That's it, am giving up, he will never ask…

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

Do what is best for you. Whatever that is. If it means leaving, leave. If it means staying and having your opinion heard, do that. You are still one half of that relationship and your partner does not hold the right to discuss these things. This is a journey you will take together and you have every right to discuss things openly and not feel shut down. If you cant have these types of conversations with someone youre considering spending the rest of your life with then it doesnt really set the stage for an equal relationship. Sending you positive feelings and thoughts.

Post # 3
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It’s hard, but you have to decide what is best for you. I was with a man for five years I had every intention of marrying but he never felt the same. I left him because of that very reason. We had a great relationship and I loved him very much. To this day we are still friends, although it took alot of time to get there. I just remember resenting him because he didnt want to get married and it wasn’t healthy. I finally had to decide what I wanted more. Marriage or the relationship. I tried just being ok without the marriage but it didnt work out for me. I had this constant nagging in the back of my mind that told me I could find a guy just as good WITH the intentions of getting married.

Life is short. If you need marriage to feel fulfilled, go after it. Don’t let the downers tell you “it’s just a piece of paper” or “it’s over-rated.”

Post # 4
Member
3547 posts
Sugar bee

You know a friend of a friend went through this where she saw all of these other couples getting engaged and married.  Little did she know her fiance was saving up the money to purchase her a beautiful ring.  Are you sure he doesn’t want to marry you?  what if he’s having a hard time saving money?  Could it be something else?  Maybe he’s not ready?  And I can relate, to me it was important to be married.  It wasn’t just a piece of paper, being married is a totally different thing, I love being able to say my husband, not my boyfriend, my husband.  Even though we acted like a married couple, I wanted that.  So I can understand and relate. Maybe talk to your boyfriend on why there is this delay in getting married.  Maybe he has different goals in life, and he wants to wait longer. Maybe he doesn’t see the importance of it.  There are tons of different reasons.

Post # 6
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

 

Sabbybina:  What could get rid of that engagement idea in my head? How can I stop feeling miserable and grumpy about it? …How do you manage not to ever talk about it again? <br /><br />

 

Honestly? Stop browsing wedding boards.  Focus on other things in your life.   Try to be completely present in your relationship without worrying when it’s going to happen. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, I think that when you have kids your priorities are different, and I think it’s admirable that he’s waiting until his kids are ready. This is a big step, and an even bigger one when there are kids and blended families.

You need to stop being such a victim in all this. It can’t be just about you when he has kids. It sucks, but that’s how it is. They were his responsibility before you came along, and should be his number one. If you can’t deal with that, then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you.

Post # 8
Member
7218 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Was he married before? Were you? It can be really hard to get over the failure of a marriage that didn’t work. I know it’s not that way for everyone, but it can be really powerful for those who do. 

men often try to shut down concerns they don’t share and don’t want to deal with.,the question is, when you lay your cards on the table, does he hang in there with you? Does he listen to you? 

Post # 9
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you talked about it a month ago and had a pre-celebratory drink and you’ve been hounding him since then, only to find he shuts down, did you ever stop to think maybe he IS planning on asking you and you are ruining any plans for a surprise he has his heart set on? Give the man some space to work his magic for a few months. Just a different angle:)

Post # 10
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My husband and I did not live together until we were engaged, and if my house would not have flooded and been unliveable, I would not have lived with him until after the marriage.  Anyway, I think when you blend families like that before you are married or engaged, it just gets too easy, especially for the guy, to just be happy with status quo.  I have a friend who is in a situation like you, except her FI proposed, after YEARS of living together.  They have moved the wedding 3 times.  I don’t think they will ever marry.  When you have kids, and exes, and financial obligations related to your kids, marriage is a big step.  My husband and I had a date set when my flood happened.  Had we not, I would have moved in with my parents during the repairs, not him.  I wanted the commitment before I made it too easy for him to have a “wife” without having a wife.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  NavyBee.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  NavyBee.
Post # 11
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sabbybina:  Can you tell us how you both are and how old the kids are? Was there a messy divorce? Are the kids young and cute or teens and bitchy or adults out of the home?

I’m marrying a man with adult children. We met soon after he got divorced. I wasn’t immediately introduced to his family. Instead, we waited 6 months for me to meet his children. I didn’t meet his mom until we were together 4 years. We dated 5+ years before we got engaged. Where are you in this?

Post # 13
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

Sabbybina:  Well, the bottom line is he said it will happen. I guess he wants the privilege of choosing when that will be. I wonder if psychologically he is waiting for his kids to be adult (whether he considers that 16, 17 or 18) and maybe then he will feel a bit freer to act? So in the next 2 – 4 years there is quite a strong possibility. 

Post # 14
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

Sabbybina:  has he ever talked to his children about it or done anything to find out what their reactions might be? Maybe if je asks them what they think about the idea first and gave them time to process it before getting their response they’d be ok with it.  I imagine they’re more likely to feel ok about it if they feel like they’re involved and it’s a family decision rather than being surprised with an announcement

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