My hubby and I just spent our first Christmas as a married couple. Since we just got married a few months ago and that was a major expense, we'd agreed (I thought) to cap our Christmas present budget for one another at $250-300. To me, that is still a lot, but my husband tends to be more extravagent, so that seemed like a fair middle point for us both.
A bit of background: We've had some tension lately with him feeling that I'm "cheap" when it comes money...I have a ton saved for a rainy day and he feels like I/we should be splurging more. I, on the other hand, am all about the occasssional splurge but also a BIG saver - just in case of a rainy day. He's been dropping hints since the wedding about a new laptop that he wants.
Flash to today, Christmas, I open my single present from him: it's a $1,000 purse. Damn. He opens my multiple presents - I got him a $250 Best Buy gift card, about $150 worth of clothes (but on sale so I stayed close to our $300 cap, though I went over it too), and some love tokens that he can redeem for sexy "love acts" anytime, anyplace.
He was really pissed. When he opened the gift card he said "$250 for an $800 laptop?!" I was really hurt and noted that we'd agreed to have a $300 cap. He claims he forgot and it was clear that he expected me to get him the laptop. I informed him that I'd told other family members to also get him Best Buy gift cards and then planned to give him another gift card for his bday the first week of Jan. He wasn't having any of it and hasn't really spoken to me since we've opened presents other than to say that he would like to exchange the purse for a $300 one and use the rest towards his laptop.
That made me cry. I think it is very rude to take a present back once given, but I didn't even want that purse. He's always tense at the holidays (I think due to the death of his father) but I feel like if I don't get him exactly what he wants he throws a temper tantrum. I have the money to buy the laptop, but I was trying to stick to our agreement...now he is grumbling again about how cheap I am. Is it me or is $800-$1,000 a lot to spend on a Christmas present when we just got through paying for our wedding and have a lifetime to give one another gifts? Maybe I am being cheap? I could easily go buy him the laptop, but I feel like that is rewarding bad behavior...what should I do???
I think that's childish and selfish of him, TBH. If you agreed on a budget, then why be angry when you stuck to it? I wouldn't give in, especially if he gets other cards from family and his birthday is right around the corner.
That is absolutely unacceptable. He's acting like a spoiled child and could use a reminder on what's really important at Christmas.
You both made a spending agreement that he should have stuck to. He has no business expecting any certain gift from you or anyone else. A gift is just that - a gift.
He cares more about money than you :-( whatever you get him and whatever he gets you is more a trophy for him to show off than anything else. I mean, his comment about the laptop spells it out loud and clear!
do not let him beat you down making you feel cheap anymore!!
@mrsgrant: your husband is being really rude. he should have bought you the purse because he wanted to/thought you'd like it etc. not so that he gets a present of equal value. that's selfish.
it's not your fault that he 'forgot' the cap, and he picked out the purse, so again, not your fault.
his behaviour is super rude. you think you're going to love every gift he ever gets you? nope! but i doubt you'll be openly 'pissed' and deride what he did get you. that's low and not exactly in the christmas spirit. i wouldn't buy him the laptop, i'd ask for an apology. if i gave my SO a card and NO gift, he wouldn't do that.
this morning i opened a ridiculous gift from an aunt, but i smiled, thanked her and she'll recieve a thank you note in a week or two. i know that's what polite people do, because my parents taught me that. imagine your child witnessing your husband's behaviour!
maybe point out that having such an ungrateful husband doesn't exactly get you excited to buy him gifts.
@mrsgrant: Wow. I'm kind of appalled. Not only did he 'forget' but he was ungrateful for what you gave him which was pretty damn generous by itself. I don't know how I would handle it but I would rip DH a new asshole if tried to throw a tantrum like that. Also, it would be one thing if you offered to exchange the purse but to take it back to use toward his own 'gift' is so....there aren't words.
