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Do not burn me at the stake! It must be some sort of Feux Pas to post about divorce on a wedding planning site but there has to be some of you that think about it also. I mean the current divorce rates are scary! Here we are all planning our weddings but according to statistics approx. 36.6% of us won't make it. What are your thoughts on this? What can we do to stop it?!? My FI and I have had a serious sit down chat about it. I told him I do not believe in divorce. Think very carefully about this decision because I will not ever divorce you. I told him with the exception of cheating on me but honestly I lied. If he cheated on me (which I am obviously confident that he won't or I wouldn't be marrying him lol) i'd work it out and stay married just like my grandparents did. My parents are divorced. My sister was married and divorced by the time she was 21. I do not want to continue the cycle!! His parents have been married forever and will stay that way. I actually asked his father one day how they do it. And he said "It's simple. Divorce is just not an option. Period." Which is exactly how I feel about it. I don't understand these divorce rates. I don't understand why people don't make it work. The very rare exceptions to me would be a domistic abuse situation. Otherwise, when did "til death" stop meaning anything? Take my sister for example, they were both Marines (god bless them), got married before boot camp. When it came to getting stationed one was stationed in AZ and the other a few hours away in CA. They just gave up and decided it was too hard to work on a marriage when your not able to be together all the time. I love my sister but still to this day do not agree with her decision. I know it must have been hard especially with their age but it's not supposed to be easy! I've heard someone with my own ears when asked if they were sure they wanted to get married say "I'm not worried, If it doesn't work out we'll just get divorced". Ahhhhh!!! LOL . Anyway, what does everyone else think?
I "don't believe in divorce", but I also think nobody does until they're in that situation. The ones who say "whatever, we'll just get divorced if it doesn't work out" are the ignorant minority, IMO. Most people go into it totally convinced that they're the ones who will make it. What to do to ensure that's true? Communication, honesty, loyalty, respect, fidelity. Even in the toughest of times these should be upheld. And it's those things that my DH and I work on every day to ensure that we are always in sync with each other and not drifting apart.
And TBH, my parents divorced after 18 years and it. Was. A. Relief. They just weren't happy being together (and my father was cheating with his secretary) and it took a toll on them, their kids, and the rest of their lives. I'd like to think that my DH and I will never divorce, and that we certainly won't go about it lightly, but if there was a point where I was being cheated on, disrespected, and didn't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the shame and betrayal, I would let it go (considering of course that I'd done everything in my power to right the marriage). I know that's unpopular but such is life. But none of my family has been a good example so maybe I'm jaded? Obviously the goal is to never get to a point where divorce is an option, much less the solution.
ETA: Yes, "it's not supposed to be easy", but it's not supposed to be a constant struggle either. I empathize with your sister. That must've been a huge decision and one she couldn't easily right, since they don't have choices about where they're stationed.
FI and I have been together for 8 years. There really isn't anything we haven't talked/fought about at this point. We are both open with each other, not scared to discuss anything. We have also both matured a LOT since we started dating 8 years ago. Maybe these reasons are why I never worry about divorce...
I also didn't believe in divorce, and well, I am divorced! You never really think that it will be you when you go into it. I was married for 2.5 years and we have a daughter together. Our time together was to create her, I believe. I am currently getting married again in March. This time around, I really do feel like divorce is not an option. I know that sounds weird, but I won't do it again. If he cheats, we will work it out. If I am too naggy, we will work it out. The list goes on. For me this is it. But then I'm back to where everyone starts out! Just enjoy your marriage!
I believe life is far too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. My parents divorced just shy of 20 years, there was no infidelity, there was no domestic abuse, they just didn't get along anymore. I can't think of any reason they should still be together. I know its hard to contemplate after 5 yrs but I could see that happening to DH and I if we don't work on our relationship.
My parents are divorced so I know what can be the reality of marriage. I would be open to talk about it, but the Mr doesn't understand why we would we talk about it unless we wanted to get divorced. But it has only been 3 months!
@LGenz: I agree. My parents were married 20 years and had 3 children, a house and pets. However, there was no loving relationship left. They had become different people. I was almost glad when they separated, it was about 12 months overdue.
Unfortunately, some people just don't want to "make it work." Especially if there is no joy left in the relationship. Happiness for both parties involved, whether divorced or not, is more important than a statistic, imo.
Fwiw, I believe in divorce, if the situation is irreparable. If one or both parties are just done, after trying to make it work, divorce is the logical option. But, if they're just being lazy, and not trying to work at it, well then that's just sad, and therein lies the statistical divorce rate.
Coming from families where nobody has divorced, we think that resilience is the key and I really can't see us getting divorced unless it was a major factor involved (like cheating), but I don't think we are programmed to just let it go.
But yeah, it's not completely out of my mind, I am well aware 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, which is probably why we aren't rushing into things.
