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I went to a bridal shower this weekend, and many of the older ladies there were discussing the declining art of thank you cards. They went on for roughly 20 minutes about how it seems that "brides now a days" don't send thank you cards after a wedding. It seemed like everyone there had been "slighted" by someone in the last year or two.
I plan on doing thank you cards, I always send TYs and usually bring hostess gifts. But the conversation at the bridal shower made me think about other weddings I have attended recently. In the past two years I have been a guest at six weddings. I have received two thank you cards. TWO! I received a TY card for all six showers, but only two wedding gifts. Since I received a TY for all the showers, and not weddings I starting wondering why. I figured that the shower is a gift giving event and warrants a TY card, but maybe brides feel like inviting people to the wedding and feeding them and giving them drinks and a parting gift "favor" is thank you enough? I would have never stopped to think about it this whole thing if the shower guests weren't discussing it.
So how about it, Bees? Is the thank you card turning into something of the past, like the formal RSVP card (it's becoming common to RSVP online or by phone)?
Or is this just a coincidence?
I think a lot of people dont do them because they forget or dont care i guess.
FH NEVER EVER sends thank you cards not sure why, maybe because his mom didnt drill it into him like mine did? or because hes lazy and doesnt take the time?
My family if you dont get a thank you you no longer get gifts so my TY's go out ASAP normally within a week the max 2 weeks. normally they are written but its the damn stamps that take me forever because i dont ever mail anything so i never have them!
You actually bring up a very good point about Wedding TY cards vs. Shower. I never thought about it that way until reading your post. Your guests are acknowledging your marriage by buying a gift and in return you are providing them with food and beverage, favors, etc. a night of fun. So maybe a TY card isn't really necessary.
But regardless people expect them and like the ladies you spoke to, people get really mad when they don't get one in a timely fashion which is the main reason why I am donig them.
I'm doing thank yous for everything. It's a total pain, but I think people really do appreciate it. I think a lot of couples don't do it because life just gets in the way. But yes, I haven't gotten a lot of thank you cards in the last couple years either. I hadn't remebered that until I sat back to think about it. Strange indeed. But I guess I don't feel all that slighted though. It does make me wonder if they actually received my gift though.
I think you should expect a thank you from both the shower and wedding. I know I will be doing TY's for the wedding, I've already sent all mine out from the shower! It's such a nice thing to do, I don't think I've ever not smiled when I get a thank you card in the mail, they are just simple, nice things to do, that show that you care as much about the person your thanking as they care about you.
I am doing thank yous. . I wonder about TYs that I didn't receive. I think esp. for older people, it's very rude not to send one. I think that brides just get overwhelmed after the wedding, they get put off, and then people think it's too late to send them
After we had our son, this happened to me. I ended up sending thank yous when he was about 3 months old. major opps. I also never sent one to an old coworker whose address i didn't have... I'm still guilty about that.
Of course we're doing TYs. They might take a little while since we haven't recieved our cards yet, and we want to take photos of us using our new household items, but we plan to get them out before the two month mark.
I'm definitely doing them... like a PP said, in my family it is definitely expected and my mom drilled it into me at a young age. My mom will probably call me everyday after the wedding saying "did you do your TY cards yet?" until she gets hers in the mail and hears from my grandmother that she received hers lol.
My wedding is Nov. 27, and I really like sending out Christmas cards... So I have a huge time crunch deadline because I have to get out my TYs in time to still get my Xmas cards out before Christmas!
I have done thank you cards for both our shower and the wedding. I personally found it very rude when i didn't receive them from friends for their weddings. and yes i does make me wonder if they even received my gift.
for future brides, i definitely recommend figuring out the thank you card situation before your wedding. buy them before your shower for your shower, and figure out what you want as a wedding thank you card so you can prepare before the time comes.
Personally, (and this may sound a bit harsh but it's my feelings on the matter) I think it is pure laziness and a sense of entitlement when brides don't send out thank you card for both the wedding and the shower. Despite the fact the etiquette states that when you attend a wedding, you bring a gift, no one HAS to get you anything and to not be willing to spend 3 minutes to write someone a nice note to thank them for their generousity and thinking of you is simply rude.
