Post # 1
Since “etiquette” seems to be a hot, loaded word that gets thrown around without much thought or foundation these days, I thought I’d share this list of “Etiquette Musts” I have found from various online sources. Please, take a look and let’s all ponder… how many of us have, or are planning to do something, that is “an etiquette no-no” according to these findings:
Proper Wedding Etiquette:
- Groom asks bride’s father for permission to marry his daughter
- The bride’s family (specifically the father of the bride) foots the bill for the wedding
- The brides mother is first to select her daughter’s dress.
- A dress similar in style and color is then chosen by the groom’s mother.
- During the reception the groom’s mother is given the role of greeting the guests and introducing them to the bride and her family.
- It is the bride’s father who must accompany his daughter down the aisle up to the alter rather than the groom, where he entrusts her to her future husband symbolically representing the fact that the primary role of the parents in the life of the bride has come to an end.
- Bride should wear a white dress and veil – this is only proper for a first time bride, as a nod to her virginal modesty
- Never wear white to a wedding. Or black, red, or whatever color the bridal party is wearing.
- Invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner.
- Never have a cash bar
- The invitation’s wording should indicate who is paying for the wedding.
- Guests should never be expected to RSVP online.
- Guests who are invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception, and vice versa.
- Always give a wedding gift when you know the couple, regardless of whether you are invited to or attending the wedding
- Never send thank-yous in the form of postcards, even if you are honeymooning after your wedding
Please also note on every single one of these websites, there is a little disclaimer that says: several of these etiquette rules are outdated, because the times have changed.
Just thought it was interesting…. maybe we shouldn’t all be so quick to judge and throw out, “that’s bad etiquette!” when we could very well be guilty or have bent the rules for various personal, social, and financial reasons ourselves.
Post # 3
Post # 4
“Invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner.”
That’s my favorite…. Practically my entire guest list would be invited to the rehearsal if I did this!! Aside from my parents and a few relatives none of my guests live in my hometown where we are having our wedding!
Post # 5
in my mind, “etiquette”= common courtesy. being gracious and considerate, in my mind, does not equate with what some old dead lady thinks i should do. for the most part, it is just being rational and kind.
Post # 6
I feel like we are incorporating a fair number of those:
- FI called and asked my dad’s permission
- My parents are footing the bill
- Don’t quite understand the bride’s mom picking her dress, but my mom IS coming dress shopping with me
- My dad will be walking me down the aisle and giving me to my FI
- There will be an open bar (no cash bar)
- I will wear white (probably no veil though)
- I agree you never wear white to a wedding. As for BM dress color, I agree if you know what it is, but I won’t be advertising what my BM dresses are
- Our wedding is a destination wedding, so I think we’ll have everyone at the rehearsal dinner (or at least at a cocktail event afterwards) as well as at the post wedding brunch
- All ceremony guests are reception guests and vice versa
- No online RSVPs
- I agree about wedding gifts
- And we won’t be doing thank yous until we return from our honeymoon so they will be formal thank yous.
However I’m a very traditional person. I don’t think NOT doing any of these things is wrong. It’s just not what I want.
Interesting to have all these etiquette rules in one place though.
Post # 7
oh good god i can only imagine what i’d be wearing if my mother picked my dress….
Post # 8
haha, considering i keep saying “to hell with etiquette, we’ll do what we want,” i am following most of these rules so far. oops. but definitely not inviting all out of town guests to the RD, it would be out of control. and my BMs are wearing black….so i guess i’m forcing them to break a rule as well.
Post # 9
@invalid_username: Just curious but what was your source for these?
Post # 10
My mother and my FMIL are picking their dresses whenever not in any particular order.
We are having a cash bar (gasp!)
My FMIL is not greeting peopple and introducing them to me! Weird!
Some of these seem strange . . .To each his/her own
Post # 11
Wait – what’s wrong with sending thank you’s as postcards? We were planning to find a cute picture of us from the wedding and put it on postcards to which we would write the thank you’s on the back.
I’ve seen this done and thought it was great!
I’m so tired of the word “etiquette”. BLAH!