I've heard that you shouldn't get married if you can't at least consider the possibility of divorce. Don't get me wrong -- I'm the biggest optimist out there. But divorce is a reality in the world today.
While we were engaged, with the help of a pre-marital counseling book, my husband and I discussed the kinds of issues that married couples face, how we would handle them, and what our absolute deal-breakers are.
I'm against divorce, unless cheating or emotional/physical abuse is present.
@Wonderwoman217:Fwiw, I believe in divorce, if the situation is irreparable. If one or both parties are just done, after trying to make it work, divorce is the logical option
Agreed. There are two parties in the relationship and you can only control one of them, yourself. One person may not believe in it, but if the other one is completely done with the relationship and wants no part of it.. then what other choice would there be but to accept divorce when the other person has made it clear the relationship is over.
@Wonderwoman217: I'm sorry but I don't think people like that should get married. Period. Seriously do you not understand the vows you take or something? They are "Until death do you part" not "until I get sick of them" or until I just get tired of trying or "just get tired of making it work". Really THAT is why the divorce rate is so high! A large percentage of the population just does not respect marriage vows. I mean to go into marriage with that attitude is to basically be signing the divorce papers now. Sorry but that's my opinion. [Content removed for baiting]
I don't mean the cheating or domestic abuse. When the other person cheats they actually broke the vows first. But in the "it's just not working anymore" cases I think that's bullshit and taking the easy way out. [Content removed for baiting]
I guess I don't understand why people care if the divorce rate is high? Why bother judging what other people do with their lives? Does it make your marriage less valid or something?
I think most marital problems can be worked on, but some can't so I never fault anyone for getting divorced. I do think some couples rush into marriage, I know several divorced couples where the bride clearly just wanted a wedding and didn't think about whether or not that person was fo rher, but other than that I know that even the best couples aren't immune to it and it's something to actively avoid by working out any major problems.
@UpstateNYPrincessBride: I understand vows just fine, thank you. Go back and re-read my post. If one or both parties involved is not willing to make it work, why would you want to stay together with someone who no longer loves you? Say one is willing to do whatever it takes, but the other person has checked out, and hates the others' guts. I would not want to stay married to someone that hates me (or vice versa, if I hated them) just to avoid being a statistic.
You're right, though, a very large percentage of the population don't respect their vows anymore. But as to the whys, there are mitigating circumstances. I also think it's a bit judgy and harsh of you to insinuate "people like that shouldn't get married".
I'm going to get flamed for this.
What can we do to stop the divorce rate from being so high? Put a minimum age on it. Anyone that I know that got married in my generation in their early 20's in now divorced (11 couples). What I wanted in a marriage at 30 was so much different than at 20.
I think it's really easy to talk about not believing in divorce when you're not faced with that decision. I have not been in that situation myself but I know many couples who are now divorced or seperated. One of my close friends is now divorced after 7 years of marriage. She tried to make it work but her husband was (and is) a very unhappy man. He wasn't when they got married. He made no effort to change and their kids would have grown up in a very unhealthy environment if they didn't divorce.
There were many days when I wished my parents would divorce. I still do. They won't. They would rather make themselves and us miserable. Good thing I don't live at home anymore.
Clearly I believe in divorce. Not as a first option but as the last and final option after trying to fix a relationship that has fallen apart. Would I love to say that FI and I will be together forever? Yes. However none of us can predict the future and what our lives will bring.
I didn't get married thinking "Eh, hey if it doesn't work out we'll get a divorce, no biggie." I honestly don't think most people go into marriage with that mentality (or I hope they don't at least). But you know what, life is too short to be miserable. I will fight for my marriage until the bitter end, but if the love dies or my husband stops treating me with respect, or won't touch me anymore, hey then it's time to consider making changes. I am not going to wake up at 60 years old wishing I'd gotten my happy back. Hopefully I won't be in that situation, but never say never. I don't judge people based on situations I've never personally experienced.
@Ms. Martian: and @KatyElle:. Yes, a thousand times, yes. These are the types of situations I'm speaking of. Not just, "oh, I don't think I like you anymore, lets get divorced." If "working at it" doesn't fix it, then what's the point?
Going into a marriage understanding that Divorce is a realistic concern/possibility is not the same as "signing the divorce papers now". Its easy to say you don't believe in divorce when you've never been faced with having to make such a tough decision (at least for most couples). I don't pretend to know where my life is going to end up or what we might face during the course of our relationship so I'm not going to rule it out.
@KatyElle: Exactly. No one is being flippant about marriage but we all need to be realistic. You only get one life. No sense in living in misery.
@mwitter80: Agreed. And put a cap on the wedding itself - maybe a $$ amount cap? Maybe if people couldn't have extravagent weddings, then they wouldn't get married "to have a wedding" and the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.
