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Since "etiquette" seems to be a hot, loaded word that gets thrown around without much thought or foundation these days, I thought I'd share this list of "Etiquette Musts" I have found from various online sources. Please, take a look and let's all ponder... how many of us have, or are planning to do something, that is "an etiquette no-no" according to these findings:
Proper Wedding Etiquette:
Please also note on every single one of these websites, there is a little disclaimer that says: several of these etiquette rules are outdated, because the times have changed.
Just thought it was interesting.... maybe we shouldn't all be so quick to judge and throw out, "that's bad etiquette!" when we could very well be guilty or have bent the rules for various personal, social, and financial reasons ourselves.
"Invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner."
That's my favorite.... Practically my entire guest list would be invited to the rehearsal if I did this!! Aside from my parents and a few relatives none of my guests live in my hometown where we are having our wedding!
in my mind, "etiquette"= common courtesy. being gracious and considerate, in my mind, does not equate with what some old dead lady thinks i should do. for the most part, it is just being rational and kind.
I feel like we are incorporating a fair number of those:
However I'm a very traditional person. I don't think NOT doing any of these things is wrong. It's just not what I want.
Interesting to have all these etiquette rules in one place though.
oh good god i can only imagine what i'd be wearing if my mother picked my dress....
haha, considering i keep saying "to hell with etiquette, we'll do what we want," i am following most of these rules so far. oops. but definitely not inviting all out of town guests to the RD, it would be out of control. and my BMs are wearing black....so i guess i'm forcing them to break a rule as well.
My mother and my FMIL are picking their dresses whenever not in any particular order.
We are having a cash bar (gasp!)
My FMIL is not greeting peopple and introducing them to me! Weird!
Some of these seem strange . . .To each his/her own
Wait - what's wrong with sending thank you's as postcards? We were planning to find a cute picture of us from the wedding and put it on postcards to which we would write the thank you's on the back.
I've seen this done and thought it was great!
I'm so tired of the word "etiquette". BLAH! 
i find this list quite funny actually. etiquette also depends on culture and religious belief.. in my culture grooms family pays for entire wedding. but we arent following that and are all contributing to it. but i mean things like bride must wear white and only first time brides are allowed to wear white is all a bit silly to me. half the brides wearing white arent even virgins so what makes them more entitled to wear white thant he 2nd time bride. am sorry but this list is most quite silly and outdated
edited to add: a wedding should really be about what makes the couple happy and reflects their personalities, etiquette can kiss my bottom lol
Love this because it makes me laugh. We didn't break a lot of them, but we did break some. However, I'm totally a "it's your wedding do what you want," kind of person*.
*that said, I hate when brides expect people to put their life on hold to be there
@TheFutureMcBride: I totally agree. A lot of the ettiquite things just fall into my view of "it's my wedding I'll do what I want". And as long as my FI is there, I don't expect anyone to "put their lives on hold" to be there.
Strike-outs indicates ones I violated at my first weddding (in 1977) and/or my second one (in 2009):
Then again, at the time of my first wedding, it violated etiquette to have RSVP cards. The theory was that it was insulting to your guests to presume that they wouldn't know to send an informal in blue or black ink with their reply in the absence of a card. I violated that one, too.
I think it's supposed to read that the Bride's mother get to pick her dress (i.e. MOB dress) first and that will dictate the color/formality the Groom's mother has to match when choosing her dress
I wish such etiquette gurus would explain the logic behind each suggestion (I hesitate before calling them rules) because I think that would help make things clearer. For example:
"Never have a cash bar" BECAUSE guests should not feel obligated to pay for anything at an event they have been invited to.
"Groom asks bride's father for permission to marry his daughter" BECAUSE obviously the father owns everyone in the family and the mother had no influence whatsoever on the daughter.
...yes, I made these up. But somehow I think that some reasoning behind the 'rule' would make it more obvious which rules I might want to follow and which ones I'd be okay breaking.
Etiquette smetiquette....PFFT!!!!!!!
I have worn a black dress to a wedding (OH THE HORROR!!)
MY FMIL will not be introducing families because no on really cares & most already know each other anyways
My invites will probably be something that I pick up from Iparty saying: Be there with details
My mom will probably not even have a MOB dress, she will probably wear capri's, a nice shirt and some flip flops
I have no dad so BF will not be able to ask for permission to be married therefore he can not pay for the wedding or walk me down the aisle
If I gave a gift to every person that I know that was getting married I would be broke and I would expect Target and/or Bed Bath & Beyond to start a buy 4 gifts get the 5th for free program(obv. I would give one if I was attending the wedding)
Guest will be able to RSVP on-line or by word of mouth
And I am wearing a purple dress--its not even a wedding dress..its a bridesmaid dress
I am soooooo going to etiquette hell.
How very interesting!
Etiquette is to manners what law is to the constitution. Yes, etiquette evolves as times change (just like laws do) but the guiding principles remain the same (like the constitution remains unchanged).
Wow, I'm actually shocked that we're doing all but one of these (MIL introducing guests to us - I'm sure she'll introduce HER guests to us, haha), and of course the ones pertaining to guests (gifts, what you can wear).
