(Closed) Ten days to terror

posted 9 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m a little confused. Basically there was a bridal shower. Your fiance drove home with his mom, and they had a conversation about something that was said between your famiy members (aunts?) And that caused an increased level of concern about your relationship (w/your fi) because your future mother in law felt as a result of an interaction with your family- the wedding should be postponed (or called off?)

Well- how was your relationship with your fiance’s mother in the first place? Was it amicable? What type of presence does she have in your fiance’s life? Is she over-bearing? Does she have a generally have a positive outlook on everything in her life?

I think we would need to know more before people can give you some advice. But I think if she is over involved in your relationship to begin with, then maybe the three of you should sit down and talk. But- I am wondering if your future hubby is being pressured to postpone the wedding due to his mother’s concerns… and since you already have met with a counselor, maybe have this conversation with a moderator (the counselor between just the two of you) to facilitate a healthy conversation/approach to make this decision you both are pondering would be more helpful first before sitting down with your future mother in law?

Post # 4
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you and your fiance need to go see your counselor ASAP. If things seemed to be moving forward after then maybe this is just a misunderstanding on both your parts.

But at the end of the day you need to do what is right for you. So make sure that you don’t rush into anything. Good Luck.

Post # 5
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think the title of your post says volumes.  You need to get this sorted out and clear your head.  Make a follow-up appointment with the counselor ASAP, and try to gain some clarity.  Pay attention to what your most trusted advisors are saying to you… You know, those people whose advice you almost always trust…

I don’t think any of us can definitively say what you should do, but I do think that you need to be comfortable with your decision.  Marriage is for a lifetime, and you need to do whatever it takes to ensure that you are on the right track.

I’m wishing you a clear mind!

Post # 6
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think you really need to just talk with him and get everything out. Get out all the confusion with his mom and whatever she said about you, get out how you felt when he was behaving badly toward you on the business trip everything. If he is really wanting to work things out and stay with you then he should be willing to talk about everything especially his mother and how she influences your relationship. Maybe call up the counselor and have a sit down with her and try to see how that conversation goes before even thinking about postponing the wedding. Good Luck and I really hope everything gets resolved.

Post # 7
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have to agree with all the other responses so far, call your counselor!  Talk wtih your fiance and your Future Mother-In-Law about this with a moderator.  Trying to work things out yourselves is obvisously not the best solution and hasn’t worked so far.  I have to wonder though… is this all coming about because of pre-wedding jitters/stress?  I hope it all works out for you and your Fiance.  Best of luck!!

Post # 8
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Let me see if I understand:

Things went awry at the bridal shower: some bad things were supposedly said about you by someone. You heard those bad things as third-hand information (supposedly, what your aunts told your Future Mother-In-Law who told your fiance who told you, but you suspect your Future Mother-In-Law made up the bad things herself and attributed them to your aunts out of embarrassment, and then she told your fiance who told you). Now your fiance is saying he wants to postpone because of the bad things he heard, which indicate to him your relationship is not ready for marriage.

You’re wondering, is he right and we should postpone? Or is this his mother meddling? You said, "I feel as if I should call it off if this is indicative of how things will play out in the future." It sounds like you mean you don’t want a marriage where your husband’s mother is calling the shots. How can you know who’s making his decisions and how can you trust him? 

Look at these things: In your relationship thus far, what sort of influence has his mother had? Does he give her more allegiance than you? That’s something to talk about before you get married. 

As for what happened at the bridal shower, I have only one question: Have you ever played telephone? Do you remember how whatever was said at the beginning gets warped along the way and comes out completely different at the end? Whether through malice or honest misunderstandings, we can never know for sure why the message changed. So my advice is to forget what happened at the bridal shower, who said what to whom. It doesn’t matter. Forgive all the bad things that were said. What matters is the relationship between you and your fiance, whether those foundational things you’re working on are really there.

I would meet with your counselor again to talk about this. He or she will be able to keep you focused. The communication skills you are learning are going to help you talk to one another so that you function as a team, hopefully sooner or later a married team. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but try not to worry about the wedding and focus on your relationship. If you’re really not ready, there is no shame in postponing. Good luck :).

Post # 9
18 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with the other girls.  You definitely need to go and see the counselor – before the wedding.  I recommend you take a very close look at your relationship.  Getting married is not going to solve the problems you have – it’s going to magnify them.

How has your relationship been with your MIL throughout your relationship?  Is your fiance very close to his mother?  I was engaged several years ago to a guy who was very close with his mother.  As we were starting to look at venues, etc. his mother had a change of heart about her son marrying me.  She (and his sister) told him some really nasty things about me and said that they wouldn’t attend our wedding.  Many of the things that told him had no basis and were completely ridiculous.  He ended up listening to his family and breaking off our engagement.  When he came back asking for a second chance – I realized that I couldn’t imagine myself married to a man who isn’t able to think and make conclusions for himself. 

You need to have a serious chat with your fiance (with a mediator) and understand where all of this is coming from.  Is his mother getting nervous about "losing" her son?  Do you have past relationship issues that you never worked out? 

Please go and see a counselor, even if you go by yourself.  It sounds like you need to work through some issues before you will be ready to get married.

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