Post # 1
My wedding is in 5 weeks, and I don’t know if I can go through with it.
My fiance is a hot-headed guy, and although we argue passionately sometimes it’s never escalated into anything violent. I just accept his moodiness as a part of him. Well, just a little bit ago we were both in a sour mood, but he was really snapping at everything I said – EVEN why I tried to be nice and end the whole thing. He eventually got up and went outside, and when I tried to follow him he just gave me the finger and told me to fuck off. Well, something inside me snapped and I slammed the patio door shut, locked it, and walked away. He started beating on the door, then tried the front door and rang the bell about a million times. I opened the patio door, then walked to the front door and told him through the window he could come in the patio. Then I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. He chased me and got to the bathroom just as I locked the door, and screamed at me. When I ventured out a few minutes later, there was a big hole where he busted the door. I’m still shaking right now, and I think he’s getting ready to leave the house for a bit but I’m not sure… I can hear him banging around downstairs.
I’ve told him if he ever touched me violently that I would walk. He hasn’t EVER, but I was really afraid just now. It’s not like I could even leave, because I’m 7,000 from home staying in his family’s house all summer in Europe. The nearest airport is 3 hours away.
Am I overreacting???
Post # 3
Wow – I would not tolerate any behavior like this. Hot headed or not. This is dangerous and scary. I cannot imagine wondering if my FI/DH were going to react to something like this – it would scare the life out of me and would be seriously stressful. I don’t have any firsthand experience with behavior like this – maybe other bees do – but my first reaction would be to go home ASAP and deal with it through counseling or mediation later (if at all). I would not want to be so far from home and be reliant on someone who behaves like this.
I hope at the very least he has cooled off and apologized. I would tell him how much he has scared you – he should know that and hopefully feel awful about it.
Post # 4
Its hard to say–To be honest alot of couples go through fights when planning a wedding it is a stressful thing but I know that talking about your feeling etc about the wedding may help. I am not sure he he was trying to hurt you or if he was just angry that you locked him out either way what he did was not acceptable but only you know for sure if u stil want to marry him..has he done this b4?
Post # 5
FI andI are like that also. But it has never gone that far as to him or I damaging something.
Could you stay at a hotel for a night or 2 until he cools off and realizes that was over the line?
Post # 6
Screaming and yelling is one thing, but being so mad that it escalates to physical violence could be a warning sign… WIthout knowing your FI, it’s hard to say if it’s a sign, or he was just upset and venting by punching a hole in the door.
I’d be worried, though. I think you should talk to him and let him know you’re worried. If he can’t acknowledge that what he did was a little over the top and comfort you, I’d talk to some friends that know him better and get their take…
Post # 7
Well he finally came upstairs to talk to me. I was expecting him to apologize, but he pretty much just suggested we call off our engagement party coming up this Saturday until we know what we want to do. NOT the reaction I was hoping for.
I told him I can’t be with someone who reacts like that. I told him I was terrified, and that I felt like a child again running from my Mom (who used to toss me around on a regular basis). Then he got mad and started yelling about how he would never lay a hand on me ever, and how could I possibly be afraid of him?? My FI is a big man – 6 feet tall and about 215 lbs of solid muscle with hands the size of dinner plates. Not to mention he used to work as a bouncer at a nightclub! If I saw him walking down the sidewalk at night and I was by myself, I would probably cross the street to avoid him. He doesn’t “get” it.
We are BOTH really stressed out… not only are we planning a wedding from 7,000 miles away, but we’re also in the homestretch of the visa process so he can immigrate to America. Literally, we’re like 10 days away from the final interview that determines our future together after 7 months of paperwork and legal fees. We’ve had a really good relationship for the most part, and even made a LDR work for 10 months. He’s NEVER done anything like this before.
It’s just so hard to talk to him. Everything I’ve ever learned about how to communicate essentially goes out the window… like saying “I feel” and “I think” instead of the whole “You did this…” makes no difference to him. He’s fluent in English, but it’s not his first language and he doesn’t understand the subtleties of speech. There are no hidden meanings in anything for him, and it’s pretty impossible to get him to understand what I want without telling him point blank. Which at times makes me look like a bitch, or a control freak, or whatever.
Thanks for the advice ladies… luckily this house is big enough that I can avoid him if I want to. I need to talk to my parents, but they’re so excited about the wedding that whenever anything isn’t perfect on my end they get all disappointed. They’re more excited than I am!
I’ll be back for an update later I guess… thanks for the advice ladies.
Post # 8
OMG…sorry I’m chiming in late on this and I hate to say it but I’m glad you called off your engagement. If my FI EVER gave me the middle finger and told me to F Off in a fit of rage…that would be it for me. I’ve been in many, many unhealthy, emotionally and mentally abusive relationships and have tolerated this in the past. And after repeating the same pattern over and over, I finally learned my lesson. You deserve to be treated like gold…keep telling yourself this.
Sounds like your FI needs some anger management therapy.
Post # 9
The bottom line for me is more your reaction than his. YOU were terrified. Which means you don’t trust him. Either you don’t trust him for good reason (because he really is dangerous) or you should trust him and you don’t. Either way… not the way to start a marriage imo. I could never marry someone that I worried might hurt me.