I'm offended when I don't recieve thank yous after I've attended a wedding and I sure hope that thank you cards do not go by the wayside in the future.
its a generation thing. Every women in my family over the age of 60 thinks thank you cards are absolutely required for every gift; be it wedding, birthday, xmas, etc.
however, i have attened several weddings as well where i either didnt get a thank you at all, or didnt get one for 6 months or later. For me, I hardly noticed or cared. However, if this happened to my mom/aunt/grannie...they would bitch and moan about it non stop for months. I think the tradition will eventually fade away, which makes me a little sad since stationary is so beautiful and there really isnt anything as personal as a hand-written note. Oh well!
I will definitely be sending thank-yous for both the shower and the wedding. Although, I'm also in the habit of sending them out after Christmas and my birthday.
Almost everyone I know is doing / has done them. I even got a thank you note for just attending a wedding, not even giving a gift (I know, I'm bad...I was a poor student! :) ). The one time I did not get a thank you note was when I gave a gift at a wedding with 450 guests, and I was a close friend of the bride. I think she figured she could skip my note.
@TwinkleToesJMU: I really don't see it as a generational thing - I'm 23 and writing thank you notes isn't even a question in my mind. It is what you do and is the proper response to being given gifts. I also expect to see them when I attend weddings.
I am actually working on my TY's from my shower this morning.
I have gone to 4 destination weddings in the last two years, and we have gone to extreme expense to go to these weddings of our close friends, along with their showers, home receptions etc...and we have not gotten thank you notes....While I dont think you *have* to send ty's for simply attending, I think (especially) at a destination wedding where people go above and beyond to be there, it is a really nice thing to do. Still waiting on ty's from all the shower/wedding gifts....and very annoyed about it. Did they get the gift? Did the card fall off? I want to know they at least received it!!!
And the shower/wedding presents are a must for TY's...even if you don't send a note to every guest to thank them for coming, at least let them know that you got the present, the card didnt get lost and you know that they brought you a present!
@Mrs.KMM: Agreed. I'm definitely doing them! I find it rude when I don't get one after a wedding or shower. I found it especially rude this one time two friends and I threw a shower for a girl we know whose family wasn't doing one, and she only said thanks really casually on facebook.
I've heard a couple times now how older ladies assume that younger brides and women just don't do thank you cards. That always makes me a little grumpy. Like they may have known one or two brides that didn't do thank yous...so all new brides must be like that. I don't think not sending out thank you's is a new way of doing things, it's just the result of a lazy bride/groom. I was diligent about mine, both for the shower and the wedding.
My reception is in 7 weeks and the gifts have started to come in. Each day when I get home from work I write the thank yous for the gifts that have arrived that day and mail them the next day. When it gets a little closer and we may have days with many gifts (large wedding) DH will start helping out.
There is no way around it. Not writing thank you notes is awful.
Writing thank you notes is my least favorite chore, but it really is the very least that you can do for someone that took the time to buy you a gift or attend your shower/wedding. There is really no excuse except for laziness for not doing it- and in a timely manner.
I don't know who these people are that think giving someone a meal means that you are exempt from sending a thank you, but they definitely did not grow up in my family. It was drilled into me from a young age that you should always send thank yous for presents, or when someone does something nice for you (invites you to a dinner party, watches your pets on vacation, etc). That part of etiquette is always going to be followed as far as I'm concerned.
I sent TY notes within 2 weeks for my shower and definitely plan on sending wedding TY notes as well.
They are not common in my family but I like to send them for WR things. I do not send TY notes for Christmas or Birthdays. For some reason I just feel that wedding gifts warrant a note, but Christmas presents don't. Maybe because everyone gets Christmas presents?
Receiving a gift = note of thanks. Birthday's, Anniversary's, wedding's. Maybe not Christmas because gift giving is usually reciprocal at Christmas.
Maybe for a bday, a phone call will suffice??
Part of our frustration as brides (like with RSVP's), is our generation's (in particular), lack of etiquette. Or the view that some of these things are unnecessary. When someone does something thoughtful or nice for you, they deserve a thank you, IMO.
eta: My shower was on Sunday, August 15, I had my thank you's in the mail on Tuesday, August 17.
I plan on doing them for sure! I don't look forward to doing them, but they will be done! :-)
Well said, Ms. Charisma. "Part of our frustration as brides (like with RSVP's), is our generation's (in particular), lack of etiquette."
I plan on sending a Thank you card for everything. I might do something similar to my graduation Thank Yous and have the goal to have all the thank you's out before using the gift or depositing the check.
thank you cards are not an option.
when i was younger it was drilled into my head that you write a thank you for every gift you receive. every single one. and if you don't write a thank you, mom will tell that person you wouldn't do it and no more gifts for you.
for my wedding, i plan on addressing the thank you envelopes as i get rsvp cards. then when i open their gift, i write the thank you, and put it in the envelope right then and there. may take a bit longer to open all the gifts, but it's motivation to get it done.
