Post # 1
I had a couple of guests attend our wedding without gifts, which is totally fine as we didn’t want people to feel like they had to get us anything and made it clear on our website. But now it’s time for thank yous and I’ve heard conflicting things. <br />One of them took the day off work and helped so much with set-up, etc. Her help was a huge blessing, as was her taking time off (she’s an hourly employee) and her help was among my favorite gifts so it’s easy to write her a heartfelt message and I am definitely sending her a card of thanks.
The other person is the widow of a relative who didn’t bring a card or gift (or if she did, it got stolen; ironically, she’s a wealthy lawyer, not a struggling young person, and my parents were pretty surprised she came without even a card or note). She came in from a city about 3 hours away so she might not have felt it necessary, but I guess the lack of a good wishes card was the bigger surprise. <br /><br />Now I personally feel I should send a thank you for her presence at the wedding, as does my mom, but one of my friends thinks this seems passive agressive and that I shouldn’t send her a thank you as those are only people who brought gifts. But if she did give something and it went missing, I’d hate for her to think I never thanked her. Plus I am glad she came and want her to know that I appreciate it. So I am a little perplexed.
Post # 2
I sent thank you cards to everyone, gift or not. I wanted to thank them again for coming and celebrating with us.
Post # 3
Cordellia: don’t listen to your friend. be the bigger person and send a thank you regardless of a gift or not.
Post # 4
I always understood Thank-you’s as being for presence, not for presents.
Post # 5
Cordellia: I think it would be extreme for someone to assume that a thank you card was sent in a passive agressive capacity!! I agree with you and PPs – send her a thank you for making the trip and coming to celebrate your big day with you. I’m sure it would be appreciated 🙂
Post # 6
urchin: ooh I like that!
Personal notes are always nice to receive. send a thank you for making my day more special because you were there note.
Post # 7
Cordellia: Your friend is correct. It is not proper etiquette to send a thank you note to a guest just for attending your wedding. The reception is your “thank you” to your guests for attending your ceremony. I know you mean well, but it does come across as fishing for a gift.
I would absolutely send the gift to the friend who helped set up, however. Her gift was her labor.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
technically the big party with free food and drink is your guests’ thank you for coming to the wedding. I think it’s nice to send a thank you note if you want, but not necessary. (except for the person who helped all day, of course send her one!) I intended to think everyone who attended, but after writing 100 notes I called it good and skipped the few guests who didn’t bring gifts.
Post # 9
Cordellia: you must send a thank you to every guest, whether they came with a gift or empty handed. THey took the time out of their day to be there for you.
Post # 10
“Thank you so much for traveling to see us and celebrating our wedding! We loved having you there, and hope we can see you more often.”
Post # 11
Cordellia: According to Miss Manners, you should only write thank you cards for people (whether they’ve attended your wedding or not) who gave you a gift. Writing thank you cards for guests who attended, but did not give a gift, can give the appearance of solicating for, or shaming them into a gift. The reception is already a “thank you” for all who have attended.
Post # 12
I struggled with this myself, but in the end I did end up just writing thank you’s to those who gave gifts or cards. I did think that the free food, drinks, party, cake and take home goodie bags (that said “thank you” on them) were enough for those who didn’t.
Post # 13
j_jaye: urchin: agreed.
I sent thank yous to everyone who came, gift or no gift/card. They are all family and quite a few of them travelled a substantial distance to attend. I don’t see it as passive aggressive or soliciting a gift, and don’t think there’s a limit in expressing gratitude and appreciation.
Post # 14
I have to disagree with Miss Manners on this one. If someone has to travel for a wedding and pays for a hotel room to be there with you I believe you should write them a thank you note. When you are invited to a wedding and you accept it is showing the bride and groom that you support this marriage and that you will be there to support the couple in the future. I have paid upwards of $500 – $1000 to just get to a wedding that is kind of required for Fiance and I to go to since they were close family members. I may not get you a gift right away because of how much I just put out to get there but an acknowledgement of the effort we put in to show our support would be nice. I plan on sending a thank you to everyone who attends just saying thank you for coming to celebrate our special day and for showing us that you support our union. If they give a gift after that I will just send another thank you note. I feel like it takes 2 minutes to write a thank you, place a stamp on it and toss it in the mailbox and overall cost is $2. I would rather be known as a gracious bride than someone just following proper ettiquette.
Post # 15
I had this issue with my bridal shower. I had a guest who after I opened all my gifts told me in front of all my guests she was in such a rush she forgot to grab her gift for me and she would give it to me next time we see each other…no big deal. She then drank about 5-6 glasses of wine and started going out into the garage of my Maid/Matron of Honor home getting beers from the fridge out there and got completely beligerent drunk (thankfully the person she came with didn’t drink) but while intoxicated she told a bunch of the girls while outside how she didn’t even get me anything. Now like I said I didn’t EXPECT everyone to get me a gift, but don’t lie to my face when you know you plain out didn’t get me something. Even though she and her husband make good money, if she would have said I just couldn’t afford it I would have said no worries and not thought twice about it. But the fact she came empty handed without even a $0.99 card, lied to my face and got wasted and ate at my moms expense just rubbed me the wrong way, so I did not send her a thank you for her presence. Had she kept her mouth shut and let me think she really did forget it then I would have but I didn’t like the shadyness of it.