(Closed) telling my parents

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@jaymieandben: I think if they’ve been letting you live together since you were 16/17 years old, they can’t stop you from getting married, but they CAN refuse to help pay for it. 

You want to get married in eleven months, but your wedding date is set for two months away. I’m confused…

 

Would your parents appreciate your engagement better if he asked your dads permission?

Post # 4
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t understand.  How have you been living together and you’re not 18 yet?  How are you afraid to tell your family you’re getting married, but they already know you’re living together?  Living together is a serious relationship.  How is it possible your dad approves of your living together (as a minor at that!) but will not approve of you getting married?  Please explain.

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Hmmm…well I also wonder what you mean by “living together” at 17 years old. Are you living with yours or his parents? if this is the case, I’m assuming that your parents aren’t probably the type that care when you get married. You bet your butt I would never let my daughter live with her boyfriend when she was a minor.  *stepping off of soap box*

If your Dad already doesn’t approve of what I mentioned up top, then just elope. It will probably be easier and cause less issues.

Post # 6
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

@smileyd: Some people just pick random dates when to sign up to just ask a question.

OP, I want to ask if you’re living together on your own or are you staying at a parent’s house together? Because if you’re at a parent’s house, that’s not living together really. I mean, yes technically but not in the sense of the all-grown-up-out-on-our-own so I can see where your dad might be coming from on that one. (Case in point: a friend of mine lives at her boyfriends house, has for 2 months now, but they’re nowhere near serious. She just couldn’t live at home anymore and that was the best option to go to). Also, my FI and I live with my dad right now and I don’t see it as the same type of “living together” as we were a few months ago when we were in our own apartment. It’s more like one person at their parental home while the other stays there as well, ya know? Moving on… 

I think that since you’ll both be 18 when you want to get married, go for it if you’re really sure. To hell with what your parents think. But don’t expect them to pay for anything, and it sounds like you don’t. Which is great.

I’d say ask your BF to get your dads permission/blessing first. That’s the first step in showing your dad that you both are serious about each other and getting married.

Can I ask why get married so soon? Why not have a long engagement? It’ll give you more time to mature, get your parents used to the idea, and plus it’ll give you two lots of time to save up for a real wedding, if you want one that is. 

Post # 8
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

@jaymieandben:  Is there any other adult in your life that you feel you could go to and be honest and trust with this information?  Someone who you feel is approachable who would give you good, sound advice?  It sounds like you’re lacking guidance, due to your mom’s reaction to kicking you out, and your dad’s disapproval for your relationship, and I am sorry for you for that.  If there is any type of mentor in your life that you look up to that you could talk to (a teacher, a religious leader, a friend of the family) it might be the best first step.  It’s hard for us to give advice on something so specific, when we don’t really fully understand the dynamic of your relationship with your family, your future husband, his family, your financial future together (you mentioned he had lost his job…) etc.

It sounds like your guy is one of the only people you can rely on in your life, and I’m happy that you’ve found him and he wants to solidify your relationship in marriage.  But please don’t rely on marriage to solve any other problems you may be having in your life (arguments with parents, lack of job stability, etc).  Just remember that getting married so young can be a challenge because people tend to change and grow A LOT during their 20’s…not that that should stop you, I would just advise getting some really great pre-marital counseling to make your future together brighter and stronger than ever! 🙂

Best of luck, doll. 

Post # 9
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If nothing is going to change your mind, then I strongly suggest you two at least go to marital counseling beforehand.

This is not to discourage you from getting married, but to bring up issues that the two of you might have to deal with together as man and wife… things that even older couples don’t think to discuss before marriage.

Just know that marriage takes a lot of work and compromise… best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jaymieandben: I was in a very similar situation. Married young despite parental disapproval, difficult relationship with mom, moved in with the guy, etc. We divorced 1.5 yrs. later. Now, I had to go through it all myself because I wouldn’t hear it from anyone else…and well, no one really shook me and said, “Wait, wait, WAIT! What the HECK are you doing?! Did you get premarital counseling? Did you even read one book on marriage? What do you think marriage means?” and on and on. I am all the wiser and stronger for having gone through that marriage, but if I can spare you some time in your life, I will try. (This is not to say our situations are exactly alike, just similar.)

