Post # 1
So it’s me again…with more ex-boyfriend advice/venting needed.
Since my last posts I have worked very hard on moving on…I rented a studio apartment and am moving my stuff this week out of our apartment. I have stayed in minimal contact with my ex, mainly about moving and our last mutual bills that we have to make arrangements to split. I ultimately feel better MOST days..I’m starting a new job on Wednesday and I know that will be a good distraction to throw myself into and I’ve upgraded from sleeping on my brother’s couch for 2 weeks to a friend’s spare bedroom. I’ve went out a few times and had some fun…I’ve gotten drunk and didn’t cry over him or send any crazy drunk texts. I’ve scheduled to go to the gym 4 times this week, I’ve went shopping, and made plans for my best friend to spend the weekend with me in April. I have a lot to look forward to and I’m trying hard to be happy without this guy…but I still miss him very much. I still WANT to make it work with him…even if it required several months apart for us to get our shit together and work on our personal issues.
The past few days have been exceptionally hard. We have to divide up our cell phone bill so that I can be off of his contract. He is been pressuring me for days to meet up with him to take care of this and I’ve been incredibly busy and haven’t had time. I can tell he is irritated because he thinks I am stalling on this matter….and I partially am because aside from me moving and handing him the keys, this is the last thing that ties us together 🙁 I agreed to meet him today after we bickered through text yesterday on the day and time. He says that I am not compromising but I don’t feel like I should have to change my plans. We hvae until the 15th when our billing cycle ends and he has badgered me almost every day. So after our little text discussion yesterday, he kind of became a little emotional towards me once we settled the argument. Him being honest and emotional was out of the blue and I hate to admit, I didn’t take it very well. He basically started off by saying that if I met someone else that my new guy better treat me beyond perfect and better than he did or he will hurt him. That I deserved the best. Then went on to say that it broke his heart and destroyed him to think of me with anyone else. I didn’t respond. Then he said this was an roundabout attempt for him to tell me he still loves me, he only wants the best for me and he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He acknowledged that it was selfish to think that way. So I wrote back a little broken down, I said that I still loved him too and wished I didn’t because it would make it so much easier to let him go. He agreed. Then I said I had to move on..that I don’t want to but I can’t think about in 2 months or 6 months or whenever in the future, finding out that he is dating someone else with me still here in the same spot…in love with him. He said that wasn’t going to happen, there wasn’t anyone else for him and he can’t let go. That in 2 months or 6 months or whenever, that he is still going to be here in love with me. But if I am letting go of him, he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing by hanging on. Then we go back and forth, me saying how I can’t make sense of what he wants…that he says he wishes me the best and this “new guy” in my future better treat me well but yet he doesn’t want me to be with anyone else and hasn’t fought for me to not move on. He basically said he still has a connection with me that he can’t explain and he shouldn’t have brough it up and he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and that he just wanted to let me know he still cares. End of conversation.
I feel like an idiot that I was sucked back in…I know it’s like a golden rule to not get all desperate and emotional to an ex because that’s what they want, to know you still care and still love them. But every time he gets emotional (this is the 3rd time he’s been honest with his emotions to me in the month we have broken up) then I lose my mind and just want to convince him I’m still here. Today we met up for the phone plan briefly but ended up having to cancel because the line was extremely long. We are meeting tomorrow. I made sure I looked really pretty and I tried to act normal…our past interactions have been awkward and I have been mean and bitter towards him. So this time it was weird…he hugged me when I walked up to him…we talked for a few mins and he hugged me before he left. When I looked him in the eyes he looked so sad…almost like he could cry. All I wanted to do was hug him tight and then shake him and tell him to just fight for me. I cried the whole way home…I just miss him so much. <br /><br />
I am still working on moving on…I still don’t expect us to get back together…I can’t let my mind think that and I know that time is my best friend right now. I am trying to enjoy my life, but there’s always that feeling deep in my heart that I wish it would work out. He’s my best friend…and I keep having this feeling that we are going to work it out one day. It may just be a feeling…but I’ve never felt this way before. I just needed to vent bees…I miss this guy. Any encouragement or advice for this sad heart is appreciated tonight. xoxo -Lauren
Post # 2
Oh, my let me start off by saying I’m sorry nobody responded to you! Secondly, just live your life and you’re right, time heals most everything. At this point, he is just being manipulative. Maybe not on purpose, but by not giving you a straight answer, he is being manipulative. Maybe he does love you still. But as the old saying goes, if you love something, set it free. I think you both need to do some soul searching alone for a few months. Date other people even. You are broken up. He doesn’t have the right to guilt you into not dating anyone in the hopes that maybe you’ll end up together. You need some time apart, and if you come back to each other after being apart, then you were really meant to be together. However, if you’re arguing this much without even being married, things usually only go down from there. I hope you heal, and things improve! *HUGS!*<br />
Post # 3
alpinebride: +1 to every.single.word.