@mwitter80: What do you recommend is the minimum age for marriage?
I totally believe in divorce. I believe it may happen to us. This I'm only getting married once thing... yeah sure in a perfect world. I don't live in a perfect world. Me getting divorced is a very real, and stats would say likely possibility. The only thing I can do to prevent it is continue to work on being the best partner, I can be.
@mwitter80: Isn't that also the time when our brains stop developing? Would make complete sense.
DH and I are both very Catholic, and got married in the Catholic Church with the complete understanding of what is required for a "valid marriage" in the Church. We understand what marriage is and its permanence, freely gave our consent, are open to children, and neither of us would be able to claim anything like lacking in sufficient reason or discretion or other psychological issues. Those being the main reaons that people receive annulments, we are fully aware that we will never be able to receive an annulment (where the Church says that the marriage never occured, due to one or both of the parties having some of the issues mentioned above,) so if we were to divorce, that would also involve us cutting ourselves off from our church and religion.
So, yes, we strongly believe and agree that divorce is simply not an option for us. Yes, it will be difficult, and there might even be times when we want out. But...I think that life itself is not easy, and I know that I have married an amazing man, a man who is better than me in so many ways, and will help me to be a better person if I only let him. And we will grow through our difficulties together.
But with that being said... I do hear what everyone's been saying about "you don't know until you're in the situation." So, what would I do if I were in a miserable marriage, and we just weren't even friends anymore, etc... Well, you're right, I don't really know. But I would hope that we would get counseling, and I hope that I would have the humility to realize that most likely *I* am a huge part of any of our difficulties, and would seek to become a better person and more loving wife. And, because like I said, I do believe that I married a *wonderful* man who shares these values, that he would do the same.
I dont really believe in divorce either , I have one aunt that has been in my entire family and thats it.... everyone else has been married forever!
Unless cheating or abuse was present; I say your in it for the long run.
Its crossed my mind a time or two (mostly when im SUPER MAD) but I wouldnt ever follow through with it.
I got married extremely young (18) and I agree that it has alot to do with divorce rates these days.... If I ever have kids I would discourage them from marrying so young. None my of friends that married the same age or older than me are still together. Im the only one left.
I think alot of ppl dont hold the same values etc. as they did back in the day..... they dont take vows as personal or to heart and are so quick to just run at the first sign of trouble instead of toughing it out and working on it.
I feel like im rambling. LMAO :D
You see it definetly seems as if i'm the minority. I believe that explains alot. Divorce is widely accepted in our society. I mean you even get the celebs like Kim Kardashian who IMO made a complete mockery of marriage. I love my dad, mom, and my sister very much but I disagree with their choices.
@joy2011: We are both Catholic as well. I'm trying not to get too much into the religious aspects of why I don't agree with divorce. If you've read the Bible then you know what God says about divorce. I added a pole with a few choices. Should I add any others? I'm really curious to see how it comes out on the Bee!
As someone who has been divorced twice, I can assure you I took my vows very seriously each time, just as I will, again, in 2 years when FI and I marry.
Tell me, would you stay in a marriage if, after a rough 2 years, you try one more time and suggest counselling and he tells you he's already contacted a lawyer? Because I couldn't, and that was 2 years after I made the "I'm going to make it work" speech to myself when I found out he'd lied to me in order to get me to marry him. We tell ourselves all sorts of things when we're young and determined, trust me, I get it.
For many years I thought I'd never even consider marriage again, that I wasn't the marrying type or whatever. It's scary as hell to start down this road again but we're doing it because--like everyone else whether it's the first or the fifth time--we're hoping and planning and preparing for the best.
(But we're also realistic, and won't be including the "until death do us part" line in our vows, or anything else negative for that matter.)
I don't want to ever have to go through a divorce and I will always do everything I can to try and keep my relationship steady but my FI has been divorced before because his ex wife cheated. I honestly think divorce is okay if abuse or cheating is happening. I would never put up with either and he knows that so if it ends at least I will have given it my best and not just given up. I told my FI more than once this is it for me I don't ever want to get married again so he's stuck. He said he's in it for the long haul, so all we can do is keep trying and realize every day is a new chance to start all over again.
If someone is opposed to divorce fantastic, don't get one. I don't see how that makes it ok to judge people who have without ever having been in the situation personally. If someone says "You know what, I have been in a loveless marriage for 20 years, but I took vows and I am not getting a divorce" that is their life and their personal feelings about their situation. It's no one's job to tell them "Oh just get a divorce then." Just like it's no one's job to say "I don't agree that you got a divorce, that was the wrong choice." It's so easy to judge from the outside looking in.
I'm not going to say much on the multiple marriages thing because everything that comes to mind is most likely going to start a very nasty posting war.
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