The best advice I can give you, and what you probably don’t want to hear, and the most gentle way I can write it, is that if you are afraid to tell your family, then you should consider examining all the points of marriage, in all its wonderful and sometimes gory details because, psst…you probably really aren’t as ready in this relationship as you would like to think. You need to prepare yourself for the onslaught of questions as to what you are going to do as an individual and as a couple, what the foundation of your relationship is, how you will support each other, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. Be prepared to stand up for your heart, your mind, and your relationship, with poise and for all the right reasons. If the thought of this energizes you and makes you feel good that you’re prepared and comfortable discussing these things before your family, great! Have a talk with your family, on a bright sunny afternoon, after everyone had a nice meal together and is in good spirits. Then, after the talk and you successfully answer their questions and celebrate, journey forth! Marry!

But, if the thought of this conversation is overwhelming to you, and you can’t imagine a celebration and happiness surrounding you, listen to that inner voice screaming at you, and let that be an indication that perhaps, just perhaps, your father is right in saying you are quite young for a serious relationship. And you know what? If that is the case, there is absolutely no shame in that whatsoever. It is just life, it is just part of the process, okay? You can still grow in your relationship with this guy and figure it all out if that is indeed what you want, and better, what you need, but maybe take it a little slower until you can feel more confident about answering those questions.

What I just wrote to you, is in essence, what I wish someone had written to me 12 years ago. Good luck to you.

 

Post # 11
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

@jaymieandben: I hate to nitpick at everything you say, but are you two actually engaged yet or still in the thinking-of-maybe-marrying-one-day stage? The way you phrased it just makes me think of him telling you he wants to marry you, but he doesn’t mean literally right now get engaged. Many many many boys say that in relationships without actually meaning, “I want to marry you soon, let’s get engaged”. If that’s the case, I wouldn’t even bother telling your parents until you’re in a more serious place in the relationship. If you two are actually engaged and actively talking wedding plans and such, then disregard all that.

Talk to your parents. Find out why they don’t like/approve of him and your relationship. Is it strictly that they still think of you as too young for a serious relationship, or do they not like your BF based on his character, behaviour, personality, etc. Try to have a calm civil discussion with both of your parents, letting them know of your future intentions (i.e something along the lines of, “we’re getting serious and we’re starting to talk about spending our lives together. I would love your blessing and support on this, and our future engagement when the time comes”). Then if that goes well, I’d get BF to ask your dad permission – that seems to always earn the boy major points with dad. I also want to point out that if you two decide on a long engagement – like, 2+ years, this will give your folks tons of time to get used to the idea and warm up to it. Then when the wedding time actually comes they may be really excited and happy about it, rather than upset/disappointed. This will also show your dad that you two are truly committed to one another and aren’t rushing into things.

Post # 12
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

@jaymieandben:

I hope for your sake that you really listen to the advice that you’ve asked for.  I’m not saying this to be harsh, it’s just that it’s easy to be stubborn or proud in situations like this (trust me, I’m a contrarian, so I KNOW how it is…).  But so many women have given such GREAT advice on here, women who have lived this life and have walked in your shoes.  It’s easier said than done, and it’s always hard to trust people when they say “Believe me, I’ve been there, and I’m only trying to spare you from the same mistake.”  Sometimes, I realize, life is about living and learning and making those mistakes, however, I don’t think this is something you want to stubbornly continue on with, despite everyone’s admonishments.  At least give it some more time, and DEFINITELY go to counseling.  REALLY research the demands of a marriage, and make sure you both have a plan of action for the future.  I hate to sound so harsh, but your post has really haunted me all day since I read it late last night, and I just worry that you may not be seeing the whole picture. I just pray that since you had an open and brave enough heart to ask this question and to inquire for our help, that you will continue with that same open and brave heart in truly considering each response as they come your way.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Post # 13
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would speak to a trusted adult about it, if you don’t feel like you could talk to a parent.   I have changed a lot since I was 18 and know that my boyfriend at that time would not have lasted throughout my 20s.  He was really sweet too, but my priorities changed and I changed a lot more than I realized was possible.

I wouldn’t rush anything, if you know he is the one, then there is no need to really rush.  Enjoy each other, and grow together.

Have you two discussed future plans, such as careers, schooling, money, etc?  

Post # 15
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jaymieandben: I have nothing add, as the advice posted previously is fab. I just wish you the luck on this journey.

Post # 16
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

double

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