Im so sorry he's doing this to you. :(
@Jamcnair: Ok, I will try to stick to my guns and not get him the laptop. It's hard not to feel like a cheapskate though because I do have the money, I just think it is ridiculous to spend so much on a Christmas present...
@mrsgrant: Oh, I completely forgot to touch on that. You are in no way obligated to spend x amount simply because you can technically afford to do so. What a ridiculous notion.
@WillyNilly: I know...he's really being an ass. He's normally such a sweet person and he is usually very generous - I've seen him spend his last dime to make sure a friend is covered or do something for someone else. I don't want to make excuses for his behavior, but it is so unlike him that I'm baffled. He's been kind of a jerk this whole week and I think it is some sort of holiday depression - he was very jerky and cranky this time last year as well.
I also know that "giving of gifts" is a love language for some people so I'm wondering if that might be part of the issue? I always thought we were both quality time, but I'm realizing that gifts mean a lot to him but they mean very little to me...
@DrTeeth: agreed. if this is how he reacts when he doesn't get a (very) expensive christmas present, i can only imagine what would happen if you hit hard times. he's lucky you're a saver!
sounds like he's not exactly in it 'for richer, for poorer'!
@DrTeeth: Thanks, that is reassuring. I've been second guessing myself a bit wondering if I am cheap to not have gotten him the laptop when I can obviously afford it - but then, so can he, since clearly he got me a $1,000 marc jacobs bag?! So frustrating and such a bummer.
wow, he's acting like a d-bag.
I would never agree to have present exchanges again if DH acted like that... and he wouldnt be getting any (if you know what i mean) for a LONG time.
@peonyinlove: "sounds like he's not exactly in it 'for richer, for poorer'" - this is the fear that is currently lurking within me and has kind of ruined my Christmas. We are generally really happy and get along GREAT 98% of the time, but every once in a while he really shows his ass and I start to worry. Does anyone else have a DH who acts like a different person around the holidays? I'm wondering if it is some grieving mechanism due to his father's death and other family issues?
@mrsgrant: i think you need to let him cool off for a bit and then sit him down and be straight with him.
'you really hurt my feelings and made me feel like what i gave you wasn't good enough even though i put alot of thought into it and obeyed the budget we agreed upon'
'there was no reason for you to be so dismissive of what i got you - it bothers me that you acted that way on christmas, you were very selfish'
and then...'i know that you wouldn't mean to hurt my feelings (benefit of the doubt here) and i'm hoping that even though you didn't receive what you had hoped for, you still had a good holiday. i think that holidays are about more than presents, don't you? (he'll clearly say yes). so then, is there something else that's bothering you? you really weren't acting like yourself'.
see if there's something else going on. but i'd be very frank that in 10 years he won't remember what you got him for christmas, but you will always remember that on your first married christmas, he made you feel so rotten and ruined it. he can buy the laptop this week - you're not getting your first christmas as a married couple back.
also - there's no shame in saving. anything can happen! having a 'rainy day' fund is a demonstration of love too. i love you so much that i have money in the bank if you get sick, hit by a car, laid off etc. maybe you need to make him see that that money buys you security.
@mrsgrant: Man, this made me really angry when I read it! I can't even imagine how I would feel if my fiance freaked out on me like that!
My fiance and I are paying for our wedding next year, so we initially agreed not to get each other anything (or, if we were going to buy each other something, it would be something small). I stuck to the bargain and only spent around $25 to renew his favorite magazine. He spent way more and bought me a KitchenAid stand mixer that I really wanted!
He could have been upset that I didn't spend as much on him as he did on me, but he didn't care. I told him I felt guilty, but he insisted that he wanted to get that for me and was aware that he went way over budget. I'm planning to use my gift to bake him something of his choice as an additional "gift," and he was more than happy to accept that.
If he had gotten angry over the fact that he spent way more than I did, I wouldn't even know how to react. I feel like your husband is definitely in the wrong here. Did he buy you a more expensive gift because he just assumed you'd do the same? Even if you can afford something, that doesn't mean you're obligated to buy it!
