Post # 1
I’ll be honest. I feel forlorn in my relationship with BF because I once hoped that we were going to get married and now I see it probably isn’t going to happen. I have tried convincing myself that marriage is stupid to cope with the fact that, after nearly four years of being together, BF says he’s 70% sure he doesn’t want to get married (he’s against the institution for philosophical reasons, and they are pretty legitimate in my opinion). He also proudly refuses to be romantic because he thinks romance is for stupid, insecure people. (I tried getting him to do little cheesy gestures for me but he couldn’t even buy me a birthday present or Valentines Day or our anniversaries). He makes nearly $30K annually and my mom and brother thinks he’s stingy. BF is very intelligent about a lot of things and he is a bit arrogant and condescending sometimes. He is a party pooper and wouldn’t dare to do anything crazy and fun with me even though I’ve tried to get him to loosen up and do something crazy with me (e.g. Have sex in a public bathroom, roll down a grassy hill, go swing on the swing sets with me at the park). He objects because he is too lazy, busy, or concerned with how he would appear to strangers. I’m 23 and he is 24. Both of us still live with our parents and we are trying to finish up with school (both of us plan on working in the IT industry and hope to accrue enough money to buy our own houses then). I work part time and he works full time and has zero days off because of school. We rarely go on outings anymore and he is unwilling to request time off work. I’m always sad hiking and going out alone and going to family events without BF when he’s always invited (he’s the “invisible boyfriend”). Even if BF has time off and can join me at a family event, he refuses because he would rather stay home and play video games. We only get together for sex, makeshift dinners, and watching episodes of Game of Thrones. I just want to know what other people think.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Why don’t you just break up with him? Just because you’ve been together for 4 years doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. You barely even seem to like the guy, let alone love him. Cut your losses and find someone who you actually like and who fits your lifestyle.
Post # 5
Break up with him, it sounds like you are unhappy with the lack of effort on his part in your relationship (and should be) and it sounds like he doesn’t care enough to try to keep you or he would make some sort of effort but he isn’t and won’t. You are young, don’t waste another 4 years with him.
Post # 6
Doesn’t sound like a good match to me. You said you understand or get his reasons, but at the same time, you want these things. Don’t spend a life with someone who can’t give you what you want, no matter what their reasoning is. If you want marriage. why are you with someone who doesn’t believe in it? If you want romance, or even a freakin birthday present, why are you with someone who refuses to give you that?
What are you doing with someone who can’t even give you a birthday card? Leave, let him find someone who doesn’t care about anything romantic or related to a relationship and find yourself anyone else.
Geez, even Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory would get you a gift – an inappropriate one, but a gift nonetheless.
Post # 7
@wingnut25: It sounds like you get very little out of this relationship. Frankly, your boyfriend sounds rather selfish and like a bit of a tool. This could be immaturity but it could also just be his personality.
I mean, he doesn’t sound fun or supportive and I wonder if your “relationship’ is based on him getting everything he wants without givng much (anything?) in return.
Bail. Find someone who compliments you and wants the same things you do. You can do better and be happier.
Post # 8
When a guy truly cares about you, doesnt matter if he is romantic or not, he will make the effort. Your guy isnt making the effort and because you havent said anything he is maintaining the status quo.
At the very least I would tell him flat out, I need this this and this and if you arent willing to meet me half way then Im going to be out the door all the way.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone! I appreciate your input a lot. I’m sorry if this all very dense and annoying. Many people I know have advised me to leave and are frustrated with my ambivalence and emoting.
On one hand, I feel like I’m not getting the romance I deserve, but at the same time, I feel like I’m insecure for even wanted to romanced. I feel like the rational side of me just wants to settle and enjoy our common interests as buddies but the sentimental part of me is heart broken and prepared to end this.
likely, my heart is going to win this battle over my prideful head.
Post # 10
@wingnut25: Of course your heartbroken. Any time a relationship might end or comes to an end its a death like thing. Your ending your comfort and there is a possibility that you will be striking out into the unknown.
All women deserve to be romanced and shown that they are worth the effort and you are certainly worth the effort.
Dont make the same mistake I did. I was married for a decade to a man who sounds like your boyfriend. Christmas would come and I wouldnt get a gift. Mothers day would come and not even a card. My birthday came and nothing there either.
The first time my now husband gave me a gift was on our first date. He remembered that I loved chocolate covered cherries and he made me 5 homemade boxes of them.
After that he would always had a note or card or small gift for me. It made me feel so special that he thought of me like that.
Also your bf not taking time off work to spend with you occassionally is also not good. My DH is military and at least once every couple of months he takes off work to spend time with me.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Give up on this guy before giving up on marriage. If marriage is something that is important to you then this guy just isn’t for you. Don’t waste any more time on him when you could be with another totally amazing guy who also thinks that marriage is important.
Him blowing off family events to play video games tells me that he doesn’t care about things that are important to you, namely your family.
Post # 12
This is not healthy relationship. It’s really not a relationship at all. You both deserve to be happy and clearly you are not at this point. It’s time to end things before your self-esteem nosedives even further. Always, always, always take care of yourself first because you can’t really count on anyone else to do it.
Post # 13
@wingnut25: Wanting romance is NOT an insecurity. It’s human nature, and I don’t care what his reasons are, but there’s no excuse for being a douche and not showing the woman you ‘love’ some form of romance. The man doesn’t take ANY time for you, your interests, or your family. He is 100% selfish.
Honestly, you need to leave this guy. You can do SO much better. Let this arrogant, negative-nancy live on his own for a bit and (hopefully) realize what he’s doing to himself and others. He’s too young to be so cynical.
Post # 14
@wingnut25: Ummmm yea…sounds like my ex.
He’s a guy, with some intelligence, in his mid-twenties. He thinks he knows and understands people and the world…He doesn’t. He doesn’t know squat.
Two words: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
A lot of them go through this….and some never come out of it. I can’t tell you how it all came rushing back to me when you said that he thinks romance is stupid and for the insecure (newsflash – HE is the one that is insecure,) and how he doesn’t know if he wants to get married.
GET OUT NOW and stop wasting your time on someone who is so far up his own arse he can’t appreciate you. I’ve been there….you’ll only be kicking yourself if you wait to leave him. What’s worse is you’re barganing with your own wants and needs in order to fit into his down in the dumps notions of marriage. That’s a big no-no sweetie.
“I feel like the rational side of me just wants to settle and enjoy our common interests as buddies but the sentimental part of me is heart broken and prepared to end this.”
I said the same exact thing. He has broken you down (perhaps unintentionally) and now you’re constantly compromising. Stay in this relationship long enough and you won’t even know who you are anymore. The more you start to make room for the parts that are not you the more you suffocate who you were meant to become.
Trust me when I say when you meet the right person you will NOT have a voice inside of you telling you it’s wrong, that you’re heartbroken and you should get out.