Thanksgiving Family drama…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How should I handle this?
    Let the in-laws know I am upset by it : (1 votes)
    6 %
    Take my FI's lead : (12 votes)
    71 %
    Grin and bear it, however hurtful it is : (4 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I would go with the flow and let FI deal with FI’s parents in whatever way he deems appropriate.  Its his ex, his parents, his opinion, his decision to make a deal of it or not.  I don’t think your 2 cents into it will do you any good.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5697 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    It doesn’t make a lot of sense that they have so much disdain for her but treat her as if she’s a 13 year old member of their family? I’d let your fiance have whatever words with them he deems appropriate. I think he’s in the right here.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    You’re right; it’s not worth the drama. This issue is something you that you will have to deal with for years to come. That’s part of what comes when marrying a man who has a child and an ex-wife. It’s going to be complicated. I understand not wanting years of resentment, but I think handling it with grace and good will is best. I don’t think bringing it up to your future in-laws will help ingratiate yourself to them.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1802 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think it’s odd that they say they dislike her behavior but still pay for things for her and invite her over. Maybe they think she will eventually try to keep your FIs daughter from them? I would have FI bring up the situation. You are going to be his wife.  Things obviously didn’t work out between him and his ex. They need to make you feel comfortable and they should know that having her there will do the opposite. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    3570 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I would address it.  She is no longer part of the family, and should not be invited over for dinner, laundry, or thanksgiving.  We are going through this in my family.  Certain family members refuse to let an ex-wife go, and it is really hurting my BIL.  

    Post # 10
    Hostess
    9919 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Gabthebee:  My family is similar.  My dad left my mom when I was 19, the youngest of my siblings was 10.  My parents were together close to 30 years (married for 23).  My dad’s parents have remained very loyal to my mom even since she began dating someone else.  It really upsets my father because he is remarried (to the woman he left my mom for) and they have a son.  My step mom is an awful person, she really is, but my dad’s family doesn’t make it easy on her either.  They compare her to my mom, they invite my mom (although that’s slowly stopping, finally, 12 years later). 

    All you can do is smile, do your best to get along.  Don’t join in the ex-wife bashing sessions (my step mom will openly bash my mother thinking it’s okay…it’s not, even if other people are doing it, it just looks bad).  Try and find common ground and let your FI take the lead on any issues relating to his ex. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    5932 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @Gabthebee:  I honestly think that all of this is not even close to being a slight at you…the fact is that your FI and this woman had a child together, they didn’t pick her, he did.  And just because they are no longer married, does not mean she just goes away, she’s the mother of their granddaughter and always will be…so because of that simple fact, they invite her to dinner, help with her laundry and bills…not because they are terribly invested in her per se…but because anything they do to help her can only benefit their granddaughter and protect her from her mother’s failings as an adult.

    I get how this might bother you, but I really think a change in perspective is going to take the sting out of the entire situation for you and your FI.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2302 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @Gabthebee:  perhaps they think it would be nice if you all got along, and are trying to help in that regard by inviting her to thanksgiving. they may feel that its in their granddaughter’s best interest to have all three of her parents at thanksgiving. 

     

    i think that is the story – the support her and help her because she is and will always be their granddaughter’s mother. so no, it’s not worth getting worked up over in my opinion.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1140 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: Seattle, WA

    @Gabthebee:  His parents are being ridiculous!!  My boyfriend of 3 years has a 7 year old daughter with his ex wife, and his parents would never dream of inviting her to any family function!  I don’t think you should confront them about it at all, but I think your FI definintely needs to put his foot down.

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