Post # 1
When FI and I started to plan our wedding, we made a point that we wanted an intimate wedding where each and every guest who attended we would know and have a connection with. With that idea in mind, we created our guest list and was mindful who would be invited, who would bring their significant other, etc.
Well, of course, that got a little out of hand. We are two months away from sending the invitations and we are already 50 up from our original guest number. And additional people are asking to bring guests. That idea to started to bother me because this means that there are going to be strangers – to both FI and I – who get to witness our wedding ceremony and vows. It’s really not about the additional cost to us, but it’s about the intimacy of the wedding group. This is not a show people. This is real life!
We came up with some general guidelines of people who could bring a guest (1) If they are married (duh!) (2) If they are in a serious relationship (3) If they do not know many other guests there (4) If they are traveling from out-of-town.
People who we are not extending a plus one to (1) Single people who know lots of of our other guests (2) Family members, who are not in long-term relationships.
Did you have a philosophy on your guest list? Did it get out of hand?
Post # 3
Etiquette says you have to +1 those with serious relationships, marriages, living together, engaged, dating for a looong time.
So those are the guidelines I’m using. If people ask for a plus one, we’ll say that we’d love to see them there (we’re having a DW) but that we are very limited in space for the ceremony and reception so cannot accommodate extras. Which is true.
While you may not want these “extra” people to be there, if you don’t include them in the invite, 90% of the time the one you want to be there won’t come either.
Post # 4
It sounds like you’re already being generous with your +1s. I would just start saying no and telling people you want a small wedding.
Post # 5
I am very strict with my guest list! My dad is paying for all food and beverages, yet my FMIL wants to invite all of these friends of hers. I said no way, my father isn’t paying for all of this so you can invite women from your office! As for plus ones, both of us have many cousins who are in their early twenties. If I haven’t met their SO then they are NOT coming to my wedding. And if that makes them not want to come, then it’s their loss and they obviously were coming for all the wrong reasons anyways. I want a very small and intimate wedding, and if I let everyone invite a date I would not be having the wedding that I want.
Post # 6
We gave everyone that was single a plus one, we just didn’t want any drama to come of “why did he get to bring someone and I didn’t?!” It’s worked out pretty well.
Post # 7
Our wedding isn’t unitl August and the +1 issue is already causing problems. We are/will be very strict on ours. We just don’t have the space for everyone to bring someone and that would be extremely expensive. We are already at around @225-250 withouth +1’s. We have had 1 person say they wouldn’t come if couldn’t bring a date. I just said Oh Well then Don’t. If you love us and are there to support us, then you would come whether you could bring a date or not. We are letting married people a few of our friends with long term SO’s especially if we know the SO well. There are a few couples we hang out with a lot that aren’t married. Also anyone in the wedding party can bring a date.
Post # 8
@Belle2Be My thoughts exactly! That was the rule that we are trying to hold to.
Also, the 50 additional people that have been added have been additional guests, families bringing their children and additional family members that we didn’t think could come but will probably be able to make it. That’s not 50 people asking to bring a +1 (whew!).
I think the latest episode that erked me was that two of FI’s cousins asked if they could bring their SOs. They are in relationships, but I do not thinking that they are in serious relationships. These cousins will be coming with their parents, so it’s not like they won’t be in company in know.
Post # 9
@KaitlinHudson: I’ve had friends who have done this, and a lot of people who were invited with a plus one didn’t bring one if they weren’t dating someone, because they didn’t want to have to ‘babysit’ someone who didn’t know a lot of the other guests. You’re taking a risk this way, but perhaps not as big as you think, depending on your crowd.
Another thing that’s worked for other people I know is to be consistent within social groups…for example, inviting all his cousins with plus ones because a lot of them are in “borderline” serious relationships, but inviting your day-to-day friends who you know aren’t dating anyone and who are coming as a group without plus ones.
It’s not like people who don’t know each other are going to be able to tell the difference between ‘random date’ and ‘serious relationship’, or are going to spend the wedding going up to people they’ve never met who got dates and quizzing them on how serious their relationship is. Sure, there’s a chance that they might find out that there were different rules, but it’s small and if you’ve explained your reasoning most people won’t care.
Probably not the best idea for crazy/high drama families or friends, but I can’t imagine there are that many brides for whom this constitutes 100% of their plus-one borderline guest list. This is the route we’ve gone…but we’re also okay with not knowing absolutely everyone at our wedding if it means the people we do know and love will come and be happy.
Post # 10
I think you’ve got it covered. If someone’s asking to bring a plus one who isn’t in a serious relationship, and not in the wedding party, I’d say nope.
Post # 11
We were very strict with our +1 policy. In fact, we only offered this to one person because they have been dating for 4 years. Everyone else was either married, engaged or single.
Post # 12
You don’t have to invite anyone extra that you don’t want to! Particularly random dates and short term bfs/gfs.
I think many people need to work on their social confidence. When single people complain about having to attend a wedding alone I find it a bit much.
It’s a great opportunity to meet someone else who is single or just meet people in general! If you take a date but are single, not likely you’ll pick up.
People seem to have lost their ability to stand on their own feet.
Post # 13
This is the same rule we will try to apply. it seems fair.
Post # 14
@jo.lee:Etiquette says you have to +1 those with serious relationships, marriages, living together, engaged, dating for a looong time.
Actually etiquette says that you extend a +1 to all single adult guests. It’s only recently (due to the cost of weddings) that it’s been even remotely acceptable to alter that to only include those in long-term relationships.
Post # 15
@CoffeeHound:Where did you read that? I am just curious because I was going by the same rule as @Belle2be but I don’t want to be rude to my single adult guests if that is true
Post # 16
We’re only inviting people that we know. If someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend but they aren’t engaged/married, we are not having them there if we don’t know them. I’m pretty sure that most everybody will know at least one other person there. I agree with you though–I do not want people that I’ve never met before witnessing such an intimate moment in my life.