may not be phased in the slightest, but I’m just wondering your thoughts on how to bring it up. Should HE? Should WE?
In addition, do you feel he should he tell their mother first so she doesnt find it out through them? He does not feel that is needed, as they have been split up for 10+ years.
The kids are 11 and 13.
ETA: I personally think he should give her a heads up first, soley because I don’t want there to be drama if she finds out through the kids…but obviously I cannot make him.
ETA: not sure if this is relevent (i’m sure it’s not), but she’s an ex-GF not ex-wife.
Post # 3
Been through this. Sit them down and tell them together. Make it exciting for them.
NO!! Do not tell the EX. it’s none of her business. My kids told their dad. They told me when he got engaged and married. I didn’t want to know, nor did I care.
Post # 4
I totally missed the post that you got engaged. Congratulations!!!
Being from a divorced family, I think you should just sit down together with them, and he can tell them you are getting married. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, just express your love for them, and each other, and that you want to spend your lives together.
I think telling their mom is a nice thing for him to do but it depends on their relationship.
Post # 5
@badabing88: Firstly, I just want to say how excited I am that you are finally engaged!! I follow your posts all the time and kept my fingers crossed that it was coming soon.
I think the kids are old enough/at a good age to understand what’s going on, especially if you and your FI live together. If him and his ex split 10 years ago I’m sure by now the kiddos have a good grasp that Mom & Dad are not getting back together. Although your FI doesn’t think it’s necessary to tell their mother, I still think it should be mentioned to her just in case any issues come up (not that I think they will) with the kids. Does that make sense?
Post # 6
@rickhurst35: Thank you!
@rcac1208: @MsJ2theZ: Definitely makes sense. I, personally, think he should tell her just to avoid any drama if she finds out from them. They are polite, but have a VERY nasty history; he just feels it’s not neccessary and that she shouldnt be suprised by it any ways.
Post # 7
Just make sure to do it together – my friend unluckily got to tell the kids mom about the wedding. By herself because her FI was working late. D’oh…
Post # 8
@mrs_pudding_pop: oh boy, that sounds like a nightmare. We are all polite to eachother, but I was thinking he should at LEAST text her and mention we’ll be tellin the kids.
Post # 9
@badabing88: well, then I’d just let him do it his way. He should know best what is and isn’t needed. I highly doubt my dad called my mom when he proposed to my step mom but I can’t remember.
Post # 10
@MsJ2theZ: @rcac1208: That’s kind of how I left it: “it’s YOUR kids mother, you decide what is best.” Also, thank you both for the sweet congrats 🙂
Post # 11
This information affects the kids they had together, therefore, IMO the ex has every right to hear it from your FI first. I think it’s wrong on many counts to have to hear it from the kids. For one thing, there could be valid reasons that the timing of this news should be discussed with the children’s mother.
Post # 12
@badabing88: I lived this as a kid. My Dad and stepmom sat all the kids down and told us together, frankly we didn’t really care. We were happy for them but it wasn’t a huge surprise stepmom had been around long enough.
My mom found out through us and I don’t think she cared that my Dad didn’t tell her personally.
Post # 13
@badabing88: Mr. 99 called up his kids, said,
“Nona and I are getting married, pick out some nice clothes.”
….they said, “Yay!”
and that was it.
Post # 14
My stepchildren were grown up and were totally thrilled to hear we were getting married at last! But we were careful to tell them all our children at the same time (my oldest son knew first because I needed to know when he was flying back from Utah before I booked the date of the wedding) and we also told DH’s ex-wife too. We get on well but thought it was considerate of her to know. In your case, because the children are younger and presumably being brought up by your FI and his ex, I’d give her the consideration of learning about your engagement from your FI rather than his children. Only I’m a great one for stopping drama before it has the chance to start!
Post # 15
@badabing88: hmm. The safest way is probably for your FI to tell them himself and then the 4 of you go out and do something fun to celebrate. That way if there is any unexpected reactions, it may easier to just have their dad there.
As for the ex, my FI told his ex alone and before we told their son. His son is 4, we live together and have him 50% of the time so he doesn’t really care lol. We told SS together and his exact reaction was “ok. want to play ninja turtles with me?” We’re both on good terms with the ex and talk often though FI thought it best that he give her the heads up so we don’t put her on the spot. Since then, she’s been gushing about wedding stuff with me which is nicer than the alternative but also weird, weird, weird.
Post # 16
My Dad got engaged when I was 20, 8 years after seperating with my Mom. His now wife and him got together at my grandma’s place (my Dad’s Mom) and they both told all of us together.
I’ll let you know that it was a little strange at first. I guess I was a bit shocked even though they were planning on living together.
I don’t know his kids, but don’t be offended if they don’t jump up and down for you guys. And if they do, that’s a bonus.
Also, don’t tell the wife……