I understand that you're trying to figure out why he's behaving this way (you mentioned he'd lost his father and had some other family issues), but I don't think you should just excuse it. People grieve in different ways, but it's not normal to freak out on your wife because you didn't get a gift you wanted, tell her you're going to return her gift for something less expensive so you can use the extra money on yourself, and then refuse to speak to her for the rest of the day.
I'm sorry you're dealing with his rude, childish behavior but you shouldn't feel like you need to give in and get him the laptop. If anything, this would make me less inclined to do a gift exchange at all in the future!
@DrTeeth: @peonyinlove: +1 to both.
I agree with PP, he is being a totally spoiled little child. I guess in the future you two will need to write out your gift 'budget agreement' so that he can't claim to forget!! Or else maybe you can agree that Christmas is a time for you to each splurge/buy yourself something that you've been wanting all year. I'm at a loss for words, really. I would be really bummed out if I were you too. But definitely don't cave and buy him the laptop, it would reward him for terrible behavior!!
Thanks for all of the advice. It REALLY helps to get add'l perspectives. I will give us both some time to cool down and then see if we can talk things out. I will not be buying him the laptop :) everyone warned me the first year of marriage was the hardest, but I must admit I didn't see this coming.
@mrsgrant: wow. That is terrible. My fiancé and I set a budget and I went a little over it and he bought me a beautiful necklace and went way over it, but wasn't mad at me. He did it because he wanted to surprise me and he wanted to do it. Not for a gift in equal value back bc I was supposed to read his mind.
you should tell your husband you are hurt by his actions.
@mrsgrant: "he would like to exchange the purse for a $300 one and use the rest towards his laptop."
This is preposterous! He is behaving like a little child. Appalling.
Oh, and this: "I'm wondering if it is some grieving mechanism due to his father's death and other family issues?"
If it is, it's a self-indulgent one. I lost my mother when I was 13, and I can promise you the last time I treated it as an excuse to behave badly was... when I was 13. Grieving is a lifelong process but it isn't a lifelong excuse to act like an asshole.
Man, I'd be done giving HIM presents. Next time a birthday or holiday rolls around, "I just don't think I can do it right, after the ungrateful way you yelled at me last time... I think I'd better just not get you any presents at all, to avoid feeling not good enough in the future."
Even if you didn't want the purse you need to return it. Keeping it will make it look like you are being incredibly selfish. Return the gift and put the rest into savings if you wont get him the laptop because in all honesty I'd be upset if I was your husband and you kept a 1,000 bag and got me a gift card and clothes when you are worried about the budget.
Oh wow. I don't even have words for how totally unacceptable this is...
@mrsgrant: You are right. He is wrong. He's being very childish. I would return the purse. It doesn't really make sense to keep it. It's more an issue of his attitude.
You did everything right, and he threw it in your face. You are absolutely in the right here.
aren't finances shared now that you guys are married? we just had our first christmas together too, and I gave him a keychain and he got me a charm (for my bracelet) and that was it. we're definitely not poor but christmas is nobody's birthday, it's just a day to appreciate family and spend some time together, do thoughtful things for each other... I would NEVER dictate what he had to give me as a present, and I don't want anyone telling me what to buy them (unless I ask, and unless I have no good ideas of my own). if I tell them what to get me then it's not a gift from them, it's a gift from myself through them to myself, lol! (this only works when you're a kid and have no money and ask your parents to get you gifts. but as adults with your own money, you can just buy whatever you really want!! and it's up to other people to buy things you didn't know you want, but is actually nice too.)
I understand gift-giving as a language of love, I really care about gifts too, but it's not about the monetary worth of the gifts... rather the thought behind it. you must've spent time picking out all those nice clothes for him, which is definitely a thoughtful gift!
