Post # 1
So I registered on this site so I could chat about my little experience. I have a destination wedding approaching and my best friend for the last 14 years and bridesmaid (I do not have a MOH) cancelled on me 2 mths after the RSVP date. She knew about the wedding date for one solid year (365 days in advance).
Her reason? She has a final in summer school that she cannot reschedule.
Personally I think it’s crap. We attended the same school and I know their policies. The final is actually the day after my wedding but she would need to fly home and therefore would need to take it ONE day later.
I’m shocked and hurt and considering terminating the friendship entirely. I’m a person of commitments. I think it’s perfectly fine to cancel dinners/lunches/birthdays (even though that is rude)/ parties, etc but your best friend’s wedding is something of a completely different nature. It’s a once in a life time experience.
It’s pretty embarassing for me because I have spent all the money for her gifts and already shipped them to the destination. I have monogrammed everything and ordered custom fine jewelry for her. I have also written a letter expressing how much the friendship means to me. At this point I may as well toss all of these things because she is not attending.
It’s sad, embarassing, and makes me feel confused and hurt beyond repair. I’m not sure what to do about our friendship. I feel she is being fake with me about her excuse and I think it could have been anticipated and PREVENTED from the beginning but she is a terrible planner (ie: the kind of friend who leaves you waiting an hour for her at a restaurant by yourself because she is late – this has happened on multiple occasions). We all accept our friends for their good sides and bad sides and their pros and cons but sometimes enough is enough.
Has anyone had an experience like this? How did it turn out?? Happy Weddings everyone!
Post # 3
Have you talked to her about this? Is it possible she has something else going on (like financial issues?) that she is embarassed about, so she used the school excuse? For someone that has been your best friend for so long, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Give her a call or set up time to get together, because there could be something going on.
Post # 4
:[ I don’t have an MOH because my friend started hanging out with crappy people
Post # 5
My MOH was supposed to take a final the day after my wedding. She ended up getting it rescheduled, though, and can now take it a few days before the wedding. Had she not been able to pull this off, she most likely would have missed all the events of the weekend other than the wedding itself, left early from the wedding, and been a nervous wreck while she was there.
Personally, I would have understood, had this been the case. Her school is extremely stressful and competitive and I feel it’s kind of selfish to assume that she would be willing to put her goals to the side to party with me. She has also known about my wedding date for a year, but she only found out about the final a few months ago when the semester began. Luckily her professor was willing to let her take it early. I’m not sure if I understand your story but it is probably not reasonable to expect her to take a final exam directly after participating in your destination wedding and therefore not having the proper chance to study for the exam. That’s just my take on it, but I understand why your feelings are hurt. I would just give her a break on it even though it’s devastating.
Post # 6
I can only speak from experience, but I’m shocked at your school’s policies on makeup exams. Mine, the only thing that would allow you to change a final schedule is a death in the family.
I would seriously cut her some slack. There is no way she could have known 365 days in advance what days her finals would fall on. However, there’s a good chance that you knew she would be in school and scheduling your wedding during finals week (which you probably knew when it was beings you attended the same school) probably wasn’t the best of ideas.
I honestly think you are being too harsh and too hasty to end this friendship. You are quick to cut her out of your life because of her school finals…something she had no control in planning. Talk to her and see if there isn’t more to this issue.
Post # 7
Finals isn’t something you can know the time and date of 365 days in advance. You find out, what, 3 or 4 weeks before? You should really cut her some slack.
Post # 8
It’s reasonable to expect that something like this could happen when a destination wedding is scheduled during a finals week, though I’m aware your wedding date was planned well in advance, so you’d expect that she either wouldn’t take a class with a final during that time or she would be open to rescheduling the test Even if she schedules to take it after she gets back, can she really be prepared and will she have all of the information she needs to take the test? I know what it is like to not be a planner. It’s hard to keep everything straight in your head, so she may not have realized that it was finals week that week. I also think that, like BostonGirl25, that it could be something else is going on. People who aren’t good planners generally aren’t organized, and people who aren’t organized are usually pretty bad with money. If she’s a student, I can’t imagine she’s very rich. Is she expected to pay her own way, or are you and FI footing the bill?
