(Closed) the best man is in love …

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

When it comes to matters such as this, it is best to remain silent and carry on.  Any discussion will result in total humiliation, anger, resentment, suspicion and upset….leave this man to fend for himself and stop pitying him, he’s going to be fine.

Post # 4
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Nona99:  I agree. Limit your contact with the best man as much as possible. Let your FI handles talking to him about best man duties. You can’t control his feelings, but you can make sure you don’t put yourself in an awkward situation with him.

Post # 5
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Seriously. Imagine all the options you listed. What good would any of them do for him? If anything, you might lead him on. Nothing you can do will help him, unfortunately. I’m not sure what to say regarding telling your fiance… I was going to say you’d know how he’d react, but if you don’t, you might just want to avoid telling him. If it upsets him, it would just lead to issues with their friendship/status/etc. It could get really messy, over nothing. 

And just because he loves you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t/hasn’t loved many other people in the past because he has issues with confidence and low self-esteem.

Also, if there’s a history of mental issues, he might have issues as well and any attention you give him could be very bad in many ways. Guys in general have a hard time distinguishing between “just-friends” and “she’s-totally-into-me” nice. Generally, they always assume the latter. If he’s into you, and has a hard time getting girls, any attention you give him will just make it more confusing for him, and cause a mess, and you may unintentionally just lead him on. This case usually even worse with guys having low self esteem.

 

Leave him alone. Don’t empathize or sympathize with him. It’ll send him mixed signals and he’d just get excited. Be just as you always were. Nothing good could come from your intervetion with him, if he’s in love with you. The only thing you can do is tell him that he needs to stop obsessing, and/or severe the relationship between the three of you, and it doesn’t sound like you would want that. 

 

Even if he isn’t fine, anything you would/could personally do would ultimately make him feel worse. If it gets to be a problem though, you should let your fiance in on it so you both can decide how to address it. If it’s just an “I-feel-bad-for-him” problem, then you should just let it be.

Post # 6
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There’s only one person’s feelings you can control — and those are yours.  He needs to deal with what he’s going through by himself.  It’s too difficult of a situation.

This is like PS I love you gone wrong.

Post # 8
Member
467 posts
Helper bee

Yes, I agree with the other posters.  If you reach out to the best man, he will only feel humiliated, or possibly believe you are encouraging him.  Neither is an emotion that you want him to feel.  Eventually, he’ll get over you on his own.  There really isn’t anything that you can do to help him with this process.  There are things that people need to work out on their own or, possibly, with a good therapist.  There is nothing you can do for him.

As far as your fiance goes, I’d leave the matter alone.  It sounds like the best man hasn’t done anything that you need to tell your fiance about.  Why ruin a friendship?  (And this sort of thing really could ruin the friendship between the three of you.)

One of my SO’s friends had a pretty major crush on me for the first year of our relationship.  He wasn’t a good friend, and I don’t think he was in love with me, but he was crushing pretty hard.  Eventually he met a girl and is no longer into me.  I’m sure it will take much longer for the best man to get over you, but eventually, it will happen.  There is nothing you can do to speed it up.  

Post # 9
Member
6472 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Keep it to yourself. He obviously (aside from a comment) hasn’t acted upon his feelings. If he had I’d say you should bring it up. No good will come of it. It will most likely embarrass him, and will probably damage his friendship with your FH.

Post # 10
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You sound like a really nice person to want to reach out to him, but the best thing you can do is ignore the situation and try to forget about his feelings.

Have faith that he will find someone else. He’s a grown man. He’ll figure out soon enough, most likely after you’re married, that he absolutely can’t have you.

When he has had enough of feeling miserable, I’m sure he will make an effort to move on. That means he’ll either actively look for another woman to love, or he’ll develop that quality that I can’t name: when you look at a man and know that he wants to be with someone, but he doesn’t quite know how to find/get that someone.

That quality is what I saw in my FI when I met him the first time. I fell in love in that moment. That day I was already asking around if he was taken, and the rest is history.

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