Nonsense, because I don't think of myself as a particularly etiquette conscious person. Also, several people were upset by our invitations, because we didn't do full names on the envelopes or use "Mr and Mrs Smith" kind of format.
I expect those same people to be highly offended when we rock out to Lady Gaga after dinner :)
What are not doing/ didn't do
Proper Wedding Etiquette:
I think we often misuse the word "etiquette". Most of the things in the original list are tradition and not etiquette.
Etiquette is simply being sensitive to the comfort of others and taking them into consideration. It's being a good and gracious host. And for guests, etiquette is making your host comfortable and being a good and gracious guest.
Wearing white, not wearing red, who walks you down the aisle, etc. are tradition.
That being said, I believe in following good etiquette. I do not, however, get fussed over holding to every little tradition.
Yeah, we're not really keeping to many of those! Haha! Sure it'll work out fine anyway!
@Encore: "Etiquette is simply being sensitive to the comfort of others and taking them into consideration. It's being a good and gracious host. And for guests, etiquette is making your host comfortable and being a good and gracious guest."
BINGO!
@lisa105: various places online, ie - wedding etiquette websites. there are a ton more. i stated that in my first post.
@Encore: "tradition", "etiquette", I believe the meanings have been mashed together throughout the years and there is a lot of overlapping. Believe it or not, every one of those points I made in the first post came from etiquette websites. I am sure there are many crossovers that will be found on "tradition" websites as well.
@Encore: Yes and yes to your post. "Traditions" can be expected in one culture and rude in another (dollar dance, anyone?); etiquette is ubiquitous (writing thank-you notes).
We are paying for the majority of our wedding. My family has offered to gift us a few things such as cake, my dress and decorations. The whole dress scenario isn't happening with me. We will also give guests an option of RSVPing online.
My family, and in particular FI's family, are very traditional. We have followed or will be following all of the guidelines above. In fact, his mom is already stressing about the fact that my mom has not yet picked the color of her dress...
@KatNYC2011: Hi five! That's all I really cared about. He's the one who wanted a wedding in the first place.
The one that kills me is the groom asking the bride's father for "permission." Ugh. I am not a goat. I'll decide who I marry, thankyouverymuch.
@lezlers: That's the interesting thing about how people view and follow "tradition." They have no problem abandoning things like a man asking a woman's father for her hand in marriage but insist that the dollar dance, that puts money in their pocket, is a sentimental "tradition" that MUST be followed.
Ugh... does anyone else cringe when they hear the words "etiquette," "tradition" or my mom's favorite "protocol" ??? I swear...it's like an extreme physical reaction to those words! My pulse speeds up, hands start to sweat, I get all jumpy and my breaths get shallow. I'm obviously allergic... that must be it. I can faintly hear the sound of the whip cracking in the background when those words are mentioned too...auditory delusions... oh this is bad. Obviously, to preserve my mental and physical health, I'm going to have to avoid these topics as much as possible! Ack! *runs away screaming*
I think it has to do with the reasoning behind the tradition. I believe asking the father for the daughter's hand in marriage is derived from the whole dowry concept, i.e.: marriage being looked at as a business transaction between two families.
Marriage is no longer viewed this way (typically) so there's no need for the outdated "asking the father for permission."
The dollar dance likely has different roots so people might be more inclined to follow that tradition (it helps that it involves money for the couple, I'm sure.) Not that I would ever do the dollar dance because....well, I'm not going to go there in this thread.
@lezlers: you brought up an interesting point about the dollar dance. You mentioned that it has different roots, so people might be more inclined to follow it; then you say you would never do it... however, if that's the way you had been brought up, and the tradition you were familiar with, who's to say you'd rule it out? That's the interesting thing about tradition - necessary to some, foreign to others. It's what makes every wedding special!
@invalid_username: I don't think they're mashed together at all really. And I think the websites you visited might also be confused. Here's a good benchmark. Start a sentence with "It would be rude if I..." and see if it fits.
Example: It would be rude if I didn't wear a white dress in my wedding. - See, it's not rude of you to wear another color. Perhaps it's unexpected, but rude is the wrong word. This isn't an etiquette rule.
Another Example: It would be rude if I invited someone to my ceremony but not my reception. - Bingo! This fits, and is an etiquette rule.
Well, sure. If it were part of my heritage I'd do it. It's not, however, so I won't. I consider that quite different, however, from the necessity of traditions that are rooted in antiquated views of marriage, such as asking a father's "permission" to marry his daughter. Giving a couple money to help start their life together is quite different from going to a man and offering some sort of dowry in exchange for relieving him of one additional mouth to feed on the farm.
If you think it's cute and want to do it, fine, but I wouldn't ever consider it a breach of etiquette not to, because the need for the rule has long since expired and with it, the rule itself.
I think I also recall hearing that having a buffet dinner was bad etiquette as well - it flowed along the same line as "serving" your guests, and how plated dinners are favoured, as you are serving, and not making them get up and get their own food.
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