Post # 1
After several months, my dress is finally on its way to me. But honestly, I don’t know if it will ever see the light of day at this point. Our relationship is falling apart because Fiance has been pretty depressed the last couple weeks…and he has decided he doesn’t want children. I say, if you don’t want kids .. that’s probably something you should mention BEFORE YOU PROPOSE. I’m pretty sure it’s a dealbreaker for me. And it’s making it very hard for me to help him, because I feel extremely betrayed.
Right now I’m away on business. It’s been almost a week and I’m afraid I don’t even want to come home. I’m really only still wearing my ring because I don’t feel like dealing with the questions. I’m having so many second thoughts now about everything. Sitting alone in this hotel room alone isn’t helping. I haven’t felt this completely miserable in a long time, and I just had to tell SOMEBODY. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone I know.
Post # 3
I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad and are alone with no one to support you.
Unfortunately too many men and women wait until after the proposal to have those serious discussions about finances, children etc.
Please don’t be ashamed or embarassed. You have not done anything wrong.
Whether or not you stay together, you will be stronger for the experience.
Post # 4
@julies1949: I guess I’m just upset because we HAD talked about it. He knew how important having a family was to me. He stood by me through my breakup with the ex…which happened because the ex didnt want a family. It’s really hard not to think that perhaps he would still be open to the idea of having children. Just not mine.
Post # 5
@EffieTrinket: do you think this is your Fiance talking or his depression.
Depression makes people feel like they don’t want anything pleasurable in their lives. Does he say why he doesn’t want them, did he say he wanted them before.
I am so sorry you are in this situation and to make it worse you are away on business. But you are not alone.
Post # 6
🙁 That is so sad. I really think that your relationship has a good chance of swinging back up again, they all do. I’m sorry for not knowing, but when is the wedding? I think the kid thing should probably be talked honestly and seriously some time before the wedding. But…. there is a really good chance there is other things talking, or perhaps the stresses have made some things come out.
The kid issue is a hard one. My boyfriend and I have always been in agreement that we didn’t want kids. I was glad to find a guy who didn’t want them because I really can’t have them. Well… we had an unplanned pregnancy last month that ended up not working out and now he is saying he does want biological kids in the future. =/
I would also suggest counseling for both of you. Single counselling for him and then together for the both of you.
Also, if sitting in a hotel room is making you feel worse, then don’t! Text your SO that you love him and go out. 🙂
Post # 7
I agree with panterapeach, it could be the depression talking. I’ve had bouts of depression before, and it can get to where you feel so down you start feeling like you screw up everything you touch and he may be thinking he doesn’t want to have kids and screw it up.
Can you get him to go to counseling for his depression?
Post # 8
I’m so sorry to hear this. You must be devastated. Do you think there’s any chance that his mention of not wanting children is just related to the funk he’s in?
Hopefully in your time away you’ll both do some soul searching and when you’re back together again, you’ll be able to approach the situation with clear minds. That said, don’t ignore your instincts. You have to look out for #1 sometimes and if you’re sure that he’s on a different page, although the timing is incredibly unfortunate, its not at all selfish to do what you have to. That would be a big deal breaker for me too.
Good luck, and although its a lot easier said than done, don’t feel ashamed. Its a difficult situation and one that a lot of couples face. Confide in a good friend and I’m sure they would never cast any judgement.
Post # 9
@EffieTrinket: I’m sorry- I must have misunderstood.
“I say, if you don’t want kids .. that’s probably something you should mention BEFORE YOU PROPOSE.”
I assumed that you had not had this discussion before he proposed.
Please don’t get down on yourself for his failure to be honest with you.
Post # 10
Maybe he just said that because he’s depressed? My Fiance had said that once before we got engaged and I got pretty upset because I had always thought he wanted a family. He since has changed his tune and i think it was just a weird phase he went through. Are you have second thoughts because of him saying he didn’t want kids or are there other things you’re questioning?
Post # 11
I’m sorry to hear this. I’m sure it’s tough. But I also agree with panterapeach. Especially if you guys have talked about having a family before and he knows how important it is to you, it might just be the depression talking. I wouldn’t give up just yet. I’ve battled depression for a long now and sometimes it makes people say and do ugly things. A lot of depressed people push loved ones away, and that sounds like that’s what he is trying to do. I think the best thing you can do for him and your relationship is stand strong and let him know that you are there for him. This doesn’t mean compromising on what you want for the future. But I saw your wedding date is dec of 2012 so you have awhile before you HAVE to make a decision. Help him to get out of his depression and then get it all figured out.
Post # 12
I agree with the others that said his talking now about not wanting children is the depression talking. My FH went through a few years of depression that was caused by Ambian and it was the darkest time of his life. He said and did things that were so out of his character. I know how hard it can be on the other side of depression, looking at it from the outside and living with someone suffering from it is really hard. You said it was the last few weeks he has been dealing with it, is there something that happened recently that triggered it? Is it something that will resolve itself or is he in need of counciling for it?
Post # 13
Thanks, guys. I love the ‘bee. I still feel like crap, but less so now that I’ve been able to tell someone about this.
Post # 14
I am so sorry to hear that you are questioning things. I think the best thing for you to do is to wait until you get home and have a frank, face to face conversation with him about this. The two of you need to be completely honest about how you are feeling. You obviously do not want to get into a marriage if you cannot have children and that is your dream.
“I’m pretty sure it’s a deal breaker for me.”
That is something you need to decide for sure. How badly do you want kids? Is that something you would regret for the rest of your life if you did not? Try to piece together your thoughts before you get home and don’t make any rash decisions before then. You obviously love him very much and I hope the two of you can figure this out together.
Post # 15
I could not agree more with panterapeach. You guys both need to get into a counselor’s office, stat. It would be tragic if a decision this huge was based on something he only believed while in the grips of depression.
Post # 16
@panterapeach: I agree, and I also don’t think you should think he’s saying this because he doesn’t want to have kids with you specifically. I’m sure that’s not it at all.