Weddingbee boards

Since we're kind of on a gift topic anyway I thought I'd ask.  I had quite a few wedding guests give us nothing at all.  Some are close friends that did give a gift at my shower and others did not attend the shower.  Do I wait a year for them to possibly send a gift then send a note, send them no note, or send them a thank you note that just says, "thanks for attending the wedding"?  I know that one of the guests is under the impression that you don't give a wedding gift if you've also given a shower gift.  Is that true?

As suggested by many readers and bees, we pre-addressed thank you card envelopes as RSVP’s came in. Not only did it make writing thank you notes seem less daunting, but a lot faster as well. Because of this, we found that there were a handful of envelopes, with not matching gifts. We still wrote “thank you for attending and celebrating with us” thank you notes. 

I read some responses and am ashamed to see that some brides are expectant of gifts, that brides are bitter when they don’t receive one. A wedding is a celebration of the life commitment you are making together as a couple. When you invite people to your wedding, you are the hostess of an event. It is a nice gesture to bring a gift but NOT required. As a hostess, it should be that their mere presence is all that you are asking for. A note of thanks for celebrating with you, and how nice it was to see them is a genuine note of gratitude, regardless of the gift.

Yes there is appropriate etiquette for writing a thank you card for gifts received, but notes of thanks should be sent out of appreciation, not etiquette. It’s ok to thank your guests for more than just gifts. I thanked people for helping cut the cake, for traveling so far, for taking care of elderly guests and giving them a ride, and for their infectious celebration attitudes.

Please remember as a bride. Be grateful. Gifts are not expected, or required, nor should they be. Also remember other etiquettes, that it is rude to put registry information in an invitation. Why you ask? Because then it tells the guest that they are only welcome with a gift. That a gift is expected.

Cards filled with gratitude are always ok. No matter what you are grateful for.

If you read my original post akehurt you can see that I'm not bitter or ungrateful.  I'm just stating facts and asking questions.  I think it's perfectly fine to use this forum to ask questions without getting lectures.  I don't need to be reminded to be a grateful bride.

skiv - actually I didn't think you were bitter, I thought you had an honest question. I was refering to other posts on this and other questions that recently came up. I'm apologize if you misinterpreted my post and you thought it was a lecture. I admit it may be a bit of a soapbox, but only because I hear so many brides refer to what they are entitled to and what is expected. My response was not necessarily an answer to your question, but a reflection on the attitudes of our culture and of many brides. I apologize for offending. That was not my intent at all.

I'm going to switch gears and address the shower gift/wedding gift question. I am not getting married for about a year, so I can only tell you what I have heard from others and done myself as a wedding guest. Just in case it matters, I live in the South.

I was a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding. Though I did not throw a shower for her myself, I attended every shower thrown for her (3, I believe). I took a small personal gift to each one. I did not take a gift to the wedding. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Neither does she. Nor will I when it's my turn.

My fiance's sister got married this past May. She had a total of eight (eight!) showers thrown for her. I attended about five of them. I took a gift to all but one shower, and I did not take a gift to the wedding. I was even encouraged by her mother (my FMIL) not to give more than one gift total, but I chose to give her four (again, small but personal).

A couple years ago, I attended a wedding but had not been able to attend showers to which I had been invited prior to the event. I took a gift. This summer my fiance and I attended a wedding for a couple who had not invited us to any showers beforehand. We took a gift.

I don't feel it necessary to give more than one marriage gift, regardless of when they are given. Maybe it is regional, but I've always understood that the only people who brought gifts to the actual weddings were those who did not come to showers. When I get married next year, I certainly will not have expectations for more than one gift total from each party, regardless of when it is given.

Gracielou, I'm with ya! Honestly, before my FSIL's engagement, I was under the impression that people had one - maaaaaybe two - showers, not eight! She and her fiance had all these different "types" of showers thrown... a shower for each side of her family (and his), a lingerie shower, some church showers, a "pantry stocking" shower, and a couples' shower. Madness, I tell ya! I attended as many as I did because we're close... I'm marrying her big brother, so she's kind of like a little sis to me already. I just hope we don't have that many showers thrown for us. That was just too much. Could you imagine the thank you notes? Oh my word... poor girl. Okay, I'm rambling... I guess the point is that her case was a bit extreme. However, I am noticing more and more couples inviting the same guests to multiple showers. I don't like showing up empty handed, but I don't believe you should be forced into bringing a gift to every shower that's thrown in the couple's honor either.