Post # 12
i find this list quite funny actually. etiquette also depends on culture and religious belief.. in my culture grooms family pays for entire wedding. but we arent following that and are all contributing to it. but i mean things like bride must wear white and only first time brides are allowed to wear white is all a bit silly to me. half the brides wearing white arent even virgins so what makes them more entitled to wear white thant he 2nd time bride. am sorry but this list is most quite silly and outdated
edited to add: a wedding should really be about what makes the couple happy and reflects their personalities, etiquette can kiss my bottom lol
Post # 13
Love this because it makes me laugh. We didn’t break a lot of them, but we did break some. However, I’m totally a “it’s your wedding do what you want,” kind of person*.
*that said, I hate when brides expect people to put their life on hold to be there
Post # 14
@TheFutureMcBride: I totally agree. A lot of the ettiquite things just fall into my view of “it’s my wedding I’ll do what I want”. And as long as my FI is there, I don’t expect anyone to “put their lives on hold” to be there.
Post # 15
Strike-outs indicates ones I violated at my first weddding (in 1977) and/or my second one (in 2009):
- Groom asks bride’s father for permission to marry his daughter. Let’s start with the fact there was no groom at my second wedding. However, if my partner (at either wedding) had asked my father’s permission, there would have been no wedding.
- The bride’s family (specifically the father of the bride) foots the bill for the wedding At my first wedding, my parents gave me some money with instructions that whatever I didn’t spend on my wedding, we could keep. The groom’s parents helped out with certain expenses as well. At my second wedding, we paid for all of it.
- The brides mother is first to select her dress. My former mother-in-law tried to follow that one. However, my mother’s attitude was more or less that she would pick something out the morning of the wedding, so MIL finally gave up.At my second wedding, neither mother was invited.
- A dress similar in style and color is then chosen by the groom’s mother. See above.
- During the reception the groom’s mother is given the role of greeting the guests and introducing them to the bride and her family. Nope. Not at either wedding.
- It is the bride’s father who must accompany his daughter down the aisle up to the alter rather than the groom, where he entrusts her to her future husband symbolically representing the fact that the primary role of the parents in the life of the bride has come to an end. At my first wedding, my parents both walked me down the aisle, and the groom’s parents walked him down the aisle. At my second wedding, my wife and I walked down together.
- Bride should wear a white dress and veil – this is only proper for a first time bride, as a nod to her virginal modesty I did this at my first wedding. At my second wedding, the dress was probably theoretically ok, since it was ivory. But I also wore a veil.
- Never wear white to a wedding. Or black, red, or whatever color the bridal party is wearing. I don’t think I’ve ever done this. But I haven’t been to a lot of weddings.
- Invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner. I’ve never actually had a rehearsal, since it is not traditional in Jewish weddings. However, both times we had meals the night before to which all out-of-town guests were invited.
- Never have a cash bar. At my first wedding, we had open bar for an hour before the meal, then just wine with the meal. At the luncheon after my second weddding, we put bottles of wine on the table. The servers were instructed not to ask guests for drink orders other than wine, but to fulfill them (on our dime) if any of the guests asked. At the at-home reception, we were lucky enough to get open bar for 60 people for five hours for $250.
- The invitation’s wording should indicate who is paying for the wedding. They sort of did, both times. The invitations to the first wedding were jointly issued by my parents and the groom’s parents. The invitations to the second wedding were issued by us.
- Guests should never be expected to RSVP online. NotFroofy did a great wedding website. Among other things, it had a feature that people could only RSVP for people actually invited.
Then again, at the time of my first wedding, it violated etiquette to have RSVP cards. The theory was that it was insulting to your guests to presume that they wouldn’t know to send an informal in blue or black ink with their reply in the absence of a card. I violated that one, too.
- Guests who are invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception, and vice versa. All guests invited to the ceremony were invited to the luncheon following it, and vice versa. However, very few of the ceremony guests were invited to the at-home reception, and vice versa.
- Always give a wedding gift when you know the couple, regardless of whether you are invited to or attending the wedding. I’ve always given a wedding gift when I attended. I honestly don’t recall whether I have ever been invited to a wedding I did not attend.
- Never send thank-yous in the form of postcards, even if you are honeymooning after your wedding. At my first wedding, I had “informals,” which were fold-over cards with my name on the front. At my second wedding, NotFroofy designed our thank you cards, which were again of the fold-over variety.
Post # 16
I think it’s supposed to read that the Bride’s mother get to pick her dress (i.e. MOB dress) first and that will dictate the color/formality the Groom’s mother has to match when choosing her dress