Terrible New Year's Eve.. please read :(

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why does he have all the power? It isn’t uncommon for women to propose. Why don’t you set up a lovely evening and propose to him?

Post # 4
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

@Claire324:  so sorry you are going through this, I think a lot of bees can relate to the frustrations of “waiting”.  I’ve been with SO for 7.5 years and now as each holiday has come and gone…I’m a bit sad as well. 

 

I think its good that you talked to him..even if it wasn’t the exact conversation you wanted to have. How long have you guys been together? 

Post # 6
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I wouldn’t propose to him as PP suggested because if he says yes, you will always have it in the back of your mind that he would never propose on his own. I’m modern in many ways, but especially in a case like this, I would not propose to a guy. My husband and I mutually decided we were engaged.. no proposal per se, but I didn’t have to drag him kicking and screaming either.

I think you need to talk with him and get some answers. It’s not going to work to just bury your feelings. You’ll just become more and more resentful.. and if you do shut up about it completely, he’ll probably just go along with it thinking he’s off the hook.

There is no easy answer to what to do here, but I think the fact that he brings it up and even suggested dates (however misguided that was on his part since the dates came and went) is a good thing. It’s not like he refused to talk marriage – period. You’ve been together 2 years, right? That isn’t a huge time.

I would have another talk with him.. and really get to the bottom of what you both are feeling so there aren’t any more misunderstandings.

Post # 7
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Claire324:  Um, I would not recommend proposing to him, but I’m so sorry to hear about what has happened! I felt a lot like he had the power too, but my man never backtracked / changed the timeline. We both agreed on a reasonable timeline and then he followed through and proposed earlier than I anticipated. I’m most worried about the fact that your guy changes the timeline back and forth and hasn’t followed through on promises. I also think moving in doesn’t make it any better. I don’t have any advice other than a big hug. 

Post # 9
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

I’d have a heart to heart and ask him what he sees as being a reasonable timeline for marriage, children, etc. and talk to him about your expectations.  Let him know that you’re not happy with it if you’re not. 

Post # 10
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I feel you should just focus on yourself and not worry about the relationship. He has to want to propose to you and not forced…

Post # 14
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Hyperventilate:  I don’t think that’s a good idea considering he doesn’t seem to be ready for marriage yet

Post # 15
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m sorry you’re feeling bummed and confused 🙁 You’re not alone though! I too have just joined the boards for this very reason.

I’ve been with SO for almost 9 years (come Jan 20th). Granted we started dating when we were in high school, but still, 9 years is 9 years. We know we want to be together forever, have lived together for almost 3 years, have a dog, talk about marriage and kids, so what gives, right? Well I know for a fact that my guy needs a push when it comes to somethings…OK…pretty much everything. He’s extremely relaxed and go with the flow, and isn’t much of a planner. I finally after months and months of him hinting and telling me “it’s going to come soon” set a timeline. The timeline is quickly approaching…by our anniversary, which is now 19 days away. He hasn’t really been talking about it at all, which worries me some, but it has also allowed me not to feel the need to bring it up all the time! Which I know was both annoying to myself and especially to him. 

I’m not quite sure what will happen if January 20th comes and goes without a proposal, because like you and your SO, our relationship is great…but just needs to be taken to the next level!

Sorry, I don’t think I was much help at all, but I wanted to let you know that your guy isn’t as abnormal as you nay think 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I definitely understand your pain.  I was with FI for 7 years before he proposed and HE told me he wanted to marry me and that it was just a matter of timing 2 years into our relationship.  Granted, we were only 18 when we got together so I certainly don’t feel like I was actually “waiting” for the 5 years since then, but I definitely feel like I actively waited for atleast 2.  We have always been so on the same page about things, and have always been able to talk about everything, so we kept setting very detailed time frames that sounded good, and he, like your SO would say things or throw out dates that REALLY made me think we would be married by a certain time… He said that he really wanted to be the one to propose, and that he also wanted to be finished with grad school/making more money/ect… So I kept trying to be ok with the timeframe changing because I wanted us both to feel really really comfortable and ready.  We just recently got engaged, and it came after me sitting him down and telling him that all I wanted was him.  I made very clear that I didn’t want a fancy wedding, I was fully ready to pay for my own ring (I must be honest and say a ring was important to me too), and emphasized how I didn’t know what else could change to make us more ready.  (Both finished school, making decent money, have a nice little home, very happy in our lives and our relationship.)  I never wanted to walk, but I told him I was truly scared that he might never be officially ready.  He ordered the ring right after that converstation and proposed as soon as it arrived.  So, while my proposal certainly wasn’t a total surprise (as I paid for most of my ring), the actual day of it definitely was and it was perfect anyway.  I’d say sit him down and come to a strong understanding about your timeline together and see if you can uncover any reasons why he may want to wait that he maybe isn’t even totally aware of himself.  Goodluck and I hope 2014 will bring you a proposal!     

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