Thank you card confusion. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How many thank you cards TOTAL did you buy for your wedding??
    100 : (10 votes)
    50 %
    200 : (8 votes)
    40 %
    250 : (2 votes)
    10 %
    300 : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    For me personally, any gift receieved, or act, will receive a thank you card. There is some debate around here, with some women feeling that simply showing up to your wedding does not require a thank you card. Others (like myself) disagree.  I think of it this way–if I invite 50 guests, and 30 send gifts but don’t come, and 20 come, but don’t send a gift, who actually made my wedding memorable?  Kind of hard to dance the night awat with a KitchenAid mixer, isn’t it?

    So, if you came to my shower, I’ve sent you a card.

    If you sent me a gift in advance, I will send you a card as soon as I recieve it.  

    If you came to my wedding and brought a gift, i will send you a card thanking you for coming and for the gift.

    If you came to my wedding with no gift, I send you a card to thank you for taking time out of your busy life to celebrate with me (because no one is obligated to attend my wedding).


    Also, depending on the style of your TY cards, you can always continue to use them after the wedding. I am having momgramed note cards designed that we will use as TY cards for the wedding (I have others to use until we get those), but we will also use them at christmas, to thank people for hosting us for dinner, etc etc.  I really think you can never have too many thank you cards.

    Post # 5
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    @maybride53114:  I started a thread earlier today about TY card strategies. There are some good tips in there.

    Post # 6
    3217 posts
    Sugar bee

    @maybride53114:  Lots of people send thanks for coming notes, but beware that to some guests this will be seen as fishing for gifts.  You will have thanked your guests 2 times at least (one by hosting them at the reception, two by speaking to them at the reception).  How many times do you thank someone before it becomes “no….really…..for reals this time… this time I mean it… was great to see you.

    If you are not a person who normally thanks guests via a formal note for coming to your dinner party, then I wouldn’t use your wedding as the platform to start such a trend.

    If you are such a person, then go for it.  Who doesn’t like getting mail?


    Post # 7
    2047 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I didnt have a shower so I’m not in same position… but if I had one… I would only send thank you cards to the ones who gave a gift or a card.

    At the wedding we had many people not even give us so much as a card…. like an empty one…. but there have been a few trickling through the mail this week….so Im only sending thank yous to those who gifted or gave at least a card (no cash or anything) because others may be sending us something in the near future and then I’ll have to double TY card them which would be awkward lol.

    PLus sending a thank you card for attending can be seen as “fishing for a gift you didnt get”…..

    We spent money on each guest sending invitations, the cost of each person to be at the reception (6 course meal, open bar, cocktail hour food and late night food)…. if someone didnt give us so much as a 0.50 card from dollarama as a congrats….Im not sending them a thank you simply for showing up. I thanked everyone for coming at the reception lol (verbally)…


    Post # 8
    11614 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I sent thank you cards as soon as I got the gift.  I did not send thank you cards for guests who did not bring gifts, as the reception was the thank you for attending the ceremony.  I don’t need to send thank you cards for people who did not give gifts, because doing so would seem gift-grabby (as if I was pointing out that they didn’t bring a gift).  If they send the gift five months in advance, send the thank you card then, and that’s that.  You’d send another thank you card if they brought another gift to the wedding.

    I sent shower thank you cards immediately after the shower, and referenced the shower, not the wedding.  If they did not bring gifts to the wedding, then I did not send a thank you card (see reasoning above). 

    I ordered 150 thank you cards for approximately the same number of guests – I have a bunch left over, but they were generic thank you cards that I just use all the time now anyway.  

    Post # 9
    2047 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    oh also….just so you know when calculating how many of ___ to buy, couples and families usually recieve one per family unit. Ie: I sent out 90 “invites” but 185 people were basically invited, because of 2-3, and even 5 people family units.

    We ended up with a 130 person wedding and we had 24 people attend that didnt give anything at all…. so there’s only about 50 thank you cards going out from the actual wedding. We did have a lot of family and family friends send gifts who didnt attend/nor were some invited lol…I will be sending them cards!

    Post # 10
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee

    I find it interesting that so many people think a card that says


    “Dear Jennifer,


    We just wanted to drop you a note to tell you how wonderful it was to see you at the wedding, and how grateful we are that you shared in our day with us.  Friends and family are everything to us, and your presence made our night complete.  We hope to see you soon, and look forward to getting together once we return from our honeymoon.




    SeaSalt and BlackPepper”


    as gift grabby!?


    If I got a card like that in the mail, I wouldn’t feel that someone was fishing for gifts at all. If anything, i would feel they were simply thrilled I was with them, and appreciated me regardless of whether I forked out for a gift or not.


    Post # 14
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    You do not have to send a thank you for coming note. A gift = thank you note. period. BUT you should do separate notes for shower and wedding gifts (I actually used a different kind of card for the shower thank yous vs the wedding thank yous). We ordered 250 thank yous for a ~130 person wedding/200 invited (since those who can’t come sometimes also send gifts). Ours are cards we can use again so I’m not concerned with having extras.

    Post # 16
    1318 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I am truly shocked that so many Bees only send wedding thank you cards to those who brought a gift.


    I sent tank you cards to every person who attended my shower and wedding (no one sent any gifts ahead of time. Had they done so, I would send them a thank you for the gift when I received it AND a thank you for celebrating my special day). I did not exclude those who did not bring a gift to my shower or wedding.


    For those who did not bring a gift I simply wrote “Thank you so much for sharing in our special day. We are so happy you could make it!” (or something along those lines). I don’t see that as gift grabby at all.

    ETA: My mother raised me to send a thank you when you appreciate something someone does for you. Whether they send a gift, make a visit when you are sick, or help you beyond what you could ever ask, they deserve a thank you. To only send a thank you if you get a gift seems gift grabby to me.




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