Post # 1
I was recently venting about some issues I am having in my relationship to one of my friends and she recommended this book to me- “The 5 Love Languages” http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ She explained to me there are 5 different types of personalities in relationships with 5 different types of needs.
I immediatly went to look it up and found there is a quiz you can take online to see what type you are. I am an Acts of Service, which I kind of already knew, but it was very interesting to find out none the less. And to figure out in what order the others fell. And to read the in depth description of each. I am really interested in getting the book to find out more about HOW to be in a relationship with these kinds of personalities.
I really want my FI to at least take this quiz so I can learn more about what type of relationship needs he has and to better understand mine. Part of our problem is he knows ABOUT ME to the core, but I think he is starting to resent me because he doesn’t understand the things I need for a working, healthy, loving relationship and to feel validated. Plain and simple, he just thinks i’m bitching and nagging.
Has anyone ever heard of this book/author? How would you approach this with your FI so he does not take it as “talking emotions”/bitching/whatever guys normally do about this stuff.
Post # 2
I really like this book. I am words of affirmation and quality time.
Post # 3
texaslemon: I have and read the book. I need to read it again though honestly. When I read it I asked him if he would take the quiz so I could see what love language he was. I then asked him if he feels that language fits him and if I’m living up to it. It kind of brought out a few things I wasn’t doing, so I worked on it. He has as well. I think it helps to read the book again later on because things change after a few years and/or a kid or two.
Post # 4
I am familiar with this book and author. I immediately recognized myself as Physical Touch (I need to be hugged) and my FI as Quality Time (he always wanted to spend all his time with me). I shared this observation with my FI and it definitely clicked without us even talking about it.
Post # 5
I’ve read it, and so has my DH. The important thing to recognize is that your love language isn’t better than his. They are just different. Oftentimes, you have to change your behavior to love the other person better according to their love language. For example, if you find out your FI is a “words of affirmation” type of guy, and you’ve been really negative to him lately, then it would be no wonder he felt nagged and you two aren’t connecting. In that case, you would need to change the way you talk to him and he would need to do more things that he believes you’ll appreciate. That way both of you are tying to “speak” the other’s love language.
So if you’re worried about his response to this book, make sure you present it as something that is important to you but also that it is something you want to do together (i.e. this is for both of you to work on things, not just you trying to change him only). Tell him that you feel like you have both been misunderstanding each other and that you’d really appreciate him doing this with you so that you can have a strong marriage. Maybe you two should also look into premarital counseling as it is really good for getting to know each other and for learning the right way to approach conflict resolution for your relaitonship.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 6
I haven’t but I plan on getting it now.
Post # 7
Also, just so you know, 5 years from now your primary love language could be quality time! We all change with time and need to keep on figuring out how to best love our spouses.
Post # 8
I had a feeling 1 of my love languages was touch, but after the quiz, it makes sense that quality time is one of them too!! I actually got an equal score on both of them. Will ask the FI to take it tonight. His is touch too according to him but I want to see how he scores on the quiz. I think i’ll buy the book tonight as well.
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2014 - Loft
texaslemon: My FI and I took this. Just ask him to take it! I was like “look what I found, mine is this, this and this. I wonder if ours are similar?!” he was quick to look and we compared answers after then discussed how we could appeal to eachothers languages better.
Post # 10
I keep hearing about this book, and now I’m dying to read it. I guess I need to make a pit stop at the bookstore before heading home.
Post # 11
texaslemon: We actually talked about the love languages and did the quiz as part of the marriage prep course. It was really informative for my FI and I to do the quiz and compare the results. We were both quality time with a side of touching.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
texaslemon: I JUST this weekend found out about this and why I’d been feeling lonely and unloved despite *knowing* my husband loves me… I took the test and I’m a triple Physical Touch, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation (I’m high maintenence!), but I think I value Physical Touch the most. But my husband always does acts if service to me (cooks, brings my toothbrush, laundry), and as wonderfully helpful as he is, I didn’t *feel* his love.
I sat him down and talked to him and showed the website and told him this is why I’d been feeling a little lonely in the relationship. He wouldn’t take the test but he self-identified himself as an Acts of Service (which I knew) and Words of Affirmation. I told him he’d been talking to me through service, but I want him to touch me more and put down his phone more to spend quality time.
Last night we took a walk (no phones!) and he held my hand (instead of me holding his hand), and in bed he stroked my hair and held my hand… I feel tears in my eyes from remembering these little acts!! I hope he can keep this up 🙂
Post # 13
I used this with couples in premarital counseling when I was a pastor. It really is a great resource. My husband’s love language is acts of service, which I didn’t know. Since finding that out, I love him differently. Or, I show him love differently. My languages are almost dead even: quality time and physical touch. He has to really think about how he communicate love to me, because his impulse is to do something for me like change the oil in my car or cook me supper or get a gift. But that’s not what I need from him.
If you want your SO to take the quiz, just be honest about it. “I found this quiz online that really helped me understand how I feel fulfilled in a relationship. I’d live you to take it too so I can fulfill your needs better.”
Post # 14
Honestly, all I did was say, “Hey! I found this quiz on love languages- I’m Words of Affirmation, let’s find out what you are too”. Afterwards we had a nice discussion about what the other person does that really makes us feel loved. We usually love to talk though, so this was nothing unusual for us. However, if I want to talk to him in depth about something, I approach him when he’s relaxed and not tired/stressed. I find that I’m most talkative/energetic when I get home from work, whereas he’s super drained and needs a couple hours to unwind. Our discussions have been much more productive since I learned this.
Another thing: don’t wait until something is wrong to start a discussion, because he’ll be put on the defensive. Bring it up while you guys are just hanging out together- then it’s more of a fun “get to know each other” activity, than a “let me show you how everything you’re doing is wrong!”
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2015 - Hanover Grande Ballroom
i bought this book on my kindle and have yet to read it! thanks for reminding me!