I don't understand why he didn't just buy the laptop for himself and stay on budget with the gift to you. perhaps he is frustrated that all his hint-dropping didn't work out as planned, ha! or perhaps he's a little strange and WANTS the laptop to come from you so he can feel like it's a gift of love rather than self-indulgence? hmmm
My father died right around Christmas time too. Yes, I do get sad sometimes, but I never act like an ungrateful child! That is no excuse for him to behave that way. You are definitely in the right, and should stand your ground.
@patchy: That was my question too...are finances shared??
Because, my first thought was well if you had the money why didn't you buy him the gift you knew he wanted? And I talked to my FI about it and he thought the agreement to not spend more than 300 or whatever was the key factor.
So, if that's the case, then I think in addition to all the other bee's points I'd also want to discuss what it means to have an agreement regarding "shared finances." For us it means no one is making 1000$ purchases without some sort of discussion about it.
Wow I would be so upset too. He is acting like a spoiled child and that would make me never want to buy him anything again. He owes you an apology for sure. I am sorry your 1st christmas didn't go as expected:( But you weren't not even close to being wrong in this scenario.
My boyfriend doesn't like the holidays either because he's a chef so for him it means alot of busy work around the holidays. However he still manages to spend alot of time and effort sweetly picking out or making fun gifts for me and my family, so I wouldn't just blow it off because he's not a big fan of holidays. I would absolutely make him account for his behavior, he needs to realize what's really important in life.
Can I just say ugh on the love tokens and gift cards. Love tokens were actually voted the worst gift to give your SO and gift cards?? Even from Best Buy is really a quick painless way of giving a gift with no thought. Thats just my opinion concerning gift cards.
That said and Im going to be unpopular here for saying this, why didnt you buy him the laptop? If you knew he really wanted it why wouldnt you? I can see if you didnt have the money but he had been making it obvious that he wanted that as a gift and you said you could afford it.
His response was completely inappropriate and there is no excuse for that. I would guess that your husband is one of those people who likes to spend alot of money and see the joy on someones face.
A comment that really stuck out is this one, A bit of background: We've had some tension lately with him feeling that I'm "cheap" when it comes money.
Have there been other instances where your frugalness have come off as stingy or selfish to your DH? If there have been other instances, what are they and how did you handle them?
Money is the number one issue between couples. It can become a defining problem in alot of marriages. FI makes more money than I do. He also comes from a well off family and they believe in spending money. Im more frugal mainly because I make less money than he does. However FI hinted that months ago he wanted a harley davidson leather jacket for christmas. I saved money from every pay check from August in order to buy it. However if I couldnt have bought the jacket he would have loved any gift I gave him but it did my heart wonders to see the joy on his face when he opened it.
I digress. If you have a significant rainy day fund, 800.00 in the grand scheme of things isnt going to break you. Christmas in our house is about going the extra mile for the people we love. I would say the 800.00 spent is alot less painful than having a ruined holiday.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this on Christmas, his behavior is ridiculous! Has anything like this happened before? I just can't believe that an adult would get so huffy over a gift, especially a thoughtful (and price-y!) one like the one you gave. I felt terrible this Christmas because the main gift I bought my husband hasn't arrived yet so I only had a new cellphone case to give him, but he was thrilled -- or at least pretended to be, haha. The holidays should not be about presents. It's about spending time together as a family. If he's so touchy about the gifts, maybe you just shouldn't do any and he can just buy himself that new laptop he "needs."
@TexasSpringBride: my DH LOVES the love tokens I gave him years ago, and he's still using it to this day lol! but yeah I hate gift cards too, though it's a pretty normal gift it seems. however, she is in no way wrong because they already agreed upon a limit, and he was the one who decided to break it for whatever reason.
but wait, is he pouting because, after he spent the money to buy the expensive bag, he can no longer afford to buy his own laptop? he was counting on you covering him? if that's the case, and you guys don't have shared finances, I would just give him the extra $700 or whatever's the case how much he "overspent", so he can buy himself the laptop. and don't count it as a christmas gift.
