Post # 1
Do you or your DH ask permission from one another before going to do stuff? Is it a hassle for either of you to go out alone/ without your spouse.
I mean it’s totally respectful and expected to discuss things before going out to do them without your spouse, but do you ask permission?
The reason I ask is because, DH just recently got a new mountain bike and has been biking pretty well every evening since he got it. I am pregnant and we have a two and a half year old. He usually just kind of brings up that he’d like to go bike, and I always tell him I don’t care (because, honestly, I don’t).
Last night, he came home after a ride and said, “Thanks for letting me go biking tonight! It was a great time!”
My immediate reaction was to laugh and say, “let you?? I don’t care when you go biking! It’s not like you’re out drinking…you’re getting in shape and doing something you love!”
He then went on to tell me that he feels bad because I’m pregnant, and that some of the other guys’ wives give them a hard time when they want to go out biking a lot, and that they basically have to ask permission before going.
It just struck me as odd. I guess I get that other people’s relationship dynamics are quite different, but I would never expect my hubby to ask permission to go do something. We always let eachother know that we’re planning on doing something and make sure the other didn’t have plans, etc… and he’s smart enough to know that if I am really having a bad day with pregnancy complications that he’d stick around and help me out.
I am just always surprised at how many of his buddies actually end up in conflict with their spouses when they want to go out to do stuff with the guys… he always has tales to tell..lol
So how does your relationship dynamic work? Do you guys ask permission of eachother? Do you just say you’re doing something and go? Do you bounce plans off one another and go from there?
Post # 2
My husband and I are the couple that does everything together because we have the same interests/hobbies. If one of us wants to go do something, we always invite the other person. However, there are those rare occasions where one of us isn’t feeling well or has other things that need to get done and will decline the invite. We are both always aware of each other’s plans though and there’s never been an issue/conflict with it.
Post # 3
We usually “ask permission” but it’s more so to make sure neither of us had any other plans. For example, I may ask “Do you mind if I go out shopping tomorrow night with ___?” and he may say “Nope, that should be fine!” Or “I’m going to need the car for ____.” or “Remember, we had plans to do something else”. Sort of thing.
I will also always make sure that he’s okay with having company over as well. I don’t usually make plans without checking with him first.
Sometimes when we do something he isn’t too thrilled about, for example, furniture shopping, I will thank him for letting us go that day, as I know it’s not his favourite thing.
With us, it’s more so a courtesy thing than getting each other’s permission.
Post # 4
urchin: Hmm you just made me think. My initial response was hell no I don’t ask for permission…. but when I think about it, there are OCCASIONAL times where I’ll say something like this… “SoandSo and I are going to happy hour tomorrow at a fun new watering hole…. Is that OK?” Usually when it’s plans on a weekend night, I guess because it leaves the other sitting at home alone on a Friday or Saturday night. For whatever reason, weekdays don’t count like that! He does the same to me- tells me the plans he’s already made, then makes sure I’m OK with it. Never once have either of us said “no it’s not OK” (or at least not in a serious way… Sometimes I like to be like NO YOU CAN’T GO HANG OUT WTIH YOUR FRIEND, HOW DARE YOU in a mean wifey kind of way, then laugh because it IS silly to ask for permission).
Post # 5
We ask each other before we make plans out of respect for each other, but I can’t remember a time where either one of us has ever denied the other. My DH has said things to me like, “Thanks for being so cool about letting me go/do ____!” but it’s never really made sense to me that some women deny their SO/DH of simple things like going out for a drink with a buddy. Of course, I think it’s also important to not take advantage of each other and go out every night partying or something. I think as long as you keep your partner’s needs in mind, everything will be fine.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It’s nearly impossible to get my DH to LEAVE the house with me, so no, that is definitely not a problem.
Post # 7
urchin: Funny you bring this up because I just recently had an exchange like this with FH. I was going to head out for drinks after work with a girlfriend and so I called him and asked if he was OK with it. After I got home, I did tell him that I felt weird when speaking with him earlier because I felt like I was asking a parent’s permission. Ewwww. We agreed that we don’t need to “ask permission” but we do need to communicate what we are doing and to keep the other in the loop, especially if it affects the other.