Post # 10
You are not overreacting. That is not acceptable behaviour for anyone more than two years old, let alone the man you are about to marry. What he said to you was bad enough (I’d have thrown the ring in his face right then), but the violence is truly frightening. I’m sorry, if he punched a hole in the door, what injury might he have done to you if the door wasn’t there? And just because he was in a pissy mood? And he doesn’t get why you’re upset and afraid? If I were you, I’d be quietly looking into re-booking your flight home RIGHT NOW. I know you’ve put a lot of time and money and heart into this relationship, but you don’t deserve to be abused. You must consider your own safety and well-being first in this case … no matter what.
Post # 11
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. If my husband did this to me, we’d be in counseling STAT. There’s no reason for him to be acting so violently. And him screaming at you that he would never lay a finger on you doesn’t exactly give me the warm and fuzzies that he wouldn’t.
Your parents may be disappointed that a wedding may not happen, but I’m sure they’d be much more disappointed if something happened to their daughter because her fiance hit her. I agree with fontgoddess – get yourself on a plane and hightail it out of there.
Post # 12
I’m of two minds here. As @CorgiTales said, you were terrified. And that right there is your spidey sense trying to tell you something. Make sure you at the very least explore why you would be so scared and take that seriously.
On the other hand, you locked him out of the house for having a fight with you. Yes, he mouthed off. No, that still wasn’t justified. He may be behaving badly, but you are feeding into it as well. He’s not operating in a vacuum here.
The two of you are making a bad combination right now for whatever reason. And I don’t know if it’s always been this way or this is a new thing for you. But no matter what the reason it’s not healthy. If this is the day to day reality of your relationship, then you need to think about whether you’re okay for the rest of your life this way. If this is a recent thing brought on by stress, then you two need to find a more productive way to handle these situations.
And here’s a personal note that you can feel free to ignore, since I’m clearly overstepping my bounds now. In my mind, if you’re thinking seriously about calling it off, you should go ahead and follow through with that. Call it off. Every time I’ve thought about that but ignored it and gone through with a relationship (including a marriage, I’m not proud here) I end up wishing I’d followed my instincts and called it off.
Post # 13
@Encore: thanks so much for the reality check… I feel that’s the the most honest response I’ve ever gotten on here! This fighting is a new thing for us, but we do argue often. I think my fear stems from the fact that I’ve been abused by a lot of people who have said they loved me, and it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a reflex.
To everyone else, thank you so much for responding. We ended up having a good talk and making up, but then this morning we were right back to be irritated with each other. Actuallly, I was ticked off about something completely unrelated to him, but he thought I was being nasty to HIM. Even though I explained I wasnt. He just left for work now, and essentially told me he doesn’t think we’re ever going to get better. I did everything I could to try and cheer him up, but it’s no use. I really, REALLY want to talk to my family right now, but they’re back in the States and it’s 7am there.
This isn’t the first time we’ve considered re-evaluating our relationship, but it’s the first time he wasn’t open to discussion. I’m just exhausted by this. And to make things worse, my dress just came in YESTERDAY and our invitations went out this week. We’re traveling to Oslo next week for his visa interview, and I’m considering changing my flight to leave next week. I feel terrible because we’ve come this far. His family is AMAZING and so special, and if we call off the wedding they’re losing about $5,000 in plane tickets. Even WORSE, I’ve cleaned out my savings to sponsor his immigration visa and have taken an entire summer off work to be with him in Europe. So I think I have about $250 to my name, when just 7 or 8 months ago I had about $7,000. We had plans to move to NYC for work, and now I’ve spent all my savings. He was going to pay for everything – moving costs, new apartment, living expenses while we’re finding jobs – when we got there. The last time we fought, he offered to give me the equivalent of about $3,200 as a sort of payback, but I told him that was ridiculous. Now it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Help… I just don’t know… 🙁
Post # 14
Dont be afraid of postponing or cancelling the wedding. BUT if you do I would seek some sort of premarital counseling to deal with the anger issues and to teach both of you how to communicate in a way that is healthy.
Obviously, flipping someone off and telling them to “eff off” isn’t a great form of communication but neither is locking someone out (which only escalates the anger of the former person). (I think everyone, save a few saints, are guilty of doing something like this).
You guys love each other…otherwise you wouldnt be on the journey to get married. That journey causes stress and sometimes irrational thinking. So breathe, and maybe mention to him the desire to get help for both of you. As our premarital couselor said, “Go about it in a way that is non-threatening. Instead of saying, ‘You make me so terrified and upset.’ say, ‘I am feeling upset and scared. Would you be willing to do X to help me not feel this way.”
There is hope 🙂 But I am glad you have the attitude of walking if he gets physical with you.
Post # 15
Um to me it sounds like he already got physical – punching doors and making holes is a physical expression of anger. Anger that he cannot control enough to not hit inanimate objects.
The bottom line is this
– do you honestly think it will get better. He has already said it will not.
– can you live like this? You or him have a bad day at work and suddenly he is tearing up the house and you are locked in the bathroom crying? I could not live like this.
I usually end up being the hot-head in my relationship but my fiance has never become in any way aggressive towards me. The last fight we got into we fought for approximately 10 minutes and he got mad and went and mowed the yard while I cleaned the bathroom to blow off steam. There was never any sort of violence towards each other and we both retreated to our respective corners to cool off. What you are telling us about is not normal or healthy in a relationship.
I would call it off. Cut your losses and leave.