- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
Having a really brutal waiting-weekend. The SO and I have been fighting, and crying, and going through periods of silence since Saturday. He had a breakdown -which has been months in the making.
He has been very stressed the last few months. We are finishing college (I’ll be done in April; SO in December hopefully) and he is the only one employed at the moment. We both have student loans, and we made the decision a few months ago that someone needed to be home with our young dog, and to generally take care of our place which was getting lost in the hustle of two full-time students with jobs.
He’s started feeling the pressure of being the majority breadwinner, but I’ve always maintained that I’d go back if we needed it, and I’ll be looking for full-time in a matter of weeks. (Grad is just around the corner!… which makes me sound younger than I am… I’m 25.)
I don’t blame him for feeling stressed though. He works very hard, and his school suffers from time to time. He likes his job a lot, and they offered him a really great promotion starting in April. It’s great, but he now has the responsibility to open a new restaurant (in a small local chain) on top of everything else that’s been bothering him.
But most of that is background… on Saturday he called me in while he was showering… and he was crying. He said he didn’t know what to do. The 30th of March will be our 5th anniversary… he knows that people are starting to wonder why he hasn’t proposed yet. I told him that I love him no matter what, and if we aren’t getting married, we aren’t getting married – it’s that simple and not a big deal. (Okay… it is important to me, but not at the expense of his mental health.)
No, he said, it’s not. If he proposed it would be ‘the best year ever’ but then after that, what? He’s depressed and scared. He wants space, but doesn’t want me to leave. We’re best friends, but he feels like he’s slowly ruining our relationship. We almost broke up… I think… this weekend has been a blur. This isn’t normal for us. We aren’t a break-up-and-get-back-together couple.
He’s terrified of ending up like his own divorced parents (“What if loving each other just isn’t enough?”) or my mother and stepfather (“They’re crazy!” … sometimes’s I’m not sure they even like each other…)
I’m really not sure what to do. We discussed the marriage thing for years. I felt like we were leading up to it, and he was making moves in the direction of it as well… and now, I think we’re back to square one.
…. Oh, and just for fun, our 5th anniversary will be spent -at least in part- travelling to his hometown to help cater his grandmother’s birthday party and attending said party. I’m not bitter. The timing just sucks. His mom asked him about a week ago to do some hors d’oeurvres etc. and he jumped on it. Why wouldn’t he? Normally a fun task.
SO: So, I’m thinking of taking XXXX when we go down, what do you think?
Me: Sounds fine. When is it?
Me: Wow. Planning early. Maybe confirm that with (SO’s Mom).
SO: Okay, it’s the Saturday after Good Friday. When’s that?
Me: Good Friday is March 29th.
So: Okay, good, I’ve got time.
So I’m here on my own til 8 p.m. … It’s 10 a.m. where I am right now. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for here. I’m just really sad. And even if it is the day after St Paddy’s Day… drinking alone in the morning still isn’t an option.