Post # 9
I’m sorry and I know it stinks. I agree with PP that the most likely reason is actually finances, instead of the finals, because I have moved finals before. But it’s embarassing to admit she can’t afford it and doesn’t want the “if you just saved $100 for the last year, you could have afforded it” lecture.
I’ve been in her shoes. I had to pull out of a very close friends wedding because I simply couldn’t afford to go. I know the friend was really hurt and I feel 100% awful for it. And it definitely took a little while for our friendship to get back on track. Eventually she came to realize that I do love her and her family very much, and it certainly wasn’t for a lack of wanting to be there! Now she’s actually a BM in my wedding, because we were both able to see it from the other person’s perspective and move on with the friendship.
If she’s truly been your best friend for that long, there must be a reason by and as hard as I know it is, understand that it’s also likely a huge disappointment for her not to be able to be there for your big day. Talk to her about it, but don’t write off the friendship.
Post # 10
@JsDragonfly: Agreed. My wedding was in the middle of the school year, but nowhere near any types of exams
Post # 11
if you attended the same school, then wouldn’t you know what week finals week is? maybe it’s different, but at my school, finals week was always the same every semester. spring finals were always in May, winter finals were always in December.
so on one hand, if you wanted a student in your wedding party, I’m sorry if you forgot to factor that in.
on the other hand, your friend should have been able to cancel on you way earlier than she did, giving you a better heads up.
I’m sorry this happened, we all make mistakes 🙁 I don’t think it’s worth ending your friendship over. and if the friendship is saved, don’t tell her about the monogrammed things. give them to her for her birthday!
Post # 12
@Ali18Bride: I say instead of getting upset right away, ask her the real reason why she is canceling. I think that it could possibly be something like finances that has made her change her mind…. Get into a comfortable setting with you and her and have a heart to heart with her. Make sure that you are supportive of her as well.
Post # 13
I think you should be a little more understanding. I would put my education before my own sisters wedding if it came down to it. Maybe explain to her how important it is to have her there and ask if she can ask her professors if she can take it earlier or later. I would not want to be on a plane all day and then have to take a final the next morning.
If she can’t get it changed, then you need to understand that. No one knows the date of their finals until a few weeks before. You don’t start class in the fall and find out when your final is in the spring. I hope everything works out for you, but I wouldn’t end a long term relationship because schooling got in the way.
Or maybe she is having money problems. It’s not like we are in a great economy right now. I mean there are times when I look at my paycheck and wonder how I will make it to the next because emergencies have popped up. Again, even if it’s a money issue, I would not end a friendship over something so shallow.
Post # 14
@twobecomeone:I should also note, that the place I am having my wedding is a place she has frequented before so she knows the costs associated with traveling there. I believe in some ways, this is just poor planning on her part, possibly finances but either way – she never considered me when it came down to the wire and she broke her promise of being there. Her final can be rescheduled and I know this because I’ve attended the school and I know that I’ve had to reschedule 1 or 2 in my college career and it was not a big deal. Good point though about non-planner people being poor with money and planning…
Post # 15
@bakerella: I absolutely get that you can’t schedule a final 365 days in advance but you can choose an alternate summer session course where finals land on a different week or you can choose to take that particular class in the fall/winter instead. There are other options. There is no such thing as having a particular course only avaliable in summer school. There is also no such thing as one option for dates for summer school – there are many start/end dates. I just feel that this was preventable but she didn’t give it enough thought to prevent what has now occured. 🙁
Post # 16
@janie-janie: Hi Janie, this is summer school so it’s not the regular school year. Normal finals are at the end of May. Also my wedding day was chosen last year and the date signifies personal reasons between my fiance and I so the date for us was never going to be different for personal and sentimental reasons. I was not aware she was attending summer school. I suppose she was not aware of this either until she signed up which was probably in May and then she CHOOSE the session which had finals that landed on that week of my wedding. There are two sessions to choose from. Again, it’s just choices and proiorities on her part.