I will be writing thank you notes and have always written thank you cards. I think it is beyond rude for a bride and groom not to send thank you's.
Of course we will be sending thank yous for wedding gifts! I think all wedding related events need thank you notes.
For other occasions (birthdays, christmas), I only send a thank you note if I didn't open the gift and say thank you in person.
I'm definitely doing TYs for the both the shower & the wedding. Thank you cards were probably the last lesson my Mom really drilled into me before heading off to college - she made sure I sent a note to everyone who got me a gift for graduation. I think thank yous are the least a couple can do for people who took time out of their lives and probably spent some money on transportation and lodging to come to the wedding, on top of a physical gift.
Being a southern girl myself, I have always written thank you cards - for birthday present, for a good deed, etc. Of the 4 weddings I've attended this year, I have only received 1 TY card. I'm appalled! I think that the advent of virtual forums has contributed to the decline of real mail. I remember one of those weddings (of which I did not receive a thank you card), we had a bookmark at our place setting, that was messaged with a thank you note from the bridegroom. That does not count...
@Ms_Charisma: Great job getting your TYs done. A two day turn around is impressive :)
I will def. be sending ty notes !!! I think it's a great thing to do to show apperciatioin to the person that gave you the gift .
I will def. be doing thank you cards for everything. My gma is a stickler for them so it has been drilled into me! About 3-4 days after my sisters wedding she started looking for a thank you card and calling my Aunt to see if she had gotten one yet. I had to explain that she was on her honeymoon and would get to it when they got back! I think people like confirmation that gifts they sent/money made it safely to the right place!
i'm still working on ours..being gone for nearly a month doesn't help - i feel bad, but they start looking sloppy if I do too many in one sitting. i'm prioritizing them though - older guests that are more likely to care about cards first, those that gave checks, family friends, family, and then our friends, who are least likely to care about a "late" thank you card. hopefully this works out okay!
i've never been to a wedding where I didn't get a TY later, but I have heard from a bride who had NO plans to send any out. She was griping about how her guests were upset about not getting one, as if they were in the wrong. :P
@moderndaisy:The reception isn't a thank you for the gifts your guests bring you (because they're not required to bring you anything), the reception is a thank you for your guests taking the time out of their lives to witness your wedding and celebrate with you. That's how they are acknowledging it, the gift isn't an "acknowledgement", it's a gift. Therefore, if you get any gifts you certainly still send a thank you card.
i sent TY cards for my wedding but not for my bridal shower!! :(
I have been to 5 weddings last year and only recieved 2 TY cards but the thing is before I got married, I would have never thought to recieve TY cards. The things you learn when you get married =p
I will definitely be doing thank you cards! I have already started on them!!
Well, I'm a stationery freak, so yes, definitely!! But in terms of etiquette, I think that one should always send a thank-you card, especially for gifts, whether it's a wedding, birthday, baby, housewarming etc. And I believe in sending them just for attending the wedding!
Maybe that makes me an old fart, but I really think that you owe it to someone to a) let them know how much you appreciate them AND the gift and b) that you at least received the gift. It's sad that I too have gotten fewer thank-you cards than I have given gifts--I'm not specifically offended by it; it's more that I love getting mail!
Yes, I absolutely will!
I was at my cousin's baby shower, and my table was discussing how as a group, we should give her the gift of telling her NOT to send thank you notes. As a new mom soon, she will have ZERO time for thank you notes. (There were 55 people, mind you!).
Agree that it's not really a generational thing. I'm 25 and it has been drilled into my head to send TY cards for any and every occasion. I'll be doing them...as painful as it may be. I just try to remember that it's really nice to be on the receiving end of a TY card--makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)
@moderndaisy: Are you kidding me? You seriously think that your reception is a thank you for gifts you get from your guests? Your reception is your thank you to your guests for coming to your wedding. You know, they could be doing other things (and maybe wish they were) but they decided to support YOU instead. These are the people who have stuck by you through many things ... watched you grow up, were there for you, helped you out somehow along the way. Your reception is your way of thanking them for being there no matter what. They take time out to support you and your marriage and feeding them is your way of thanking them for being there for you!
Your guests are under NO OBLIGATION to give you a gift.
Of course thank you cards should be written for ALL gifts you receive. Shower, wedding, baby, birthday, etc.
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