Seriously, at this point he is being a manipulative little shit (sorry). If he TRULY didn’t want you to date other guys he’d get his act together and win you back. He’s not doing that so all you have is words. And words don’t cost any effort. He says that he doesn’t wnat to be without you but he is not getting his act together he is not fighting for you…basically he’s hoping you’ll hang around while he gets his own shit done and still be waiting when he’s ready. I don’t think so!
Every single thing he is doing is exactly what my ex did when he broke up with me. Exactly. He didn’t want me to move on but if I did the “Guy better appreciate how lucky he is” and on and on. I made the mistake of not blocking him and letting him continue to contact me. It drove me insane. His actions (hooking up with another girl almost immediately) did not reflect his texts and I was trying so hard to figure out what his deal was. What I learned was he was afraid to let me go. He had been with me for two years and he knew me. I was familiar, I was comfortable.
I ended up having to leave college for a week because I eventualyl had a breakdown after 9 months of mixed messages (we met up over winter break and slept together, he told me he loved me and only wanted me, went back to her….it’s a long and sordid story). I just can’t help wishing that I could somehow save you from wasting so much time like I did on a guy who doesn’t feel like getting his shit together.
Post # 4
I read your previous posts. The whole “will-we-or-won’t-we get back together” is completely typical, and just about everybody experiences it (there’s a reason why Taylor Swift wrote a song about, lol!). Moving on and finding somebody new is intimidating and scary. You feel lonely. Pretty soon, getting back together with someone familiar and safe seems like the best option. If you do get back together, it quickly becomes apparent why you broke up in the first place. I didn’t read everything very carefully, but it sounds like you are both nice people, you just want different things. Wanting different things is a dealbreaker, to me. A couple is a team that works together. When you find someone who shares your goals, everything will flow more easily and naturally.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
I say, try to hold in your mind the reasons it ended in the first place. Trust me, those reasons still exist no matter what he sweet things he says in a cheap text message. Don’t get back together unless you see evidence of REAL change and wait a while. See how you feel and see if he’s still all sweetness and love in a few months. If you’re really the only girl for him, as he says, then he’ll wait a few months for you no problem.
Also, cut regular contact ASAP. There is no way you can get your head around the break up if he’s still texting you sweet things all the time. He’s just trying to keep you on the hook and stop you dating other people without serious intentions to change and win you back.
Just to share my personal experience: I broke up with a guy after about 2.5 years of dating. It went from a wonderful relationship to him just taking me for granted and treating me like his maid, having me pay his bills (yes, I was an idiot). I finally got the courage to break it off and the same stuff happened. Sweet messages, emails etc. even presents. Sad to say, he convinced me to give it another try…..three, yes, three short days later, it was back to the same old shit. That was a huge wake-up call and that time I kicked him to the curb and didn’t look back (and blocked him from facebook/email etc). I’m now married to a great guy who would never treat me like that.
TL:DR Texts and words are cheap, it’s action and change that counts. Don’t confuse the two and get back into a bad situation and don’t waste your time on someone that’s not worth it.
Post # 6
I’m almost 50 and have been through the ringer in relationships. I’ve seen this a lot. He’s not into it. Period. He’s feeling ambivalent about giving up a sure thing (a girl who is nuts for him) for an unsure thing. He is not ready to let go of this branch until he has another one to grab onto. But trust me, the instant he has another branch to grab onto, he will. He’ll let go of you and never look back. Move on. Cease all contact. This relationship was really such a small fraction of your life so far. A very small fraction. Let go and move forward.
I noticed you keep telling yourself that he is having *honest and emotional* moments with you that are confusing you. He is being honest. Listen to what he is really telling you. He’s saying *I don’t want to commit but I don’t want to give you up and I know that’s selfish*.
Post # 7
This is a classic guy behaviour, the case where he wants to keep his foot in the door because he has nothing else lined up and he knows you’re a sucker for him, no insult intended.
I’ve been where you are and I was an IDIOT and let him screw with my head on and off for YEARS. We’d go months without talking, run into each other at a mutual friends event and he’d make his move and see if he could still have me. Once he had my attention, he’d back off and we’d go months without talking. Repeat that a few times. It was the most painful break-up because he kept me hanging on. Take our advice and cut ties with him completely.
When you meet the kind of guy that’s right for you, you’ll look back and wonder why you accepted this, I promise!