So, to answer you question, I do pass things by him. I guess if he said he wasn’t OK with it and I thought it was a reasonable request on my part, it doesn’t automatically mean I would NOT do it. It would certainly need to be discussed beyond the original question to figure out what his feelings were on the matter and why.
He’s a pretty smart guy so I don’t mind pausing for a listen every once in a while. 🙂
Post # 8
He’s an adult who doesn’t need your permission to go biking…but you are allowing him to go by agreeing to look after your kid.
It’d be pretty rude to just assume you’re ok with being alone with a small child for an extended period of time, not just because of pregnancy complications, but emotionally you might need some alone time. Even moms need some occasional free time!
Post # 9
It sounds like you have a good dynamic then. I always think it’s thoughtful when your SO asks, not so much for permission but showing that by going out they might be leaving you with something – i.e, watching kids, like canadajane: said. The only thing we really ask permission for is when company comes to stay with us, since the place belongs to both of us and that should be a joint decision.
My partner likes to go out and be social, and if I’m not feeling up to it, I like that I can decline and we can do separate things. I wouldn’t want to insist she stay home with me all the time. Personally, I like some alone time, so I never mind being left at home!
Post # 10
Haha, DH always thanks me for ‘letting him’ play rugby. Seriously, isn’t it imporant to support each other in our individual interests and hobbies as much as it is to support our common goals as a couple? I laugh when he thanks me but I think it’s his way of showing appreciation that we can each have our own thing.
Funny though, I find myself thanking him when he watches our daughter for a few hours on the weekend while I run errands or whatever. I do realize I shouldn’t have to thank him, since he is also a parent and we are a team, but I still find those words coming out!
Post # 11
We have a dynamic like tours. We always run things by each other – IE, I’m going shopping tomorrow with my mom and then to dinner. Is that cool? More of a checking in thing than permission.
But DH has done the same thing to me with thanking me. a good friend of his, who lives out of state, needed some R and R and wanted to go to Vegas for a few days. DH asked if he could go (I was 7+ months pregnant) and I of course said it was fine. His first day there, I got an email thanking me for letting him go 🙂 I had the same reaction – I didn’t let you! It was no biggie 🙂
Post # 12
Yeah I always ask before just going out willy nilly because we have a joint responsibility to our household ( no kids, but 2 dogs). I would be pretty peeved if he just went out every night after work and assumed I was OK with it. Guess I am one of the uncool wives, but it never hurts to just run something by a spouse.
9.5 times out of 10 I would have no problem with whatever it is he wants to do, but it still shows respect for my time, too, when he asks. It’s not a parental or checking in thing, it is a respect thing, IMO.
Post # 13
i don’t get the asking permission but i do get checking in with the spouse. i am a cyclist (road) also and like to bike 3-4 days a week if i can. i let DH know what i’m doing but i don’t ask permission, as does he with his activities.
now kids will change that a bit. i still wouldn’t expect my husband to ask permission but i would expect him to be respectful of me. i hope that if he is out able to enjoy the things he likes, that he would stay home with the kid so i could go out and enjoy things as well.
i told my mom before i was married that when i had kids, they would have sleepoevers grandma’s every friday night so i could ride on saturday mornings without worrying about the kids schedules.
Post # 14
DaneLady: Haha, now that I think about it, I do the same thing with DH. I do look after DD most of the time, because I just don’t go out all that often (that’s my personality). So when I do leave him with her for a while, I find myself thanking him as well (and he laughs at me, just as I laughed at him last night for the same thing!)
Post # 15
urchin: we never ask permission, we simply inform each other. If we don’t have plans with each other, we’re free to make plans with whoever we want (and for us that includes going out drinking/clubbing). His friends are all jealous because their relationships aren’t like that and they have to get ‘permission’ (and sometimes that permission is not forthcoming); personally I couldn’t be in a relationship like that.