Post # 1
Hi, Ladies! I’m writing this to vent but all input is appreciated. So a couple weeks ago I asked all my girls to be my bridesmaids and all of them said yes- at first. One of my longest friends, Ash, had seen this coming for a long time. For 1, we had been talking about being in each others weddings since high school. For 2, I’ve been engaged for THREE YEARS- and she knew about being in the wedding since the day I was engaged. So, the day I call her to “officially” ask her to be a BM she laughs and says “duh, of course”. Not even two days later she calls me to tell me she doesn’t know if she can afford it so she doesn’t want to take a chance, because she is switching jobs and going through some issues with her landlord so her and her bf are looking for a new place to rent. At first I was understanding because I appreciate her pulling out sooner rather then later and being up front about it. So I switched her with one of my PA’s and they flip flopped “positions”. But then I hear from another Bridesmaid or Best Man that they were chit chatting and Ash stated that she thinks she should still go to the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress fitting because she wants a say because she wouldn’t want the dresses to be hideous.. Umm.. REALLY!? I never brought it up because I’d rather avoid the drama and not be a bridezilla. So the last time I talked to her she had moved back in with her parents and her and her bf are going to be saving up for a house. And, of course I’m happy for her- that’s a big step. But now all of the sudden my Bridesmaid or Best Man who works at the bar in town is telling me that she is seeing her at the bar a few times in the last two weeks. For some reason I cannot help but to be annoyed. Because, with what she has spent drinking at the bar a few times she could have bought her dress (the dresses were only $125 and the shoes are $40). I know being in a wedding can get spendy but I’m trying to keep it relatively inexpensive, we’re in a recession! I really want to ask her if there are any other reasons why she wouldn’t want to be in my wedding because if she can afford to drink they way she does she can afford to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Or do I avoid the situation because I don’t want it to blow up? She is my oldest (as in longest not in age) friend, we’ve lived together on more than one occasion, we’ve taken vacations together, and we pretty much grew up together. It feels like a slap in the face because I would have easily given up a leisurely activity for a couple weeks or do whatever I had to do be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding. And, I know she is still apart of my day being a PA and what not but it still stings.. Anyway, I’m done rambling about that. Thanks for hearing me out.
Post # 3
you never know someone’s financial position. even if someone tells you they are drinking at the bar, you don’t know if she’s buying her own drinks, etc, and quite frankly, it isn’t anyone’s business how she spends her money but her own. the cost of a bridesmaid dress is not the only expense in a wedding, and if she chooses a better quality of life right now (she IS living with her parents), over wedding expenses, that’s her decision and right. she’s been forward and honest with you, and that’s all you can ask.
edit: sorry if this seems harsh, but sometimes we are so in the middle of a situation and caught up in the emotion that we can’t see it as clearly
Post # 4
I have to agree with the PP, you do not know her fininacials and should not assume things. Please let it go and move on in your planning of your wedding
Post # 5
If she’s not a bridesmaid, she doesn’t get to have a say in the bridesmaids’ dresses. It’s pretty simple. Not sure what a ‘PA’ is.
Just say, “I’m sorry, but you said you couldn’t afford to be a bridesmaid so I don’t think it would be appropriate for you to come to the fitting. I don’t mind helping you pick out what the PAs are going to wear though!”.
It’s none of your business how she spends her money; I wouldn’t bring up her bar-hopping.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t bring it up… money is such a touchy subject and she might get mad that you’re telling her what she should be doing with her money.
Post # 7
I do get where you are coming from, but the truth is, you can’t be upset that she is having a few drinks at a bar vs. saving up for your wedding . I do think the tell tell sign is the fact that she is living at home – therefore, she is being upfront and truthful with you about her financial situation; which is actually quite admirable, and to me, shows that she values your friendship enough to confide and be honest with you.
Post # 8
Yea, you can’t expect somebody to put their finances in order around your wedding.
I’m injured and unable to work so my income has taken a hit. I spend my days at home and it’s harder for me to get around. I have our wedding to save up for, as well as, my MOH’s destination wedding in July. This hits our income HARD. BUT, I still go out and have a social life because its one of the few things that de-stress me these days…
Post # 9
If shes not a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then no, she shouldnt be allowed to come. Invite her to the bachlorette party, or the shower perhaps?
Post # 10
I think I was misunderstood or maybe wasn’t clear about somethings. I would NEVER expect anyone put their financial matters at harms way for my wedding, that’s why I was so understanding at first. And of course it’s not my business how she spends her money. Everyone needs to go out and blow off some steam and have a few drinks, but I know my friend and I know how she drinks. I didn’t mean for it to sound like she needs to quit drinking and spending her leisurely money to be in my wedding. But IT DOES feel like she would rather drink than be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Which DOES feel like a slap in the face. I didn’t really get annoyed about the situation until she said she still wanted to have a say in the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and started going out and getting wasted, which makes me wonder if there are other reasons besides the money. But please undestand I would never want her to put her financial matters at risk or expect her too.
PA means Personal Attendant.
Post # 11
Just let it go. Frankly it sounds as if she might be a bit immature in her judgement and it will be one less thing for you to deal with.
Post # 12
You can absolutely tell her that its not really OK for to be at the fitting as she has opted out of being a bridesmaid… BUT … if you bring up her money spending and your thoughts on it, you will more than likely deal your friendship a fatal blow.
Post # 13
She might not want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for other reasons, and is using money as a way to tell you? That hurts, but either way she doesn’t get a say in the dresses.
Post # 14
I would be annoyed if she was going out and drinking though, then complaining about money. A night out can cost you a fair bit of money.
Post # 15
I’m going through sort of the same thing with my best friend from high school. We had always talked about being in each others wedding. Now that mine is coming up she cant be there for this and that. I say just let it go. Idid. It has hurt our friendship it will never be the same. But you always find out who your true friends are.
Post # 16
@TabbyCat: I’m going to disagree with most of the PP and say that you have every right to be annoyed for a few reasons:
1. She wants to have a say in the wedding, and seem to think she has a right to that, not even being part of the wedding party anymore.
2. Even if someone else is buying her drinks, or someone else is paying for her cab, it seems like going to the bar several times a week will end up costing her something. If she really wanted to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, which is seems like she does since she wants imput, then she needs to think about what she is doing.
That being said, I think she is just immature and possibly has no idea how finances work. I think that if you choose to confront her about the entire situation, it is not going to help. The money is spent and, as I said, if she wanted to make it work, she would find a way.