Terminally Ill Family-Court Wedding Now? Big Reception Later?

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@eagertowedanon23:  what does his mom want? Is it really important to her to be present for this?

Post # 4
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would do the court wedding. I get that your parents went all out, but it’s truly not fair to deny a dying woman the chance to see her son wedded because she got to go to the engagement party. Have the courthouse wedding and plan the reception for your parent’s big wedding.

Post # 7
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@eagertowedanon23:  I understand how your parents feel, but I think your fiance and his family’s feelings should come first here since they are the ones dealing with this huge impending loss. Lots of people I know married at the court house first and then had the religious ceremony and reception at a later date – it did not take away from their happy celebration at all.  

Post # 8
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

If your FMIL wants to be there, I think having family present is more important than the date.  A couple of questions: Why is your family so set on a December wedding?  Why would your parents even presume to believe that an  engaement party (especially without asking or having a conversation with FFIL, FMIL) would be the equivalent of the wedding?

Why not have a small immediate family only event, if FMIL is up for more than signing the certificate – maybe at a restaurant?  Then hold the large reception later?  

We probably don’t know the whole story as to why your family is so adamant about having the wedding put off, but I honestly think it’s not very considerate to be so insistant about that given the circumstances, and espeically if both you and your FI are on board for changing the ‘vision’ to accomodate his mother.  

Post # 9
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Is your family paying for the wedding?  Is that why they feel they have so much say?

Post # 10
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@eagertowedanon23: I’m sorry your family is being so difficult on this really important matter 🙁 I totally get that it’s not probably the ideal scenario, but I think it’s fair to tell your family that your FI’s mom is very important to the both of you, and you want to give her all the happiness in the world before her time comes. That won’t stop you from having a big reception as planned, and heck, you can even do a faux ceremony, or a re-dedication ceremony to make it feel more “proper.” Maybe if you suggest something like that, it would help?

Post # 11
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

As someone who lost their mom I think you’re FI’s opinion is more important here than anyone else’s. I believe 100% that step 1 is for your FI to sit down with his mom and for them to decide what they want. Every one will have an opinion but theirs are the only ones that matter. If it is not that important to them that she be there then they need to talk to FIL and get him on board, if the important part to him is that she is able to give her blessing then consider other options like her writing a letter for him to read or give to you two at the wedding. There are plenty of ways to acknowledge her at the wedding, you guys can even discuss it with her now so you know it will be what she wants.There is a vary good chance that the only person who can talk FIL out of this is MIL. I saw it first hand when my mom was sick that my dad would become passionate about little things because of the emotional nature of what he was going through.

 

If after they talk they decide it is important to them (FI and FMIL) that she be there then it is time for you and FI to sit down with your parents and tell them that it is important to both of you and that you can’t imagine it without her. Just be prepared for them to be upset. They could be upset with you and with FI’s family, but in this case if everyone is passionate about it then some one will be upset. If you have to have someone angry at you I would make it your parents as you will have plenty of time to resolve the situation with them

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@eagertowedanon23:  I would definitely do the court wedding, as I agree with PP’s that your fiance and his family’s feelings should come first in this situation.

I understand that your parents did what they thought was right in this situation, but honestly I think that if at the very least FMIL will be happy to witness the court wedding and doing this will help your FFIL feel more at peace with his wife passing away, then I do think it’s worth to have the court wedding. I said at the very least because you said you don’t know how FMIL feels about the whole situation, but I’m also willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that FMIL will be happy to be able to witness her son get married. I know your parents spent a lot of money on the engagement party, but realistically speaking, having an engagement party is not the same as witnessing a wedding.

Court weddings don’t have to cost a lot of money, so I think that your parents don’t have to worry about spending too much more money on this event. And since you said your parents don’t believe in court weddings, perhaps if you emphasized how much it’d mean to the FILs to have your FMIL included in the wedding and also the fact that you will still have a religious ceremony, they’ll be more understanding.

Post # 14
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If your fiance wants his mother to see him get married, I think you should do the courthouse wedding.  Honestly, I think your parents are being really selfish with this “the engagement party is enough for her” bullshit.

Post # 15
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Get married at the courthouse or wherever your FMIL can get to and be physically comfortable.  I don’t know anything about your families finances but I wonder if they are saving money every month and don’t just have it stashed away already.

 

Either way the courthouse would be for your FMIL and the rest can wait until December.  You just want to make sure she sees you two become married.  If it’s so almighty important for FI’s family to have a lavish wedding they could shake the money tree in their own yard and pay for it.  I can’t imagine dictating how another family spends/doesn’t spend it’s money.

Post # 16
Member
6510 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry but I think your parents are being very selfish. I would do the courthouse wedding in a heart beat if that’s what my FI wanted.

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