Post # 1
I am just having a hard time today. My SO and I will have been living together for a year, and will have been together for 2 years coming up soon.
We are both well established with our careers before we even met, and have known that we are the right person for each other.
I just found out last night that he hasn’t been saving or looking for a ring. I’m 29, turning 30 in May. I want to get married and have children sooner than later.
SO is 31, and has said he wants to be married and have children in his early 30s. We discussed in length full details of what he/I want for our wedding, who we are going to invite, etc. He introduces me to people as his future wife.
It’s like… what is he waiting for, an invitation to start saving or even looking?!?! He has a home in Hawaii that he rents out to long-term renters, a great savings account that he doesn’t touch. Money is obviously not the problem!!!
We are already getting pressured from both sides of our friends and families.
I just hate waiting, I know people have been waiting a lot longer than I have for an engagement ring and I just want to get the ball rolling with planning our wedding, and getting a full commitment from him.
I feel like an idiot when I say that he’s my boyfriend; like I’m not good enough to be cherished enough by someone for them to commit to me. Some of my friends are celebrating their 5-8 year wedding anniversaries, and have children in grade school. I want that so bad, and I feel every day that I don’t have that commitment, is one less day closer to getting these things from life that I want. I feel like there is no reason at all for why we should be waiting!!!
Thanks for listening to me vent, ladies.
Post # 3
Have you asked him when he sees the two of you getting married and just flat out if he is ready? I know you discussed things in the abstract, but it’s not quite the same as asking him how he feels at this moment in time about it.
Post # 4
@MsW-to-MrsM: Yes, thank you for asking. He says he is ready, knows I’m the right one for him, and assures me that we will get married and have children someday. I flat-out asked him when he thinks we would be getting married, and he said- “fall of next year, maybe.”
…well, if that’s how it’s going to go down, I need an engagement ring like now! We have been wanting to plan a destination wedding, which further complicates things for a shorter engagement.
What I’m frustrated is that it seems to be all talk, and no action!
Post # 5
@chic_and_fabulous: My heart goes out to you. It really, really does
You sound a lot like me in some ways…..I had a friggin breakdown at 29, January of this year (feel free to read my posts), because I was turning 30 in March and realized I would be unmarried, hell, UNENGAGED!!!! “THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE” I thought! “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!”
Okay so maybe that’s more me than you haha! Therapy, Self Help Dating Books and THE WEDDINGBEE have really helped me move on in my life to a happier place.
A few things:
1) Have you checked out Mr. Bees guide to getting engaged? I read it, was in denial about it, and then I started to implement things and you know? I’ve seen a change that I cannot describe in my relationship. It’s better. I’m better. But you want to know why? Like you…I was living in a world of have nots. All I could see was my married with kids friends, cousins, even an aunt i had who in 3 years got married AGAIN and had another baby (what?!). Once I started to focus more on myself…my life changed. I think yours can too.
2) It sounds like you’ve already discussed timelines which is great. Are you SURE money is not an option? I talked to my SO about rings…He’s got it in his head it’s supposed to be 10% of his pay or 3 months salary! UM okay?! Based on his projected salary, (as in my case), this could be quite a bit of money, and it does take time to save up for this if he doesn’t want to do this process on credit.
3) Who’s paying for the wedding? Your parents? His parents? Or you and him? Which could also take time to save up for.
4) If you were able to answer 2 and 3….Maybe it’s time to have an honest discussion with your guy and see what the hold up is.
Good Luck and hang in there. It gets better.
Post # 6
Hmph! I would be majorly frustrated too, if I was in your shoes. I’m also a waiting bee, and I have had days when I just wanted to scream HURRY UP! Do men need a formal invitation to get committed?? Well…yeah, maybe. I’d second what the last reply said – in my experience you’ve gotta lay it out in front of your SO; ask directly. Sometimes the guys we love can be really dense 🙂 (I’m not man-bashing or anything, I love my man and I’m sure you love yours!)
Post # 7
@chic_and_fabulous: Has he cut back on his drinking? I ask because based on a previous post it seems like he has issues with alcohol. And take it from me, if someone is consumed with a drinking problem absolutely nothing else matters in life…like getting engaged.
Post # 8
@chic_and_fabulous: You say he has a great savings account – then it doesn’t sound like he needs to actively “save” for a ring.
What did he say when you asked him what the hold up was?
Post # 9
Post # 10
@veryberry13: I’m following Mr. Bee’s plan: I’m on the shut-it-up pact- I’ve only slipped once in the last month. I joined a gym, am hanging out more with my friends, and am trying to not be at the house all the time.
We are paying for our wedding together, and probably won’t haveany help from either side of our families. His mother is laid back and quite well-off financially, but we are not going to solicit money. We wouldn’t take any money offered from my family as they’re not in any position whatsoever to help.
He is upper management of a very nice casino, and I am an emergency room RN. He has no bills, no student loans, no car payment, etc. We both share my car, actually. Our rent is $400/each. His cell phone is provided for free from work. He eats for free at the casino. So, unless if there is some hole hidden in the bottom of his bank account that I don’t know about and he has a serious meth/heroin/hooker/stripper/cocaine addiction that he’s hiding really well- there’s no issues financially.
I asked him what the hold up is, and he can’t tell me! He says he doesn’t know. Ugh.
Post # 11
@sillysillybee: Yes! I am so incredibly thrilled! He has quit drinking actually ever since that post! He is doing really well; we had a come-to-jesus talk 🙂
Post # 12
@chic_and_fabulous: Well that is REALLY good news!
Post # 13
@mousepeach: he doesn’t touch his savings account. so you’re correct- he doesn’t truly need to save, but that’s the way he manages his finances is by saving up for things, rather than to withdraw from his savings.
Men are weird, lol. Isn’t that what savings accounts are for?
Post # 14
@chic_and_fabulous: You asked him what the hold up is and he can’t tell you…he says he doesn’t know….
My first instinct is that he must be saving up or a ring for you…or is there a heirloom? Have you guys talked about this at all?
Savings is sort of out of someone’s control….it only goes as fast as the money comes in, and it’s a process. I asked about a heirloom because if he’s having a ring made, instead of just purchasing one….that takes time too. It took one of my GF’s a little over a year for her ring to be made, and it consisted of 2 family rings from both of their sides that they had customized/made…I think the stones were precious and were delicate…causing more trouble and complications in the process. Even if he had a ring custom made without heirloom stones this could be timely.
Post # 15
@veryberry13: that would be sweet! His mother is divorced and sold her ring when that happened, and I don’t think my mother ever had an engagement ring.
It just dawned on me. You know what it might be????? He might be terrified of getting me something that I ldon’t ike? He bought me a diamond heart necklace for our first anniversary that I didn’t care for. I faked liking it, but apparently I’m not about to win an Oscar any time soon because he figured out that I didn’t like it. (And no one better think I’m an ungrateful bitch because it was truly awful, lol. It was one of those swirly heart necklaces that could’ve had ‘Mom’ or ‘Grandma’ written across the middle of it) I wore it every day for a month even though I didn’t like it, and he still figured it out.
He has access to my Pinterest though with my bling that I really like, and has looked through my Pinterest boards since he likes to comment on my wedding boards?
Post # 16
@chic_and_fabulous: Oh my goodness, I feel your pain with the “fall of next year” thing. I’m not in my 30s or anything yet, but my SO always says stuff like this.
“When are we going to get married?”
“May 1, 2015!” (My SO is obsessed with palendromes…haha)
“You realize that’s like 18 months away, right?”