- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Just want to thank everyone in advance for reading this, it’s going to be a long one.
Just to give you a bit of background my mom and I have had a really rocky relationship for the past 10-11 year and I have had a rocky relationship with my dad for a couple of years.
My parents seperated when I was around 20, I chose to live with my dad because my sister and brother had decided to live with my mom and I didn’t want my dad to be alone. I hate to say this but my dad has always been a really incompetent person. My mom did everything in the marriage with respect to budgeting, paying bills, finding us homes to live in etc.. after the divorce my dad ended up getting a horrible little apartment in a terrible part of town where alot of crack dealers and prostitutes lived and “worked”. He used to work evening shifts so i was often had to come home from university in the evenings and go through the neighborhood to get to our place. We were there for about 2 years and somehow I made it through.
I went to law school when I was 23 or so and there was no money for my university so i had to get loans. Some of that was due to my mom’s mismanagement of finances and investing in things when we had no money. I went through 3 years of law school with mos of the time not even having $5 in my pocket, I was the only student without a laptop. I didn’t work during that time but applied for numerous grants which I mostly handed over directly to my mom so she could use for our household. Many times we were completely broke and she encouraged me to get loans from banks (which i could because I was a law student, promising she would help me pay it back.) Most of those loans also diretly went to her although I kept a small amount to make sure I had some money for emergency.
Once I finished law school i moved to Toronto for work and my dad moved with me. He was having some difficutly in his job and wanted to bring an action against his employer, his father (my grandfather) had also passed away the year before so he was depressed. I figured once he came here and settled he would start working, but no such luck. We’ve been here for close to 6 years and he hasn’t worked except briefly for 8 months or so.
His excuse is that he is depressed, he goes to his doctor once a week and psychiatrist once every two weeks, he takes all types of medications which have made him worst instead of better. There was a time i thought for sure he was on drugs because he couldn’t even stand up straight. Then I found out he was overdosing on his medication. I’ve wanted to go with him to his doctor or psychiatrist to speak to them and see what is going on, but he has refused to let me go, he doesn’t want me to “embarras him”. This got really bad with him overdosing on the pills and I told him I would not have a relationship with him if this continues, and I believe he has stopped taking some of those pills or at least overdosing on them.
The fact that he doesn’t work and has no money is a major concern to me. He lives in community housing, he used to live in a place which had bed bugs, and because I couldn’t stand to have him there i used to invite him to stay at my one bedroom condo 3-4 nights a week. I didn’t know anything about bedbugs at the time, but he ended up bringing the bedbugs to my house. I had to throw away everything i had and buy everything all over again, it was a complete nightmare!
Thank god for the past 6 months he has moved to a place that is clean with no bedbugs, but he has no money, I am always worried if he has food to eat or money for a bus pass. I am always passing him $40 here and there, or buying him tokens for the bus etc.. and it’s just too much, especially when he makes no effort to make his life better. I had a talk with him about a month ago that he needs to get a job (he is only 58) and he said there is a course he could take where it’s almost job guarantee after. The cost? $1200 and since he has no way of getting that money I have offered to pay, hoping he’ll get a job after… Its a couple of weeks long course, he just started this week and I paid the first $226 +40 for bus tickets. Just the other night he said “we” have to start thinking about getting a car since most of the jobs that would be available to him would be out of the city!!!! I am not really willing to pay anymore money after I give him this $1200, especially since he is not really a good father at all, he is basically like a 5 year old child I have to take care of.
I never get any support from him or fatherly advise or anything…It’s just so frustrating and I have a hard time sleeping at night thinking about all of this.
My mother thankfully lives in another city but she is a nightmare in her own right. She is an extremely controlling negative person, she always makes me feel bad about myself and my choices even though she says she wants me to be happy. She was been so unsupportive of my relationship with my fiance (due to the age difference) and always makes very sny comments. She also always likes to blame her children for all of her misery, and has said on many occasions once all 3 of her children are settled she will never call us or look at us again… she says many hurtful stuff like this and then says she is jocking and expects us to forget about it…
It’s just aweful having the parents that I have and I am just venting, thanks to everyone who has the patience to read this. 🙂
Any word of advice would be so appreciated.