I NEED good computers to do my work/enjoy daily life, so it's not even an issue. if I want a new laptop, I'd buy one, and same for DH. but we wouldn't get it as gifts for each other... strange.
@patchy: Short answer is no on joint accounts. We're just starting to merge our finances. While we lived together for about 6 months before we go married we worked out a joint system that was great and made sense to us but didn't require an official merging of accounts (i.e. we just split up the household expenses in a way that felt fair to us both and we each paid our portions out of our own accounts).
His bank is a credit union out by his job that is a good 45 mins away from where we live and has only 1 other branch in town/the US. My primary bank is based out of another state where I lived before. I also opened a small emergency account at a local bank that also has national branches and we are merging on THAT account for joint household expenses. Should be getting the new cards any day now.
It's basically "I got you a $1000 purse because I wanted you to get me a $1000 laptop!"
Disgusting.
@TexasSpringBride I realize that gift cards can come off as impersonal, but I was trying to stick to the agreed upon limit and also had dropped hints with other family members to get him gift cards to there too so that the combined effect would be him having a bunch towards that laptop. I also wasn't 100% sure which laptop he wanted and get TOTALLY overwhelmed every time i go into Best Buy. He on the other hand, LOVES that place, so a gift card gives him a bit of flexibility.
He is definitely the type who loves to see a face light up at a present and is bummed if others don't react with excitement. The other day he came home from work and I was upstairs so couldn't see him but shouted a greeting. When I cam downstairs a few mins later he was standing there with a a dozen red roses and I KNOW he waited there just so he could see the expression on my face, which was sweet. The ironic thing there is that I'm not really a fan of red roses, but I still loved that he got me flowers and surprised me so I was nothing but smiles and joy when I saw them.
I do feel a bit like I should have just gotten the laptop or a bigger gift card in the first place sicne I could've afforded it BUT now after his behavior I really don't want to get it. I'm starting to learn that dropping hints about presents is significant for my husband. For whatever reason he feels unloved/gets upset if he mentions he wants something and then doesn't get that exact thing. He expects a lot but gives a lot too...
Also wanted to add that since his birthday follows Christmas so closely (on top of the $300 limit we'd agreed to), I was thinking to use a combination of the two to give him enough for the laptop.
Last year he wanted a blueray player and I did a bunch of research and got one for him but he ended up exchanging it for another one - so I feel like I can't win with him...it seems impossible to get him a present he likes, unless they are sports tickets and then he usually complains about where we are sitting. He's just a brat when it comes to gifts! He left for work before I got up this morning and the purse was gone, so I'm not holding my breath for an apology. My bet is he'll come home with a laptop tonight and a less expensive purse or a gift card for me. Ugh. I don't care a thing about THINGS so this whole situation is beyond me.
I am so sorry to hear how your holiday went! :-( If it makes you feel better, we also had bumps in the road for our first Christmas.
I do agree that your husband is being selfish. The budget was set for a reason, and part of that is to make sure everyone is on the same page. We also set a budget in our house (maximum of $150, since we just bought a brand new washer/dryer) to keep our expectations in that realm. Your husband basically set himself up for disappointment when he chose to go over that budget.
I agree with what a PP said. I would give youselves a few days after the holidays, because sadly, the holidays can bring out the worst in people. I would let him know that what he said did hurt you. You guys worked out a budget in advance and you didn't appreciate his comments. Hopefully, in a few days, he will have calmed down and returned to his normal self.
Plus...I think it does hurt more, because it is your first Christmas as a married couple. I wanted our first one to be perfect, as well, but we had some family issues that came up (basically, a lack of communication is what it boils down to), and I ended up in tears.
@mrsgrant: I think coordinating the gift cards with other family members was actually quite sweet. It sounds like you were trying to facilitate the buying of the laptop within the rules you both agreed to about money. Had FI done that for me I would have been quite touched.
I'd probably want to return the bag and forget about all future gift giving holidays. He lost a loved one so he's going to be a jerk to other people who love him?? Forget that
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